


Talking It Through

by SilverWolf7



Series: Talking It Through [1]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alexithymia, Allies, Angel Wings, Anger, Anxiety, Assassination, Bird Song, Body Dysphoria, Canonical Character Death, Connections, Coping, Crisis, Crying, Denial, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotions, Empathy, Families of Choice, Family Session, Fear, Fights, Flying, Friendship, Gen, Goes AU after Monster and makes things up before then, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Headcanon, Hell, Home, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, Jealousy, Loneliness, Mental Breakdown, Motherhood, NaNoWriMo, Neglect, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Repressed Memories, Safe Haven, Self-Hatred, Sexuality, Shock, Silly, Sleep, Squick, Stress, Talking, The Fall - Freeform, Therapy, Trust Issues, Worry, grounded, will add tags when needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-07 16:21:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 47,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8807686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverWolf7/pseuds/SilverWolf7
Summary: Lucifer, upon not understanding why he was so driven to find Delilah's killer starts therapy in an effort to understand his own emotional reactions.A story made up of therapy sessions between Lucifer and Linda.





	1. Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> This was my Nano fic for this year. It is made up on the spot each day using a prompt from the 100 prompts table from way before on Livejournal. Some will contradict others, some repeat things over again, some have silliness and basically nothing else, some are from before Monster, but Monster fueled the majority of this story since it aired at the beginning of the month. As this suggests, considering there were week long breaks between episodes, after Monster it goes AU.
> 
> There are three stories that kind of branch off that I also wrote. One in which Lucifer tells Ella about what happened with Uriel because she's the only person he has a non complicated friendship with. One in which he has a panic attack with Dan his only company after a small job involving the church he killed Uriel in and the last being a small four parter in which he tells Ella, Dan, Trixie and Chloe why his behaviour has been so off to them at that point in this story on advice by Linda. 
> 
> Sometimes Linda pushes Lucifer, sometimes she lets him go at his own pace. Depends on his mood and what he talks about or when she feels he's ready to tackle certain subjects that naturally begin to come up as he trusts her more. I have a little experence with therapy sessions, both as a kid and an adult. I don't have any experience from the other side of things, and the majority of this story is from Linda's POV. So the majority of this story is done purely through research way before I started writing the story. Expect mistakes.

Payment delivered, along with keeping up with his end of the earlier deal, Lucifer had gotten changed, helped set the couch back up as a couch and sat on it like a normal person in therapy. Or, so he supposed.

He suddenly realised he had no idea what one was supposed to actually do in a therapy session. Was it all just talking, or did they do activities that didn’t involve sex or fun things like that?

Linda took her time getting changed, a satisfied yet stern look on her face, as she tried to go from lover to doctor mode. It took her a minute before it fell fully into doctor mode. That made him happy. She could handle sex as payment then. 

It was a sacrifice he was more than willing to give. Heh.

“So, you said you were having existential crises. What did you mean by that?” she asked and he sat up straighter.

Okay, it was talking. He could do talking, he was quite good at it. Unfortunately he wasn’t too good with feelings. “Well, I seem to have picked up a conscience. I think I’ve been on Earth too long. Humans are rubbing off on me.”

Linda’s head cocked to one side in a move he thought was actually quite charming on the woman. “You are othering yourself from humanity?”

“Oh, yes. As I said the first time I was in here, I’m the Devil. You know, my name is Lucifer. God given and all.”

She nodded, obviously remembering that conversation and how he agreed when she called him the devil. “Ah. Alright, and why is this conscience a problem?”

He leant back and spread his arms wide. “Because I’m not supposed to have one. I haven’t really felt anything in eons, and then suddenly boom, feelings! I know fun and have felt what its like to be high and tipsy and the thrill of sex. I love sex. Don’t really care about the people I have sex with, but wow does it feel good.”

She shook her head at him. “I still don’t see why it is bad that you are suddenly feeling these good things. Why is it bad? Why not just embrace it like you have with your sexuality?”

He frowned and thought about that one. Maze kept on nagging him to stop feeling things lately and it was beginning to annoy him. Annoyance didn’t feel good. And neither does the confusion he’d been feeling since meeting the detective called Chloe Decker.

“I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t really think of humanity rubbing off on me was going to have that effect. I mean, I didn’t even sleep with Delilah! She was my employee, and I make sure my night club is safe for those within it, both the workers and the clients.”

“So you don’t sleep with your employees? That’s good. It would make things awkward.”

He nodded. “Oh yes, I found that out the hard way after doing so the first month of owning the club. Learnt my lesson the hard way. No sex with the workers. Sex with the clubbers though is fine. It’s fun!”

“Yes, we have established that sex can be fun. We aren’t talking about sex right now, we are talking about you feeling something you don’t think you should feel for Delilah. Who then died.”

He hummed and nodded. “Yes, in my arms in a spray of bullets. Very messy. Had to throw away that suit, it was riddled with bullet holes.”

“The suit...bullet holes? Okay, so you were there with her when she was shot. And of course the devil wouldn’t be injured by bullets...”

“No! Immortality is a blessing. Well, it is when being shot at anyway. Delilah wasn’t so lucky.”

Linda nodded and looked distracted. She reached around her to the desk and picked up a pad of paper. She spent five minutes writing down notes.

“Okay, that’s better. I forgot my notebook when we got started. My mind was...elsewhere...”

He grinned. “Yes, I know exactly where your mind was.”

She sighed at him. “Alright, so what exactly did Delilah dying make you feel?”

“I just...I wanted to find who killed her and made sure they were punished. She was going to turn her life around! I pulled in my end of the bargain, and she accepted even though it was going to be hard on her. She was going to get clean, get help. Well, obviously she was already on that part of things. Which was good. Did she mention me?”

Linda frowned. “I can’t discuss other people’s sessions with you Lucifer. You know that.”

“Yeah, well, she’s dead. She won’t mind. And I’m not asking for specifics this time.”

“Well, she did seem to be a bit edgy during her last few sessions. She kept asking if she made the right choice. She kept saying she felt she sold her soul to the devil.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I talked to her about that, before she got shot up. She realised she was being silly. What would I want her soul for anyway? She was a good person. A little misguided, but all her choices were her own. All I did was set up a meeting to get her a record deal. That’s it. That is not selling her soul. That’s getting her out of a night club and into the spotlight she wanted. She had a lovely voice! That should be heard by the world, not just a few people on Saturday nights.”

Linda smiled. “It does sound like you cared for her well being.”

He nodded. “Exactly! That! Right there. What’s it called?”

“Compassion.”

“Yes. Ugh, compassion. That.”

“Empathy.”

“Oh, now you’re making things worse!”

Linda did that cocking her head to one side thing again. “Why is that? Why worse?”

“Because that means I actually care!”

“Empathetic then. You can empathise with someone without actually feeling any actual empathy for them. It’s a taught skill, actually.”

He leaned forward. “Truly? You learn how to fake feeling sorry for others to make them feel better? Hah! Sometimes you humans amuse me. I like that. It’s so devious!”

“But you weren’t faking. Everything you have said tells me quite clearly that you did actually care what happened to Delilah. You wanted her to do better for herself, helped her out to get into the pop world and got her to the point of rehab to help with her drug habit. It’s obvious that in some way she looked up to you. I think you did intimidate her a bit, but she was an ex employee who came back to make sure she made the right decision in her life.”

He wanted to be angry with the first half of what Linda had said. All the things about him actually caring, but stopped that instead for a little bit of understanding to shoot through at the last words and he closed his eyes and let his head fall back on the couch. “You sent her to me.”

She sighed and nodded. “I didn’t know it was you, obviously. She just kept going on about this favour you gave her and that she was afraid of paying it in, because you never specified what you wanted in return.”

“I always keep my word. And I never break a promise or a deal. She asked me to help set up that interview with Jimmy Barnes. I told her she would owe me a favour in return, that I would collect it later. I didn’t specify because I didn’t know what I wanted from her at the time. By the time she came back, she was worried for her soul, I eased her of that notion and as payment, I told her she should get clean. She thought about it for a while and accepted. I was going to book her into one of those great little rehab places that actually care for their patients. Make sure it stuck, you know?”

“Lucifer, those places are really expensive. You don’t just pay for someone’s rehab if you barely know them. Not without some form of attachment. So, what was it?”

He frowned. “Why was I attached? I...don’t know. Maybe it was how freaked out she was over the actual fearing for her soul thing. If I had a choice to begin with, I wouldn’t choose Hell, either. She’s lucky. Nothing she actually did do was a mortal sin, except for that whole cheating thing, but that’s why she began therapy. To get help and learn to live better. She made up for that sin. Telling her I wasn’t interested in her soul was basically a free ticket to Heaven! If she thinks she’s not destined for Hell and has only the little sins under her name, she’ll get in. Sex, drugs, lying, those things can get you in Hell, but only if you feel guilty for them. She had already made up her mind to reform, to change. It was during that time of calm and peace she died. If she is in Hell, I am going to be so pissed off with Dad...”

“Wait, what does your father have to do with this?”

He stared at her. “I’m the Devil. Dear old Dad is the big man Himself. You know, God? The one you can call all you want but he never answers. He’s gone radio silent on the whole bloody planet, I swear.”

“Right, your father is God.” 

“Yes. Glad we got that sorted.”

Linda opened her mouth, as if to say something else, but let out a low moan instead. She threw her hands in the air. “You know what? I need time to wrap my head around that one.”

He nodded. “Yes, the truth can be quite hard to accept. Your minds simply weren’t made for the knowledge. You’ll get used to it. Or, alternatively, you’ll go mad. Either way, I’ll see you next week then, shall I? Any preferences?”

She blinked at him, her eyes going down to stare at his trousers covered crotch and licked her lips. “Just yourself.”

He grinned back before getting up and heading towards the door. “That, I am quite happily agreeable on. Goodbye Doctor.”

“Goodbye, Lucifer. Drive carefully.”

And with that, he walked out of his first official session with a therapist. Huh, he was glad he had decided to do this. He was beginning to realise that talking things out with someone who actually is there to actually listen to him helped a bit. So what if he was getting a little bit more human. 

He decided that maybe it wasn’t all bad. And if anything, he can do some wicked deeds to make up for the good ones.


	2. Rebirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer is upset that Chloe and Dan left Lux after just arriving to his Rebirthday party. Linda soon hears about it and learns a bit more about Lucifer when it comes to sex. She teaches him something he didn't know about human sexuality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention that this is made up almost entirely of my own personal headcanon/fanon :P

Lucifer, as was his want, barged into her office and closed the door behind him when he saw she was there doing paperwork. “Oh, good, you’re in Doctor Linda.” He looked at the couch and grinned widely. “And alone this time, lovely.”

He walked over to the couch and sat down on it, his hands laying at rest on his knees in his normal relaxed pose. 

“You’re a bit late for that, but no, I have no appointment now. What can I do for you tonight?”

When he barged in, it normally meant something was really bothering him. At least he tended to look to see if the light was on now before barging in. A knock on the door would still be appreciated once in a while from him though.

“I had a rebirthday party today.”

She blinked at that. “A rebirthday party? Not a normal birthday?”

“I don’t have a birthday. I was made before time began, so it’s a bit hard to know an exact date.”

She closed her eyes and nodded. Sometimes she wished he would drop the act and just outright state who he was outside the metaphors. “What is a rebirthday party then?”

He grinned widely at her. “It’s to celebrate my new life here on Earth as a permanent citizen! I burnt my wings last night on the beach. Today is my first official day of never going back. I did it, I broke free!”

She fell silent after that, trying to absorb what he would mean outside the delusions. It sounded like he had made a permanent move away from his old life and decided to nationalise here. Which was a good thing, as it meant he had to try and fit in now.

“Okay that sounds like it was a good thing for you to have done. It at least seems that way now. And it’s good you are moving on from your past and starting a new life here. It’s a big step to being who you want to be, as opposed to whomever everyone else wants you to be.”

He grinned widely at her and nodded. “Yes! My thoughts exactly! The problem is, I invited the detective to Lux to celebrate with me. She brought Dan with her and they left not even five minutes later. I think they are working on a case behind my back. Can you believe that? Why didn’t they invite me?”

Linda rubbed her forehead. “Why did they not take you out of your own party to celebrate your new start to go work with them? Because that would be considered rude. They showed up to say happy rebirthday though, which matters.”

He nodded. “Yes. They bought a drink that the precinct uses to celebrate birthdays with them. Got a briny aftertaste. It was surprisingly good. It’s a shame Maze didn’t get to taste it, she would have loved it. But they only had time for one drink before they had to leave again. That and they were both on duty.”

She nodded. “So they included you, while in the middle of a case to a ritual that they all go through for birthdays at their precinct. They included you even though it went out of their way to do so and shared a celebratory drink with you. I don’t see the problem.”

He blinked. “The problem is I didn’t invite Dan, and when he stayed and I didn’t mind he did, they left right afterwards anyway. They left me after I thought they were going to stay...”

She nodded. “Okay, so you’re upset that your friends left on a day you now consider special to you. I can understand that, but it isn’t their fault they are busy outside being with you. You did take the day off, didn’t you?”

He shrugged. “Yes, and I wouldn’t call Dan a friend. He just refuses to not hang around, because the detective is his ex and their daughter is getting her fill of both her parents regardless.”

Linda nodded her head. “Okay, that’s...okay. I think we’ll push into that certain topic tomorrow at your actual appointment. Right. What would you have done if they had stayed?”

He shrugged. “Danced with them, had more briny shots, invited Maze over and make it a smaller more personal party with people I actually know. I would have had fun!”

“And none of this would have been in an effort just to get Chloe into bed with you?” She hoped the jealousy she was beginning to feel for the detective wasn’t heard in her voice. It wasn’t strong, but it was definitely beginning to show. She was getting too close to him personally. She was truly beginning to think of moving their relationship to what she was used to. No sex and fully doctor patient working relationship. Less likely to get unnaturally attached like she was beginning to. 

“Why would I want to sleep with her drunk? No! I’d like her sober and conscious of everything we do. She’s not some unknown lay like most of the people I sleep with are.”

Linda closed her eyes and sighed. “That’s good. At least I know you respect your friends enough to not hurt them sexually.”

He shot up in his seat, his hands clenching at the material of the couch. “Are you accusing me of sexual assault, because I assure you, doctor, I abhor such things. Everyone who finds their way into my bed enjoys and remembers it. And they never regret it in the morning. Well, unless they forget to mention they’re married, in which case why not invite over their spouse? I’m up for that.”

She closed her eyes and shook her head. Sometimes he was the most clueless patient she had ever had to deal with. And it wasn’t an act, he just truly had no idea how to act sometimes in situations. And his never lying tended to hurt people as much as he tended to try and avoid hurting people. It would get him in trouble one day.

“Lucifer, sometimes people aren’t willing to sleep with more than one person. I know you tend to enjoy sleeping with multiple people, but not everyone does. And some people are uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed with people of the same or opposite sex.”

He frowned. “Yes, I have found that out on my own, thanks. I don’t understand this human hang-up of sex with only one gender. I mean, I do prefer females, but what’s wrong with me having sex with men?”

Rubbing at her forehead, she shook her head. “There is nothing wrong with it. It’s just humans generally have a sexuality, in which they are either or in their preferences. Some like one, some like all, some like none at all.”

He perked up at that last one. “There are humans that don’t like sex? Were they...you know, victims?’

She frowned. “Some are, some are naturally not attracted to people and feel no need to have sex. Some people need a deep personal connection with others before they find them sexually attractive enough to sleep with. There’s a lot of different sexualities out there.”

His grin widened. “Ooh, maybe that is what is up with the detective. Well, that makes me feel a lot better.”

She blinked at that. “Really? You do know that means there’s a chance she will never sleep with you?”

He shrugged. “Yes, but there is always the chance she will if she likes me enough, and she obviously slept with Dan at least once, since they have a child they planned to have with each other.” 

She nodded at that one, because she couldn’t dispute it. “Does that mean you want children with her?”

He shuddered. “Hell no! I can’t stand children. Little soul sucking parasites that latch on and never let go...”

Well, his view on children seemed way off, but given he was neglected it makes sense he would likely never want children and see them as burdens. 

“Plus I am infertile, so no chance I’d get anyone knocked up. Good thing too, I like bareback.”

She rubbed at her eyes under her glasses. “’Lucifer, I think it’s time you left. This session is over.”

He blinked at her. His hands going up to undress. She held up a hand. “No, just...not right now.”

He raised an eyebrow at her, but shrugged his shoulders and redid the buttons that he’d undone. “Okay, I am fine with that. Later then. See you tomorrow, doctor.”

She nodded, suddenly distracted and wanting him gone. “Yes, until then.”

She never watched him walk out the room, but she did hear the catch as the door gently slid shut behind him. She closed her eyes and buried her head in his file. “Oh, Linda, what are you doing? Get yourself together and act like the psychiatrist you are.”

She really needed to stop sleeping with him. Starting now. She’d bring it up sometime soon. Next session would do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First headcanon being I don't think Lucifer was romantically jealous during Et Tu, Doctor. He was definitely jealous, but I think it was more along the lines of professional jealousy at that time. Chloe is his partner, so she should be solving cases with him. Instead she's sneaking around behind his back with Dan, working on a secret case she won't tell him about. This is the reason why after hearing the killer go on about his jealousy he concludes he's not jealous. He didn't fully relate, so he wasn't feeling it.
> 
> It explains the disappearing jealousy as soon as she tells him more about the Palmetto case. And also why he sounds excited about Chloe and Dan kissing in Pops and believing that's why she won't have sex with him, rather than reacting out of jealousy.
> 
> Second headcanon being pansexual Lucifer with a preference for women.
> 
> Third being demisexual Chloe. She only finds people sexually attractive after she has a deep emotional connection with them.


	3. Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer deals with grief for the first time on Earth after the death of Father Frank. Linda assures him what he's feeling is normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer is all kinds of weird when it comes to emotions. In this story he has mild Alexithymia. Linda's helping him identify his emotions through descriptors he gives her. Because he knows when he's feeling something, but otherwise he just doesn't get it, unless its been described and explained to him. 
> 
> Still unsure whether to call this canon or headcanon it, because he does this in the show.

Death

Linda could do nothing but watch as one of her most difficult patients paced before her, hitting one side of her office, before spinning around and stalking off to the other side.

He’d been doing this for the past 15 minutes and had yet to say a word, even though he had called her in for a late night emergency session because something had happened. This was oddly out of character for him. Usually if he had something to complain about, or something happened he couldn’t figure out on his own, he was chatting about it before he even got fully in her office. Whether he called her in for an emergency or it was at their normal session time.

That and he only paced during sessions when he was especially distressed over something. Usually to do with thoughts of his father.

Until he started talking there wasn’t much she could do, but she also knew he wouldn’t take cues from her until he was ready to talk himself. So, she waited for him to calm enough to speak without saying a word.

At the 16 minute mark he threw himself onto the couch and laid there, an arm thrown over his eyes. “Why do emotions have to bloody hurt so much?” he finally got out.

Ah.

Lucifer had started therapy because of his inability to understand his own emotions. Since beginning sessions with her, they’d been through fear, guilt, anger, jealousy, loneliness was just beginning to be touched upon, as with his inability to make any meaningful relationships with others, instead thinking that the best he could get was sex. She was going to tackle that more in depth next session.

She had never seen him this distressed though. And until he told her in descriptive words what it was he was feeling, she couldn’t help him understand what the emotion was. She could tell though that anger was definitely there and up front. He did have a short fuse, depending on the subject.

So, this crisis was actually a crisis and not him just coming to her to complain about something, like he sometimes did. His Alexithymia was harder for him to deal with when it came to high emotions. 

“Can you describe what you’re feeling?”

He rubbed his head and scowled. “Well, I know I’m pissed off, but anger is the one thing I do recognise in myself. It’s just...everything is unfair right now. My chest feels all tight, like someone is squeezing my heart, it’s very unpleasant. And my throat keeps closing in on me and making it harder to breathe. It’s almost impossible to talk when that happens.”

“Okay, it sounds like you’re sad over something.”

He sat up suddenly and leaned back, his head against the back of the couch. “How do you get it to stop?”

“Well, most people tend to just give in to the feeling and cry.”

He stared at her. “I haven’t cried. I don’t even know if I am capable of crying.”

She closed her eyes and fought off a yawn. “Alright. So, what happened?”

“Have you ever had anyone die on you?”

She blinked at that. Did he get word his father had died? It would explain the anger mixed in with the sadness.

“If someone you care about or liked died, the sadness isn’t going to go away overnight. That’s grief.”

They haven’t been through diagnoses. He had moments when he described things as depressing, but she didn’t think that was the highest priority for him to deal with. She was still trying to figure out if the Alexithymia was from birth or forced on him by neglect at a young age by his family.

He had mentioned brothers and his father, but never once brought up his mother. Either she did things worse than the rest of his family which he happily complained about, or she was the one good thing he had.

“That’s good to know. So it’s like an added bonus super strong sadness. ‘Kay got it. Have you had anyone die on you? Someone you knew. Someone you...cared about?”

She sat up straight and the sleepiness that had been creeping up on her fled. “Well, my father died when I was a girl. Plane crash. I was shocked by the news when I got it the next day.”

He growled at that answer. “You misinterpret my meaning. I mean literally die on you. As in they breathed their last while bleeding out internally while you hold them.”

Oh. Oh. “No. Did that happen to you? Did Chloe die?”

He stared blankly at her. “No. She talked me down from hurting the little bastard who shot him...”

“Who’s him?”

He shifted. “I made a friend. Ironically, he was a priest. Father Frank. We bonded pretty fast during the latest case over the piano. He knew who and what I was and didn’t even care. He just...treated me like normal. He was the only person who ever has.”

“Wait, he was a priest who believed you to be the actual devil and he didn’t think you evil?”

He grinned at her and it was possibly the saddest he had ever looked. “Yes. He saw me as me. He could see the reality didn’t stand up to the hype and the stories and so ignored them for the truth. That kind of belief in me is unheard of. He’ll be bored senseless in Heaven, you know?”

“Bored?”

He nodded, the smile slipping slowly from his face. “His earlier years weren’t exactly what you’d expect from a priest. He didn’t find his faith until he was well into his adulthood. Used to play piano in a band. Lost his family, found the church.”

“Hard life. Sounds like he made up for it.”

“Yeah, he did that. He was a true believer when he did start believing. Usually that is a dangerous thing, but not in him. He believed anyone could be saved. Well, anyone human at least.”

“You think you’re beyond saving?”

He grinned. “Darling, even if I could be saved, it doesn’t mean I’d be able to go back home. I am bound to my duty, like all angels. I think it was only a matter of time before I started seeking out the human equivalent. That is what the Detective gives me. That and...Well, a friend.”

Linda smiled back at him for that. “So now you know what your relationship with her is? That’s good.”

He shrugged. “She calls me her friend and it’s like Frank but...not. I’ve had more time to get to know the Detective than I did the Preacher.”

Nodding, she straightened her glasses. “Yes, sometimes these things start off small and get stronger, and sometimes things just start strong. Sounds like Chloe is one of the former and Frank was one of the latter.”

He looked down into his lap and sighed. “I don’t understand why I was so instantly connected to him. Deeply. I mean, I think I would definitely be just as sad if it had been Chloe who died, but usually death doesn’t faze me at all.”

“There’s a definite difference between the death of a stranger, death of an enemy and death of a loved one. Friends are loved ones.”

“I never had friends before and now I have had two. I’m...confused.”

“That’s to be expected. It’s new for you. You had a rough time with your family when you were young. You find it hard to trust others or know how to make meaningful relationships with others. It’s actually quite a common problem in adults who didn’t have the loving parents they should.”

“My parents certainly could have done better, but they weren’t the worst out there. Which is a good thing, I suppose.”

“Hmm. We can talk about your grief if you feel like you need it. It will ease on its own time. It will get better.”

He relaxed after hearing that. “That’s good. I was worried I’d be stuck feeling like this forever.”

“No, you won’t. You’ll probably always remember him and it may hurt when you do, but this will pass.”

He nodded at that, got up and stretched. “Okay. I feel better now knowing that this is normal. It is normal, right?”

“Oh, very. I doubt you have anything to worry about. You clearly don’t blame yourself for his death, which would be a problem, so you should do fine. Just remember you can call me any time. Maybe next time we can talk over the phone instead of coming here when it’s late at night? I think I’ll have to stay here now, as I am too tired to drive back home.”

He blinked at that and looked down at his watch. “Oh! Yes, of course. Phone if late at night. Got it.”

A much more upbeat Lucifer left the room than had come in. She could see that he was angry still, but that also was common in grief. At least he knew he could call her any time he needed to if he felt in crisis.

Sometimes, she really wondered about him.


	4. Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda tries to get Lucifer to see the difference between being alone and being lonely, using his need for non committal sex as a connection to others as a point of reference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the gen label on this fic. It's important. Also note the other. That is for chapters like the last few, in which Linda thinks on what it was like having sex with Lucifer and how she reacts to him, and his talk of having or wanting to have sex with others.
> 
> This fic is not a shipping zone. Though later on there are references, some majorly big, that Linda starts dating Patrick from Lux who in this story is one of the bartenders.

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to bring up with you since the session in which you were worried something was wrong when you didn’t sleep with the three Brittany’s in the hot tub with the pizza delivery boy.”

Lucifer grinned at her and her body clenched tightly, as it sometimes did now when she saw him. It was becoming less and less obvious to her, since she had put a stop to sex as payment for her own morality, the legality of the situation and for Lucifer’s own needs.

“And what would that be, Doctor Linda? Want to go back to our old mode of payment. I’m more than up for that,” he replied, followed by that laugh of his that meant he knows exactly how women react to him coming out of his mouth.

“No. We stopped that and have a better thing now because of it, but that is part of what I want to talk to you about.”

His smile dropped slightly. “So, we are to discuss sex then? I’m always ready for that too.”

“Not necessarily sex, but the way you go about it.”

He blinked. “What way? I cater to lots of women and men in all different ways, depending on what they like. I am not a one trick pony in the bedroom.”

She took a deep breath. “I’m not saying you are. And this is what I want to discuss. Sex is an enjoyable activity with you, and probably one of your favourites, am I wrong?”

He shook his head. “No, you’re definitely not wrong there. I do like sex. It’s fun! It feels good. I thought we already talked about this?”

“Not...quite. I don’t mean how well you perform or how. I am talking of your connection to your lovers.”

He grinned. “What connection? I don’t make connections. I am free to sleep with whomever I like, whenever I like, however they like it. I make sure everyone’s satisfied and we go on our merry way happier than we were.”

She sighed and shook her head. “Sex is a connection in itself, but with you, it’s different and not just because of experience or knowing what an individual likes or wants. For you it’s nothing but fun. And yet it’s the main way you do connect to people.”

He frowned, and she could see the confusion in his eyes. “Yes, I thought that’s what sex was supposed to be.”

“It can be, if you’re just looking for a one night stand. You do have people who come to you regular and there is no jealousy, there is no fighting over who gets you when. You cater to everyone. And you’re open and known for it.”

“I am not seeing the problem, doctor.”

She took a deep breath. “Remember before Father Frank’s death how we had that discussion about how being alone and being lonely are two different things?”

“Yes, I remember that. I still don’t understand the difference.”

She nodded. “Alright, here’s an example. Have you ever been in a room surrounded by others and felt like you weren’t included in what was happening at the time? Regardless of if it is a sex thing or not.”

He cocked his head to the side and Linda found herself shifting in her seat and angry at herself for still feeling this effect. It was beginning to wear off now, thankfully, but why did he still have to affect her like this?

“Yes, I have felt like that, but not for...quite a long time. I was still in Heaven. I didn’t like it much. It’s hard to remember.”

“You were a child?”

He frowned. “Not exactly. I was as I am now. I had done my growing. But...rumours about me were spread. I don’t know who started them, but they hurt and the others began either flat out ignoring me or excluding me, even if I was with them and teamed up for something. It hurt.”

“Yes, it does. That is loneliness. That’s being alone, even when others are there with you physically. Emotional aloneness and physical aloneness are two different things.”

He shook his head. “But I don’t feel like that now. I don’t think I do anyway. Like I said, it happened a long time ago, I don’t really remember what it felt like.”

“Think of it like an emptiness inside that you can’t fill with anything.”

He ducked his head and looked at the ground. “Oh, that. I have felt like that for millennia. Time up here on Earth is...helping. It’s one of the reasons I left Hell.”

Linda closed her eyes and sighed, hating that they had to work under this stupid metaphor he was giving her about being the devil. She was used to it by now, and the session in which she went along with what Doctor Canaan told her of religion had led to his first breakthrough, but...it felt wrong somehow, like he wasn’t taking the therapy seriously.

“Has it gone away at all?’

He shook his head. “Not really. Like you said, nothing truly fills it. Closest I get is when I am doing the detective work. And even then nothing can stop how boring and emptiness driven a stake out is. Urgh I hate those things. All that time in a car with one person and no sex.”

“See, this is what I wanted to talk to you about. The only thing that fills the emptiness is true connections with people. You have a connection with detective Decker. And, you have a connection to Maze. You are beginning to forge a connection with me now that we have stopped with the sex, which is one of the reasons why I stopped it. It’s why you try so hard to have sex with Chloe even though she’s not interested. You are under the impression sex is the way to connect, when it’s not. People need people.”

“I’m not people, doctor. I’m an angel.”

She decided to go along with the metaphor today, just to see if he could connect the dots using his own delusion. “Fine then. What is it that angels need?”

He shrugged. “A connection to God and a purpose to have and live by. It’s more a family than anything else, really. Since, you know, all angels are siblings.”

“And you lost your connection to God when you Fell?”

He scowled. “No. I’m still a divine being. He’s just pissed off at me and refuses to talk to me. People say I am the one that holds grudges, hah!”

“So he refuses to connect to you, but you still hold a connection to him?”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and Linda was suddenly aware that she was treading on thin ground here. She didn’t want him running out of another session because things get too hard to deal with. It was a trait she found rather annoying in this particular client. 

“I suggest we talk about something else, doctor. I don’t want to discuss my dad today. I’m still pissed off at the needless death of Father Frank. I mean, all I can think was that it was supposed to be this big test for me, and I don’t know what the lesson is.”

She nodded. “Okay. That must be a very hard thing to live with.”

He grinned at her, and it held a sharp edge she rarely saw. He truly was angry at his father and it was beginning to seep through the cracks. Usually he’d keep up the sexual humour as a smokescreen and a way to try and block it out. “You could say that, doctor. Are we done today? I really must be off. I’m thinking of opening the club early today. Let myself enjoy some of that emotionless sexy fun times without you, because you’re trying to teach me a lesson too.”

She rubbed her head. “Lucifer, I’m trying to get you to understand your own emotions, not something outside of yourself. It’s me trying to get you to understand yourself.”

“Maybe I don’t want to understand myself, doctor. Maybe I just want to be left alone to live my life the way I want, and I will never be able to do that, because people are always trying to tell me what I should or should not be doing!”

That last part was sharper and louder than the rest. He was beginning to lash out at her. Still, she never felt threatened by him. He was beginning to understand she was safe to let go around. 

After he had left with a slamming of the door, she smiled. She was beginning to get through to him. If only she could get him to speak more fully on this relationship he had with his real dad and not the make belief stuff he hides behind. There are some real thick issues there he needs to deal with.

She wasn’t at all surprised when he called her that evening, just before opening up Lux for the night, to apologise for raising his voice at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer is addicted to sex as much as alcohol. I oddly don't think him addicted to the drugs he takes. He seems to use them only for recreational use and not a felt need, like alcohol and sex are for him. Though, if he does see a drug he will steal it for himself. And he's tried every single one at least once. He's addicted to sex because it is the only time he feels connected to others outside a few who get past his shields. It's this connection he knows that makes him feel he needs to sleep with Chloe. He's beyond needing sex from Maze and Linda with his relationships with them but he feels he can't get past it with Chloe until they have sex. Hint - In this story they never have sex. In none of my stories will they ever have sex. I don't see their relationship as sexual. Yes, even after Quid Pro Ho. The moment they have sex is the moment I give up on their relationship having any real meaning.
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer is still an angel. His Fall was in the physical sense, but not the divine sense. As opposed to what seems to be going on with Amenadiel, which is the complete opposite. More on THAT headcanon later, though.
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer and Linda got closer and bettered their relationship the moment they stopped having sex. He began taking things more seriously and stopped thinking it as a deal. It's at that time he began to trust her with his emotions more fully.


	5. Too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda finds out that Lucifer truly is the Devil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, chapter five and we are already at Monster. I went back during November to add in a few when prompts semed to match ideas that popped into my head for before Monster, which is how the past 4 chapters exist. Monster fueled my imagination for this story though, as I had already decided to do my story as nothing but therapy sessions between these two way before it aired, as I hadn't seen it done yet.
> 
> Completely AU with hints to canon throughout the rest of the story. From here on out, it was my brain just making stuff up. Don't expect this to follow any form of canon.

Linda couldn't move. She knew that Lucifer had left after trying to talk her back to reality but...what _was_ reality anymore?

She had finally flat out told him that she couldn't be his therapist any longer unless he dropped the metaphors and let her know the true him. He asked if she was sure she truly wanted that and she had said yes, because she was getting so confused and things just kept on making no sense when it came to him.

So, he had stripped away her illusion of metaphors. Showed her his true face. Proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything he had said was complete and honest truth.

No delusion, no grandstanding make belief story to make him feel better about who he was.

He truly _was_ the devil.

His face.

One second he had been the same old handsome Lucifer, and then he was not. It was as if his face had melted right off and left nothing but scarred and burnt muscle. No hair, no true skin, just flesh and bone and...

His eyes.

His eyes had never once changed. They were exactly the same as ever, just red instead of dark brown. They held the same emotions, the same fears, the same guilt. The same everything.

It was the eyes that made the fear that had begun creeping up on her stop going into screaming terror. She knew those eyes. She knew the person behind them.

She kept her eyes fully locked on his even as he tried smiling at her through his self hated. No wonder he had never truly tried to rid her of her belief that he was delusional. It was horrific.

She had read up on the bible shortly after finding out Amenadiel wasn't actually a therapist himself and was in fact his brother. She had been so angry at him for that, as he had used her to get to Lucifer. And she still wasn't sure why, only that it had something to do with Lucifer having left Hell.

She had wondered why someone would choose to take on the name and life of Lucifer Morningstar. Someone who rebelled when he was shamed and wronged and belittled by family who he had been close to beforehand. His entire world had shifted and he had been thrown out into the pits of Hell.

He had burnt on his Fall. Of course those wounds would never heal. He'd never allow them to. It was a constant reminder of what was done to him by his father. Or at least, blamed on his father.

His father was God.

God was _real._

She had never believed in God beforehand. But, she had just had her own world lifted on its head and twisted.

She heard a sob and managed to finally look around the room. She was alone, and for a second thought that the rooms had thinner walls than even Amenadiel had claimed. Until she felt the tears on her cheeks and the hitch of her breath as another sob escaped her.

She lifted a hand and ran it under her eyes, knowing that she had been crying for longer than the past few seconds, but not remembering when she had started.

She hoped that it was after Lucifer had left.

She would have to call him to make sure he was taking her silence alright. Known him, he probably thought he had broken her, after he had been so adamant that after he had killed, he had become the monster everyone said he was.

He killed his brother.

An angel.

Uriel.

Wait...wasn't that the one he had said greeted people at the gates of Heaven once? He had mentioned Uriel before once. Boring. Something to do with the priest he had made friends with.

The priest who had known exactly who he was and treated him no differently than he already had, because he saw the truth through the stories.

She shook her head, wiped at her eyes again and straightened herself out.

Well, if a priest could accept him and still find him a good man and be friends with him, surely she could continue on being his therapist.

After all, who else now knew the actual truth of the devil better than her? He told her his secrets.

He had come to her to begin with because he had trouble with his emotions. Well, now maybe she should do what she had done earlier that week and go see him.

She quickly dragged on her coat, grabbed her keys and walked towards the door. All she wanted right then was to curl up in bed and rest her mind.

She was swamped with too much new information and knew she wouldn't go right away, but she knew that when she was more centred and aware, Lux would be her first stop.

It didn't matter that having the metaphors stripped from their sessions meant she was the one who was swamped with the truth of the world and Heaven and Hell. Lucifer did as she requested to keep her as his therapist because he had put his trust and faith in her. She would honour her part in this.

She would not be another person to add to those who abandoned him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Linda totally cried before Lucifer left. He did not need the added guilt.
> 
> Headcanon - Linda did not fully violate Lucifer's privacy with Amenadiel when she thought him a fellow therapist. She gave his name and a few of the more troubling symptoms she thought he had and they hashed out a plan together for what she thought was treatment that would help. She didn't think Lucifer his real name at that point so felt it safe to use because of the 'delusion' of being the devil.


	6. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda goes to Lucifer's penthouse to talk him into a session. There, she meets his mother and finds he's been hiding from the world. Lucifer explains a bit more about Uriel to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so happy when two weeks after I wrote this, the whole Linda on the couch scene played out. I squeed just a tiny bit. Yes. I also liked how Lucifer introduced her to his mum. And that it was Maze that got her to see reason.
> 
> The title of this one made a whole lot more sense in its original form, in which the start had a part added on from Lucifer's POV, but the changing POV's in the same chapter was a bit much so I took it out to post on edit. It now reads a lot smoother.

Lucifer wasn’t in the club. Maze no longer worked there, though was still a regular customer, always keeping a close eye on her ex boss.

Linda remembered what she had said on their girls’ night out that first time. That she was a demon forged from the pits of Hell specifically to look after Lucifer and keep him safe. It was her purpose and while he had let her off on that, she was floundering with what to do and still felt responsible for his well being.

She was a demon...

No wonder she felt so out of place with other people and had come to her for advice. No wonder why she couldn’t listen to advice and took her on as a friend instead.

So, instead of looking for the owner of the club she was actually looking for, she began scanning the floor for Maze.

It soon turned out she wasn’t there either. 

Taking a deep breath, she did something she had never wanted to do. She went to the elevator that led up to the apartment complex that Lucifer called home.

This was a huge breach of personal ethics. She only ever did sessions in her office, or over the phone, nowhere else. But, she wasn’t here for a session. She was more here to book one in for him. If he was up for it.

She had the feeling that regardless of this, things were going to turn into a session regardless. Lucifer wasn’t answering his phone, and he was addicted to that thing as much as he was alcohol and sex. 

It was now three days after he had stripped her of her world beliefs and proved that he truly was exactly who he said he was.

She was worried it had taken her too long to wrap her mind around everything and get back to her job. She’d had to cancel for the past two days. Thankfully the only emergency she had was Lucifer himself, and he was in crisis already. Her reaction was not much of a help to that.

The elevator stopped and she stepped out when the doors opened, only to end up face to face with a woman. “Uh, hello? Is Lucifer here?” she asked, not sure if he was busy entertaining or not.

“He’s not entertaining anyone tonight, dear. Come back some other time.”

She blinked. Well, that answered quite a few of her questions. “I’m not here to entertain him. I’m Linda. Doctor Linda Martin. I’m his therapist. He hasn’t been answering his phone and I got worried.”

The woman rose an eyebrow at her. “A therapist? He never told me of you?”

Linda shook her head. “Uh, who are you? I know Mazikeen and Amenadiel but not you. And Chloe of course, his partner.”

“I’m his mother. I go by Charlotte.”

Linda froze a bit at that, because she knew in that moment, she was in the presence of a goddess. A celestial being more powerful than she could ever hope to be. Lucifer once told her he was the second most powerful being in the universe. Was the top spot his father or his mother?

“Oh! Yes, he’s mentioned you to me. I just wasn’t...he never explained to me what you looked like. I knew Mazikeen on sight from his description and met Amenadiel outside of him.”

“Are you also Amenadiel’s therapist?”

She shook her head. “No, no. Just a friend. He once put me in a bit of a bind really, and he’s been trying to crawl his way out of the hole he dug ever since. He and Lucifer stopped their continuous fights at least.”

Charlotte smiled at her and nodded. “Yes. They were like that before Lucifer Fell.”

“Is he home?”

Charlotte rolled her eyes at her, but waved her towards the large open space that led to his bedroom. “Knock yourself out. Maybe you can get him to come out from under the sheets. He’s been under there hiding from the world for the past three days.”

Linda closed her eyes at that and sighed. “I’ll see what I can do. Nice meeting you, Charlotte.”

“Doctor,” came the short reply. She could hear the dismissal in the voice and soon was walking towards the opening that led to Lucifer’s bedroom.

She was actually kind of nervous about being here. She remembered what it was like having sex with him, but had stopped doing that to uphold the morality and legality of her job and the safety of her clients. Lucifer actually seemed more stable after they had stopped having sex, so she had never gone back to it. After a while the natural craving she had to just jump his bones left. It was like not giving in to him made his natural sexual magnetism stop working on her.

Maybe Chloe was asexual or perhaps demisexual and therefore his power wouldn’t work on her right from the start. It would explain a lot about why Chloe never wanted to sleep with him, but not so much how she could resist his tongue and power to make people spill their hidden desires.

She shook her head. No, she wasn’t here to contemplate that relationship. She was here to see what she could do to get him back into some semblance of the man she knew he was.

“Lucifer? You’ve been ignoring your phone. I was worried about you.”

And just like that, his head popped out from under the mess of sheets. “Doctor Linda? I thought you didn’t want to see me anymore.”

“Why? Because I froze? You just turned my entire perception of the world on its head. That’s a normal reaction to have.”

He buried his head again and she still managed to hear his gruff “M’ sorry.”

“No, don’t be. You’re in crisis and I just froze up on you like that. I needed a few days to get my own mind in order, so don’t worry about it.”

“But it’s my fault!” he stated, bringing his head once again out from under the sheets. She noted how unkempt his hair was and that his scruff was growing into a full on small beard.

“No, it’s mine. All you did was exactly as I asked. I told you I would no longer be able to be your therapist if you didn’t drop the metaphors. You dropped them. You asked if I was sure. I said yes. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He sat up and she was more than a little troubled to find him still in the exact same suit he was wearing the last time she had seen him. He hadn’t even bothered to change out of it and into the boxers he preferred sleeping in.

“I killed my own brother! That’s wrong!”

She closed her eyes and sighed. “You said before I stopped you from going any further that he forced your hand somehow. What exactly happened? Make me understand. I know you, Lucifer. You’re not a killer. You even said so yourself, that in all your time, you have never once killed. Why now? Why Uriel?”

“He was going to kill mum, Chloe and Maze! And maybe Amenadiel for later. I know he was definitely going to kill the girls though, he stated so himself. If I hadn’t done the unpredictable, he would have seen it coming! As you said, Doctor, I’m not a killer. He never saw it coming! It was the only way to stop him! But he was my little brother. I...I don’t understand how people can live with the guilt! It’s like poison. I can’t escape it and it won’t go away. The best sex in the world couldn’t push away the feeling. I don’t know what to do! I need to be punished, but who punishes the punisher?”

She took a few moments to take in what he had just said. She didn’t understand why he had to do something so unpredictable to stop him... “Why did you have to do the one unpredictable thing you could think of?”

“Uriel saw through patterns. It was his gift, like mine is desire. Anything he knew about someone made them predictable. I fought him for under a minute and he figured out every single move I was going to make towards him. I couldn’t fight him, he already knew my fighting style. It was pure dumb luck Maze had been able to disarm him of Azrael’s dagger. And she’ll probably be here soon wanting that damn thing back. Damn it all.”

“Wait...Azrael is a she?”

Lucifer stopped his rant, mouth open to stare at her and blink. “Uh, yeah. Always has been. Why is that important?”

She shook her head. “It isn’t. It’s just...the whole things in my world being rewritten thing again.”

And finally she got a crack of a smile from that. “Well, at least you didn’t freeze this time.”

“True. And regardless of anything now really isn’t the time for a proper session. How about we book you in for your normal appointment time and I see you next week?”

He looked at her and she saw hope in his eyes. “You mean it? You’re not just going to boot me out, are you? This isn’t a joke?”

“Lucifer, you put your trust in me. Fully and completely. The least I can do is trust you back. What you did in my office last time was...a huge leap of faith, and yes, I know, not something you really would like to hear, but it’s true. Thank you. I know how much trouble you have trusting others.”

He reached up and hugged her and while she had established that they weren’t supposed to touch anymore without permission asked first, she knew he needed the comfort right then, and the support. She patted his back. 

“Wow, okay. Maybe I should get out of bed then. I’ve been a bit...”

“Mopey?”

He grinned. “Yeah. See you next week, Doctor.”

“Next week then.”

With that she got up and left him to get himself presentable.

Charlotte smiled at her on the way out, giving her an approving nod. She nodded back. She had no idea how else she was supposed to react.

She decided for fun’s sake, to indulge herself in a drink downstairs to celebrate. Better yet, Maze was there.

Her best friend was a demon from Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Charlotte is NOT a good person in this and never was from the moment she walked onto the screen. Get ready for a lot of issues about her to crop up. I see her, as early as Everything's Coming Up Lucifer as abusive. Liar, Liar, Slutty Dress On Fire solidfied that into emotionally abusive, and it camped there to stay. And now it is basically visible canon.
> 
> Headcanon - Uriel was not in his right mind when he left Heaven to take their mum out of existence. From what was said in the show, it seems to me he went AWOL on Heaven. God didn't send him to kill Chloe or their mother.


	7. Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer tells Linda a bit about the Fall while on the subject of his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if it was here or on ff.net, but at one stage I did say that this backstory follows no canon and I am just making it up as I go along. Yeah, this is when that gets pretty relevant. I made up a backstory for this fic. Up to and including the Fall. He goes into more detail later about the events that led up to what goes on in this session. Breakthrough sessions are pretty much Hell for him. This is not one of them.

Parents

Lucifer sat on the couch, uncomfortably straight and his hands clasped on his lap. Linda was actually kind of surprised he hadn’t jumped up and began pacing by now, as he normally did when he was in some emotional crisis.

He was more nervous than she had ever seen him, but since their last session in this room, he had every right to be. He was still worried this was some sort of joke and she was going to kick him out for being who he was.

She sighed. “We made a deal. You drop the metaphors and I keep you on as a patient. I am not kicking you out. This isn’t a joke. I am not abandoning you because I know the truth now.”

He snorted and bounced to his feet. “You say that now...”

“Yes, and I will say it later. You did exactly what I asked, and I will stick to my side of things and keep you as a client. Both sides met and agreed and paid out in full. Stop worrying about me. I’m fine.”

He stared at her for a few silent minutes, before sighing and thumping himself back down on the blue sofa. He bounced up and down on it a few times and frowned. “Does this one also pull out into a bed?”

She shook her head and grinned. Trust him to think about sex as a way to start a session when nervous. “No it doesn’t. The last one did because I sometimes stayed at my office into the night. I don’t do that half as much now since I spend more time with Maze and the girls. And Patrick.”

He perked up at that. “Yes, my bartender. You like him!”

She ducked her head and grinned. “Yes I do. We started dating actually. Don’t give him a hard time over it.”

He grinned widely at her. “Why would I do that? This is great! I like when the people I work with are happy. It makes things run a lot smoother.”

She nodded. “Yes. Enough of my love life though, let’s talk about your family problems.”

This time he was the one who froze. “Well, you met my mum. It’s nice having her back in my life now I know she just wanted to be here with me and Amenadiel now we’re stuck here together. I mean it would be easy enough to send us back to Hell, you just have to kill the body, but...Hell wasn’t much of a punishment for mum. She never broke like most souls. She says it was because she did nothing wrong. I still don’t know if that is truth or not, but it could be.”

“She seems very...demanding.”

He laughed. “She can be. It’s not how she acts all of the time though. She was concerned for me. I...haven’t been doing too well after the whole mess with Uriel.”

“I noticed. I think everyone noticed. Chloe actually called me before you came last session just to see if you had booked an appointment after she said she told you to get help before you did something stupid.”

He winced. “Not my greatest moment, I will give her that. I act out when trying to deal with things. It’s what got me in trouble in the first place.”

She leaned forward. “What did happen?”

He shrugged. She frowned at that. “From human perspective you grew jealous and resentful towards humans and rebelled because of it.”

He rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t jealous of humanity! Forget that, it’s wrong!”

“What were you jealous of?”

He scowled and folded his arms. “Angels are made with a singular purpose. Our purpose is what we exist for. I have been given two purposes in my life by dear old dad...”

“Hmm, you lit the stars.”

“Yes! I was quite talented with music too. I wove them together and lit them using the songs woven into the universe. It was beautiful. It was my purpose. Closest I can get now is the piano.”

He drifted off into silence and she kept quiet, content to let him go on at his own pace.

He shook his head. “It was after I had finished that my name was changed. What use was I anymore? My purpose had been served. My name changed to reflect what I accomplished. It felt like I was being disowned...”

She leaned forward at that. “And this was before humans?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you feel disowned?”

“Angel names reflect that they are of God. The –el at the end of our names. He took that away from me.”

“Ah. Yes, I can see why that would hurt. A lot.”

He nodded. “Well it definitely did that. He made the planets shortly after to go between and around the stars. Then he locked himself away and begun working on his pet project called humanity. Mum got angry and began getting distant at that point. She was worried about me, but just couldn’t take that dad was pulling away from the family she had helped him create. Her children. She grew to hate humanity. I was curious...”

She smiled at that. Lucifer did like to try everything he saw, especially if it involved anything human, or food related. Also, drugs, alcohol and other vices. She really wished she’d be able to get him to stop, but his natural angelic body made it harder for him to stay high or drunk. The biggest high he could get was from sex.

She needed to stop thinking of this and concentrate on what he was saying.

“...and so I just asked one day about these people. About why he didn’t give them a purpose like he had us. And he said because they could make and find their own purpose.”

And she closed her eyes when she heard that. “Of course. Free will.”

“Mmhm. Free will. I was now without a purpose. Lost, floundering and here he had given these people the right to choose. I was so pissed off. I shattered his little Eden by taking the information he gave me and used it to test out if they truly did have free will or not. I went into Eden, I asked Eve the rules of the place and asked her if she did want a fruit from the tree or not. She said yes. I asked her why she shouldn’t have it if everything else there was for the taking. Why should that one tree be forbidden?”

“She chose to take the apple and eat it. Yes, I know this part.”

“Everyone knows this part. Except of course there was no actual snake, forget that. I was just another one of God’s angels come to visit. It’s not like they hadn’t seen an angel before.”

“You did what you are doing now. Acting out because you were hurt. It seems that he made both of our races with the same emotions.”

He shrugged. “Or maybe I have been topside for far too long.”

“Top side meaning Earth, because I thought you were barred from Heaven.”

“Yep! And I am barred from Heaven. No going home for me. I was given the boot. He asked why I did what I did. I told him how it was unfair that he made humans with free will but not us. What was I supposed to do now? I had no fitting name; I had no purpose since my deeds had already been done. What was I supposed to do with eternity? Sit and watch my siblings as they all got duties to perform that would last forever? How unfair is that?!”

“You questioned him.”

“Yes I did, and questioning dear old dad was a big fat no no. He disappeared with my mum for a while so they could discuss me and the problem I was making, since it seems others were also beginning to question. Mind you, I had absolutely nothing to do with that. Yet I was the one blamed for it!”

“Mum told me when she proved that she wasn’t here to murder me for ignoring her in Hell that it was her that actually got me sentenced to Hell. Dad wanted to flat out _destroy_ me. She saved my life, my soul. Either way, I was punished and given a new duty. One I wanted nothing to do with. He had Michael throw me out of Heaven and into the pits of Hell. It... It burnt. It hurt and it was terrifying. The only part of me that wasn’t burned completely away was my wings. The feathers grew out again. They did nothing but prove to the denizens of Hell either when I made them or when they entered through the gates that I was an angel.”

“And the burns proved you were fallen. Okay, I think we should stop for today. We can talk about your relationship with Uriel and more on him and his death starting next session I think. The hours up.”

He blinked at her and looked at his watch. “Oh. Alright. That’s fine.”

He stood up and hesitated at the door. “Uh, you won’t...you won’t tell the detective anything that is said in here, right?”

Linda looked shocked that he’d even ask. “No! Of course not. Why would you even think that I’d go against confidentiality laws and destroy your trust like that?”

“You said she called you...”

“Yes, and she did to make sure you did get here in your own time. I told her you were booked in and she hung up. That doesn’t mean I discuss you with others.”

“You did with Amenadiel...”

“Yes, well, I was very angry and bitter towards him when I found out he deceived me to get to you. If I had have known I never would. He told me about a made up patient who had similar delusions, except in her case they were actually delusions. I thought he could help and understand.”

“Yeah, well, here’s a helpful bit of advice Doctor. I may not lie, but other angels do.”

Before she could answer him, he opened the door, disappeared out of it and slammed it close.

He knew he could trust her. This whole conversation today and him showing her the real him proved that. She just wished he didn’t react by leaving when things got hard.

At least today he didn’t leave during the middle of the session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon from last chapter I forgot to put down - Lucifer can't sleep naked. He will wear either a pair of boxers or boxer briefs to bed, to the point of getting up after sex to put them on if he has to. It actually annoys him when he wants to go to sleep enjoying the afterglow. Which is why he prefers sex out of bed and to curl up in it afterwards.
> 
> Headcanon - God renamed Samael Lucifer way before the Fall actually happened. In this fic, he did not rename himself after the Fall, or God named him just before the Fall. He was renamed once his purpose was completed. Lucifer was not a happy angel.
> 
> Headcanon - The events that happen that lead to the Fall were more traumatic for him than the actual Fall itself, which is why he goes into little detail about that here. It still hurts like hell though to think about. He focuses on the Fall as his major trauma because it is something solid to latch on to. It left evidence. He's still scarred emotionally from it as well as physically.
> 
> You'll notice differences the next time he tells this story with added background information that led up to this event later on. That's intentional.
> 
> Headcanon - I like that Lux has waiters as well as waitresses. Lux is classy. They even have a uniform, guys. You can see them milling about Lux during club scenes in the show. I am pretty sure Patrick was one of them but could have been wrong, but in this fic he's a bartender not a waiter. He could work as both depending on the day.


	8. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda makes a mistake by bringing up something she has been thinking of for a while about his parents. Lucifer is not a happy devil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this session kick starts the plot for the rest of the story. No, really. It's basically a plotted out story from here on out. And it was thought up by a prompt that fit for the day, because I didn't actively think up what was to come until right bfore I started writing. Which is why there are still silly chapters in this fic to come up. 
> 
> It's amazing there is any continuinty at all in this fic, and yet here it is. Continuity. Oh, and this fic wasn't finished by the end of November, so by the time I have posted these sessions and the 3 off shoot fics, I will be slowing way down in time new sessions or stories come out. Because I will be writing them as I go. Hopefully I can stick to a one a day style like these were made with a day or two for editing the mess it is in before posting. Seriously, I am a bad typist. So many typos, so little time.

This week Lucifer seemed a lot more outwardly calm. He wasn’t ramrod straight on the couch. He wasn’t clasping his hands as if trying to find a lifeline and he hadn’t yet started pacing.

He did do the thing he does when he is generally confused about something and laid himself down on the couch. This time he at least had the thought to take his shoes off first, thankfully. His socks were white. She was expecting black.

“Does this feeling ever go away? I mean, it’s going to be a very long eternity if it sticks around forever with it being this bad.”

She frowned and shook her head. “I can’t answer that question properly. It depends on you and if you work to try and absolve yourself of the guilt.”

He sighed. “Yeah, problem is I am guilty of the crime at hand. I can’t seem to get past the thought that I actually did kill him.”

“He didn’t give you much of a choice, according to what you have told me. You were trying to stop him peacefully. He wouldn’t listen. He was going to kill a lot more people if you hadn’t stopped him.”

“Well, yes, but the problem is that I did kill him. On purpose. In cold blood. And he was my little brother...”

“Mmm, where do you fit in on the order of being made?”

He looked at her and blinked. “Well, Amenadiel was first and then it is a tossup between me and Michael for next. We were close together. Not twins thankfully. I like to think I was second. There was quite a bit of infighting between us. Scuffles, fights, nasty words. You know, siblings things. Like the fights Amenadiel and I got up to when he found out he was put on babysitting duties on Hell when I quit.”

“People generally put Amenadiel a lot lower down than he is because his duty was one of protection and guarding. And errand boy. I was given light. Michael was given command of an army that wasn’t even made yet.”

Linda lifted a hand. “Wait. _Was_ his duty? Is Amenadiel alright?”

Lucifer shrugged. “He has lost his divinity. His power has left him and his wings are useless down covered limbs right now. He’s pissed off at dear old dad for doing that to him.”

“You know, I find it pretty much horrifying every time you mention the word dad now...”

“Eh, you’re human. Just say you’re sorry and you’ll be fine.”

“No, you don’t understand... I’m your therapist. A lot of your problems are centred on what your parents did to you, or didn’t do.”

He blinked and frowned at her. “Yes, I am aware of that. I am also aware that you are right and I do indeed have no idea why that is such a problem.”

“No, it’s not a problem. I’m just afraid my words may be...”

“Heard? Hah! Don’t be. He ignores most everything, and being around me makes that twice as likely.”

“I’ve been trying to find the right opening to bring it up, but it never really appeared. I doubted you would listen to me. But things like what you just said...it’s not right, Lucifer. And it scares me, because you have two extremely powerful beings as parents.”

“Are...are you saying you don’t want me anymore? Are you going to end this now? After...after everything?”

She stared at him and shook her head. “What? No! Sometimes I don’t understand your leaps of logic. I got even more concerned over your well being and mental state after your mom showed up. You kept going on about how she’d want to kill you. And that you found her not wanting to kill you even more frightening.”

He sat up and frowned. “Yes, we’ve been over that! I told you, it was fine. Mum stated her intents. She just wants to be close to her children again! There’s nothing wrong with that!”

“No, no there isn’t. But you still can’t trust everything she says. I think part of you doesn’t believe what she says.”

“The part that had her stand back and watch as I was kicked out of Heaven might be a big part of that. It’s not like she tried to kill me or hit me or did bad things to me. I was afraid she’d hate me for ignoring her!”

“Yes, and you thought she’d kill you for it. You wouldn’t automatically think murder if she wasn’t capable of it.”

“She was everything a mum is supposed to be to us. To all of us! It’s dad’s fault she changed and went distant. Cold. He could have not ignored us! He could have spent time with us. He chose to not do so. It’s not her fault, it’s his!”

“Do you blame everything bad that ever happens to you or anyone in your family on your father?”

His mouth clicked shut loudly enough for her to hear it from her seat. “What?”

“It’s something I have found a lot in what you say. You blame him for everything. You blame him for setting you up a job you hate when your mother outright stated to you it was her idea to send you there. You blame him as the reason your mother went distant. You blame him for ruining your life.”

“Because it’s true!”

“Is it? Or is it what you want to believe is true?”

He leapt to his feet and threw his hands in the air, before running them through his hair. “I don’t understand you, doctor! You said you wanted to talk to me about what happened to Uriel and we’re back on my parents! What happened to my brother? My guilt. My _actual problems._ ”

“Because this is a problem. You keep bringing it up yourself. I saw the signs early on, I did, but I couldn’t place them properly because of what I thought were metaphors or delusions.”

“Signs of what?!”

“Abuse! It was clear to me that your parents were involved but you didn’t speak at all of your mother and blamed everything on your father and that’s...not generally right.”

“You think...you think dad abused me?”

“Neglected you, definitely, but any further than that I can’t tell. Your thoughts are warped when it comes to him. I am beginning to think it was more your mother, not your father.”

“But that’s stupid! I already told you she didn’t do anything abusive to me!”

“I know that. Alright, I’ll drop it. Let’s talk about Uriel and what happened.”

“And now you’re changing the subject!” Lucifer shouted. “I...I’m done here. I just...I can’t do this right now.”

“Wait! If you need to talk to me before our next session, please just call me. Any time. I promise only to stick to any subject you’re comfortable with.”

He stopped with his hands on the doorknob, turned to her and his eyes were blazing red. “See that you do, doctor. I’m not happy with you right now.”

And with that he was gone. This time at least he was legitimately angry. Unfortunately, she knew she shouldn’t have brought up her thoughts without easing him into it. He wasn’t ready for this subject. Not when the mess with Uriel was still fresh.

The stupid thing was she was pretty certain he would have figured it out on his own time if she had given him the chance to. 

Then again, he probably doesn’t believe her right now. Denial was not new for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - This is the first time Linda realises that a mistake she makes with him is actually a mistake. I personally didn't take the whole Samael/God's favourite son session as a breakthrough for Lucifer, even though Linda thought it one. All she did was piss him off by hearing Amenadiel's speeches coming out of her mouth. Not to mention its the one time she doesn't listen to him or take cues from him. Seriously, how did he not immediately guess his brother had something to do with it?
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer is the second made angel, followed very closely by Michael. In this fic, I kept Amenadiel as the first born, because it is canon for the show, but we don't know where Lucifer falls on the scale, because it hasn't been outright stated. Young could mean anything. To mum, they are all young, because she is their mother. It could also be talking of attitude which is what I thought she meant when she said it, and yeah, he's still that. Amenadiel is generally thought to be a lot lower down, because of his purpose. So most people think Lucifer is first born because of it. 
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer by this point had yet to pick up on the manipulations of his mother. I'm pretty sure he has doubts and worries over her himself now. She's digging herself into a hole with Lucifer and doesn't realise it. He's not the young angel he was up in Heaven any longer.


	9. Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer calls Linda in the early morning to talk about Uriel. She gives him some good advice on how to cope in a healthy and safe manner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow this fic will not be updated, instead a short fic in this series of stories will go up called Uncomplicated. It's the story involving Ella and Lucifer. 
> 
> This phone session here is probably one of my favourite ones in this whole fic. I wrote it fast and it seemed to just flow so nicely. I hope others like it too.

Sound

It was four in the morning and she had been fast asleep when the call came. She started awake and blinked at the time shown to her on the phone. She knew she had her phone on at all times for patients to call her when in crisis, but she had never been woken up so early in the morning before.

Once her eyes had cleared and she looked at the number, she realised who it was and immediately answered the call. “Lucifer! Are you alright?”

“I just woke you up, didn’t I? Oops. Lux is closed for the night and I just...I needed to, umm...”

She sat up and turned on her bedside light. “Hey, it’s okay. I leave my phone on in case someone needs me. If you need to talk, that’s fine, just please don’t drag me to my office now. We can do this over the phone.”

“Yes, yes. I remember.”

She grinned. She had momentarily forgotten that she had already given him that talk after the time he had gotten her up and to the office at 2 in the morning, after she had been up all night. “So! Lux closes in the early morning hours then on the weekend.”

“Yes, 3 in the morning on the weekends. I just...I needed to keep myself occupied and the club helps with that.”

“What are you trying to avoid?”

“My own thoughts, really. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you said last session. Week nights are fun with the club, but I need to close by midnight.”

“Mmm, it’s nice that you know not everyone can stay up partying all night and still manage to do a full day’s work the next day. Especially if they happen to be human.”

“Yes, not everyone can be as lucky as me to be blessed with angelic stamina.”

She sighed, fluffed up her pillow and got herself sat up and more comfortable for a long chat. He was obviously avoiding the topic. “Okay. You do remember I said we don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to?”

“Yes, I remember. I don’t want to discuss my parents right now. I need time to digest that info I think but... Can we talk about Uriel now? I don’t...I don’t think I could do it face to face.”

She closed her eyes at that, because she knew what the problem was. He was afraid that she’d see him as weak for crying. It was a constant problem she had with patients who like to be in control of their emotions. Lucifer was different in that he barely understood his own emotions, but he did know if he is upset enough to cry or not.

She remembered a time when he was worried he wasn’t able to cry.

“Doctor? Linda did you fall asleep? Should I call you back some other time?”

She shook her head. “No Lucifer, I’m not asleep and it’s fine to talk now. I was just lost in thought that’s all. And yes, it’s alright if we talk about Uriel now and not in session.”

He released his breath in a rush and she realised that he was truly relieved about having this conversation over the phone. “I keep seeing him.”

“Uriel?”

“Yes. Especially here in the club. It doesn’t matter if it is one of the nights I overindulge myself in alcohol to the point where even I will wake with a hangover or not. Sometimes I’ll be watching over the place like I always have, and I’ll just spot him or someone who looks like him in a crowd and it’s really confusing.”

“Do you try to contact him?”

“Sometimes. The first time it happened, I called out his name and started to go to him, but I was walked into and by the time I caught sight of him again I just realised it was just some human man who held similar features as he did.”

“Do you believe he is out there somewhere waiting for you in the crowd?”

There was silence for a few minutes according to the time on the phone, and for a while she thought he would hang up, but Lucifer did start speaking again.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I do. I mean, I killed him with Azrael’s dagger. He isn’t anywhere and I know that intellectually. I know that for a fact, but...”

“But you still see him around and you don’t understand why.”

“Yes! That’s it exactly. It’s so confusing. Do humans go through this?”

She smiled sadly, remembering the time her dad died and how many times she had spotted him in a crowd. “All the time. It’s normal after losing someone.”

“Yeah, well, I’d definitely say his death was a traumatic experience for me. I caused his death. I destroyed his soul. I’m just waiting for when my sister comes to reclaim her dagger. I wonder if she will take me out the way I did him.”

“Well, if she does, know I will be upset at your death. And so will others here on Earth.”

He was silent for a few seconds longer than she thought necessary at that, before he sighed heavily into the phone. “I doubt that will happen, but it worries me anyway. Uriel was the first true death in the family. And my first kill. I haven’t had to really deal with this before.”

“It’s understandable that it would be hard for all of you to understand and deal with.”

“Yeah.”

She reached out to her bedside table for the glass of water she left there when she went to bed and picked it up, taking a sip. “So, how are you coping since our last session? You stormed off in a bit of a huff there.”

“Not really well. I‘ve still been drinking more and throwing myself at every interested clubber that comes through Lux, but...it doesn’t really help.”

“You can’t just forget it happened or push it out of mind with your normal coping mechanisms of sex and alcohol. You should stop but I understand your need to punish yourself for what you did.”

“You think its wrong but think I should continue doing it anyway?!” he stated, his voice full of surprise.

“What? No! That isn’t what I said. I don’t want you doing that to yourself. It doesn’t help. Remember the distractions you were throwing yourself into when your mother first arrived and I said they won’t work forever? The same applies here and your self-punishing behaviour.”

“So what do I do then?”

“It might help to tell your friends about your brother’s death. You could also try and do what everyone else does. Find a constructive way, a healthy way, to let your emotions out. ”

“But I don’t have anything like that!” he stated loudly, and she wasn’t at all surprised he ignored the part about telling his friends.

She grinned. “Yes you do. You just probably don’t see it that way.”

“Well, what is this amazing ability I have that I don’t know about?”

She giggled at that. “Lucifer, stop being overdramatic. You do know of this skill. You make use of it regularly, or at least you did. I doubt you have been lately.”

He stopped talking for a few long seconds again, before letting out a loud sigh. “The piano.”

“Yes! I haven’t heard you play, but music is a great way to let your emotions out in a healthy and constructive way.”

“I had to cancel my set. I couldn’t play for an audience.”

“Have you tried playing in private? Maze tells me you have your own piano and not just the one in the club.”

“I...I haven’t tried. Usually I play all the time. It helps soothe me, but...”

“But you feel the need to be punished, and what does soothing yourself of your emotions have anything to do with punishment.”

“Yes...”

“Lucifer, what you’ve said about his death makes me believe that you had no choice. He left you no choice but to end his life to save everyone else important to you. He was at direct risk to everyone you know and love. It’s the same thing as Chloe shooting Malcolm.”

“No, it’s not the same. Chloe didn’t like Malcolm at all. She could tell he was on the take and tried to tell others and was punished unfairly for it. When she shot him and killed him she didn’t have anything to feel guilty about. Justice was served. And she proved herself right.”

“But if she didn’t kill him, he would have kept coming after people she cared about. Her loved ones. Her family, her friends, were all in danger. So, she took him out because it was the only way to stop his madness.”

“Remind me, doctor, when I go back to Hell, to visit him for some one on one reminiscing...”

“Lucifer...why don’t you play something?”

“Right now?!”

“Yes, right now. Let me hear your music?”

“What do I play one handed? I am kind of on the phone right now?”

“I don’t know. I’m not much musically inclined. Something simple I guess.”

“Hmm. Alright. Something simple and easy.”

The line went silent for a few seconds, but when the music came to her ears, she instantly knew the song he was playing as the Ode to Joy played with one hand slowly and she wondered why he would choose that.

“Why this song Lucifer?”

He was silent for a moment before answering. She didn’t know if it was because of the music or something else though. “I could use some joy in my life right now...”

And she knew then that it meant something. Whether only to him or if it was just the song in itself, he wanted to take any happiness he could find and make it his own, but he felt incapable of good feelings right now.

“Play something else. Something that reminds you of Uriel.”

“With one hand?”

“Is it possible?”

He thought about it, she could hear him humming to himself. “Yes, maybe... Are you sure? I might not be coherent afterwards.”

It was as good as any confession she had ever heard that he was probably going to be highly affected by his music and cry.

“Lucifer, have you cried at all, over his death?”

He sighed. “Yes. I went home after burying him. Mum was there. She held me and we cried together and it was a thing that happened.”

She sighed into the phone. “Okay, that’s good. It’s good to cry. It helps release grief and stress. And you’re bogged down with both right now. It will help. Play, cry. You’ll feel better.”

“Hmm.... can I put the phone down? You can just...listen to the music.”

“If you feel like you need to, that’s fine.”

She heard the phone being set down, and when the first note was struck and she could feel it almost through her phone, she realised that he had set the phone on the piano itself and the reverberations were adding to what he was playing. 

The song was unlike anything she had ever heard before. Playful, young, exuberant, mixed in with a touch of sadness, loneliness and anger. She wondered if the negative emotions were Lucifer’s until the tune suddenly distorted slightly quite suddenly and became something else, something other. The young and playful quality was taken out and there was a fluidity, a pattern to the music that was out slightly with what it had been before and she suddenly realised what he was doing. He was taking her by her word, literally doing as she asked.

He was empathising with Uriel. Putting not his emotions into song, but his brother’s.

And then the pattern changed again, becoming completely different to what it had started. Almost the polar opposite. Old, angry, bitterness mixed with slight hints of playfulness. All of it mixed in with a messed up pattern that set her ears tingling with the wrongness of it. She almost told him to stop, but held her tongue. 

She knew in that moment, he was reliving the fight and trying to express it the only way he could. The music started to sound angrier and she noted it must have been when Lucifer himself must have started fighting with his brother, and there was the hint of something else. Of pleading, of peace. Small bits of him were now getting in there. 

The song built and rose and fell and there was the sudden sharp and painful smashing of keys. She thought he was done after that, before the tune that was older and still near enough the beginning tune, except instead of playfulness, there was melancholy and acceptance.

And then everything stopped and was silent.

Lucifer hung up before he even picked up the phone.

She stared at her phone for five minutes, before putting it down, turning off the phone because she could not take another song right now and turned off her light.

She wouldn’t tell Lucifer she cried herself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer uses his personal piano for self soothing, which is why he gets up fast when he thinks he's had an audience listen to him play and sing when he's in the penthouse. The Lux piano is for fun and sets at the club. Every now and then the two mesh. The Unforgiven fiasco had him cancel his sets, as he thought he couldn't play at all without getting over emotional.
> 
> Headcanon - He prefers face to face sessions, which is why he doesn't do phone sessions. In this story, he does two phone sessions that are written, both of them due to his emotions. In this one, he hasn't gotten to the point where he's willing to cry in front of Linda. In the other, he's too emotionally spent to do much of anything.


	10. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer tells Linda about Chloe and Ella knowing about Uriel dying, they talk a little about how he's becoming friends with Dan and then talk a little on Alexithymia. Lucifer is once again not happy with the change of topic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is most likely full of mistakes. There's two different theories on Alexithymia for the most part, and even those branch off into two different subgroups. And its not a mental illness, though it can be the cause of Depression in those who have it, and sleep disorders. I didn't go into too much detail in researching it. What I found was a basic idea and a whole lot of differing opinions on why and how. So think of this as Linda's POV.

Friends

It looked like Lucifer hadn’t slept since the past three days since he had called her. Now, sitting on her couch, he was flagging in energy, almost sagging when normally he’d at least try to sit up and listen to her, even if he spun things in completely different ways than what she meant.

“Trouble sleeping?”

He grunted at her, which was worrying. It was almost like some of the vitality that he normal exuded had worn off.

“Anything you want to talk about? Or should we talk about your music from the other night.”

He glared at her. “Let’s not...”

“Okay. You’re obviously upset about something. What’s happened since then and now?”

He looked away, before sighing and letting himself relax a little into the couch. “I told Miss Lopez and Detective Decker about what happened. Well, not the killing him part with Chloe, because I don’t want to be locked up when it can be prevented and I have a tendency of unlocking locked doors because I hate being confined...”

“So you finally told her that your brother had died and now she knows why you’ve been acting out.”

He shrugged and nodded. “She’s not angry with me anymore for when I hit Dan. Which is good, because I actually regret doing that. He was just...there right in front of me and so an available target for my anger.”

“You and Dan seem to be getting on better now.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, he sacrificed his job and freedom for me once simply because he knew I was innocent of the crime I apparently committed and he felt responsible for it. Respect.”

“That’s good. Another friend to have.”

He frowned. “I really wouldn’t call what me and Dan has as a friendship. I think it more a general acquaintance now we can stand to be in each others company.”

“Well, that’s better than petty jealousy and calling him Detective Douche.”

He grinned. “Oh, I still call him Detective Douche, but only when he really irritates me or does something stupid. Other than that, now it’s Dan or Detective Espinoza.”

“I fail to see how the two of you aren’t really friends now.”

“Probably because the last time I saw him he ended up with my fist in his face...”

“You haven’t seen him since then?’

“The detective kindly withdrew me from police work for two weeks. Said I should have told her right away, as there’s a two week mandatory time off for grief thing they have going on.”

Linda nodded at him. “It would have been nice for you to have known that right away. You probably wouldn’t have made the whole precinct worry about your well being.”

He scowled. “Yeah, and now I don’t have anything but the club to keep my mind occupied. I...I haven’t stopped thinking since it happened and I just want to switch off for a while, but can’t.”

“Did the music help?”

He stilled and for a moment she worried he had stopped breathing. “It...It helps me deal with my emotions, but not the memories or the thoughts.”

“Alright. Do you feel up to talking about your thoughts or do you want to discuss something else?”

“Can we stick to talking about other things? I mean I wasn’t very good with talking about the memories of it. I played music instead. How pathetic is that?’

“It’s not pathetic. You have trouble even knowing what your emotions are if they’re not strong. And even when they are, sometimes you still can’t identify them. That’s not your fault.”

He pouted. “Everyone I know in this life I have created for myself seems to have no problems with this type of thing. I mean, they’ll have emotional problems, but...they understand what they are feeling and just bury it or use it. Why can’t I do that? Is it a human thing?”

She crossed her legs and leaned forward. “I have been putting off talking about this, regardless of being a psychiatrist, because I wasn’t sure what to think of you for the longest time. Now I know the truth, it’s actually a lot easier. There is one thing I can say for certain. As far as I have seen, between you and Amenadiel and Mazikeen, angels and demons have the same emotional range as humans do. 

“Maze was unsure how to act around humans at first, because she only ever knew Hell, where she was your fighter and protector and had fun torturing souls for a living outside that. She’s channelled most of that into bedroom play, but she will always have the violent streak, but she is better able to tell positive and good emotions now, like friendship and love even.”

“Now, Amenadiel as far as I have talked to him outside him being a fake therapist, is actually very much human in his emotions. He may use them in different ways, like you do, because you aren’t humans, but the same emotional range is there and expressed.”

He threw his hands up in the air. “Great! So not only is it not a human thing, but both my demon and my angelic brother are better at this than I am. Where did I go wrong? Was I made faulty or something?”

Linda sighed and rubbed at her head. “I can’t tell. In humans the inability to understand or decipher their own emotions is called Alexithymia. And yes, it can occur in humans.”

He blinked. “There’s an actual name for it? Huh. So, I’m not alone then. That...that makes me feel slightly better, I think."

“There’s two different ways of getting it that is bandied about, but no one is really truly sure about it. One is natural, which is if you were born with it, and it is a natural part of who you are. The other is generally caused through...well, neglect and abuse. Trauma at an early age.”

He frowned. “So that’s why you brought that up! You think my parents did this to me.”

“It’s possible that they did, yes. You were definitely neglected, which is considered a lesser form of abuse, but...you were also abandoned, thrown out, made to feel unwelcome. You had everyone turn on you. You don’t take abandonment well, but every small wrong thing done can be seen as a betrayal or abandonment even if it isn’t.”

He grimaced and slumped in his seat. “Well, that’s all true, I guess. But why would that muck up the way I do emotions?”

“You weren’t emotionally looked after. You don’t know the right responses, because no one ever showed you the right responses. Your parents were distant and absent. Your fear reaction to your mother does state more going on than you are saying. You have doubts, I know you do, but we won’t talk about that until you’re ready to.”

And just like that he was on his feet and headed to the door. She sighed. She really needed to stop trying to coax him so openly about talking about his mother. “And reactions like this just make me wonder even more. Lucifer, please sit back down.”

“No! I don’t want to hear you saying bad things about mum right now! She’s...she’s really been there for me the past few weeks. You don’t know anything! Just...stay off that topic.”

Throwing her hands up in the air in the universal gesture of giving up, she let him walk out. At least this time he didn’t slam the door behind him. He was at least showing restraint there. His anger was really beginning to peak through the guilt now.

She’ll address that next session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer at this stage can't tell if he and Dan are friends or not. Punching Dan didn't help, and Dan still doesn't know in this story about Uriel's death. He finds that out a little later. Trixie is the last to find out, because he eventually tells her too. 
> 
> Headcanon - Everything he says or does when it comes to Chloe has him freaked out. He is so deeply tied to her, that to lose her would be the worst possible thing ever. And he's afraid he's going to scare her off by telling her personal things, so he jokes and makes everything about sex, because that's what he does when he's trying to figure out relationships. In my head it stays that deeply emotional connection, but never falls into sex. I like their relationship as is. Adding sex will diminish their relationship to me.


	11. Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda gets Lucifer a new toy to play with to help him deal with his anger. Lucifer tries it out. Things get overly emotional.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, rollout pianos/keyboards are so convenient. They take up a lot less room. I've never been to music therapy, but its now possible to place and hold many pianos. Awesome. I could sell my keyboard and get one of these, and have it hanging in its bag by my guitar. Then again, I did have the keyboard as my first instrument...do I want to sell it?
> 
> I'll shut up now about musical instruments.

Five minutes in to his time and with him being a no show, Linda was actually getting worried. He hadn't called to cancel their weekly appointment she always knew was on, no matter how his mood is, even if he stormed out the week before and she was likely never to see a patient again if they happened to be somebody else. 

Lucifer wasn't like that, he stuck to what he does, and he had a weekly appointment with her at 11 every Thursday morning. He had only ever missed out on one week, and he had made sure to call her to cancel then, even when it was at a time he really had needed her help and advice.

This was unusual for him, and unusual was bad. She quickly gathered up her keys and his file and got up, ready to go to Lux and have the session there if needed, but when she got to the door to her waiting room, she froze.

He was there, waiting. By the cold cup of tea at his side, he had probably been sitting there for a while. So, he had come, he had just gotten lost in his thoughts as he had waited for her last client to leave before waiting to be called in. He still looked exhausted.

He had never waited to be called in though. Except for that first time, and that was before they had become a working relationship.

"Lucifer, you can come in now," she called and he startled so badly, he almost knocked the cup to the floor. As it was, half the tea ended up there.

"Oh, bloody hell. Sorry. I got lost in thought."

She smiled at him. "Yes, I could see that. Come on in."

"But...the carpet?"

"This is an office building, Lucifer. We have professional cleaners come in to clean things up, including carpets. Therapy can be quite hard on a lot of people. A lot of liquids and some solids that should not be on floors end up on floors because of this. You're not the first to drop tea there."

He moved the cup to the coffee table and got up, looking reluctant. He usually wasn't reluctant. Still, he slowly made his way into her office and she closed the door behind him.

"Alright sit down and tell me why you're so reluctant to get close to me today."

He looked up at her, slightly surprised, before a small grin graced his face. "Okay."

He didn't just sit down, he laid himself down on the couch. So this was a confusing thing, then.

"When you're ready."

He took a minute or so before sighing and began to tell her what was wrong. "I got into a fight with Maze. Then I got into a fight with Dan. Then I got into a fight with Amenadiel. And then I yelled at mum, who just stood there and took it like she was just waiting for me to go off at her. And then she hugged me."

"It sounds like you needed that hug."

He shrugged. "I didn't want to be sad right at that moment. I didn't want to feel anything."

"Hmm, I'm glad you brought this up by yourself. I was actually going to speak to you about it during this session."

He blinked at her. "What?"

"Your anger. I thought you said you were using the piano to deal with your emotions in a healthy way."

He frowned. "I have been. Just like you asked me to. You said play and cry, so I have been. I've been dealing with the grief and guilt. I actually started to kind of feel better about everything even."

She nodded. "Yes, that's good. But you're only using it for guilt and the sadness that comes with grief. I meant use it for all your negative emotions that come from grief. Now you're working constructively on the sadness and guilt, your anger is making headway."

It was like a light switched on in his head, and he closed his eyes and laughed. "That's why I've been losing my temper so much lately? Oh, that's a relief. I thought something was wrong with me."

"Nothing new to add to the mess that is your emotions after your brother's death. But this is to be expected. Just...use the piano not your family and friends as a way to vent."

He nodded. "I'll try. I've just been so...angry lately. I mean, more so than usual. I'm usually angry at something..."

"Given your life, I think that's to be expected. You weren't really given very many chances to be anything other than angry. You usually control it well though."

He grimaced. "Yeah, usually. Since the whole mess with Uriel I've just...I still don't really understand how to deal with my emotions. All I know is the piano works so far. I never tried it for the anger though."

She got up and went to her desk and got out a roll that was in there. "That's good. I got you something from the music therapy rooms. I thought if you were having trouble expressing yourself in words, you could do it through music. Here."

She rolled it out on the coffee table and he stared at it. The mat was long, thin and a piano. She watched as he experimented with if it worked or not, by pressing one of the keys. He grimaced. "This thing sounds tinny."

"Tinny or not, it is workable and it is available for you to play if you feel like you need it."

He nodded, and moved his fingers into position over the mat.

He didn't play out of anger. He didn't even really play out of sadness or guilt or any of his emotions. What he played was more pop in nature and by the time he finished the tune he was playing, he had a small smile on his face.

"This will work for some things, but not others. It's not refined enough for what I've been using it for, but it holds a good enough tone for more fun things to play, and I could use some fun."

"Well, I'm glad you like it then. So! Do you think it will work for your anger?"

He nodded, and hit a few keys randomly. "I don't...I don't want company when I play though. Not for anger."

"You're afraid of lashing out like you did with Dan and Maze and Amenadiel."

He nodded, mostly to himself than at her and lifted his hands away from the keys.

"It's like there's this storm inside me that never goes away and every now and then it just boils over. Bursts its banks. And that is happening often now. It... It scares me that I am so out of control of my anger."

"You keep it well hidden usually unless someone irritates you to express it. Grief can make even the calmest person have a short fuse on their anger. You're not doing anything out of the ordinary, but you do need to learn to not take it out on other people. And that's what I think you're going to have trouble with, because you're used to taking your anger out on others."

He closed his eyes and did something that completely surprised her. He buried his head in his hands. He was usually very open.

"Ugh, sometimes I really hate my dad for doing this to me..."

His voice was all tight and clenched and she realised that he was probably close to crying if not already at shedding tears. He had yet to cry in a session.

And she had a small revelation of her own. Her own breakthrough when it came to Lucifer. Even with all their sessions together so far for the better part of a year now, he had always complained but never really dealt with anything involving his father. The only thing he had been willing to feel was anger, but now anger wasn't a safe place to turn to. He couldn't keep himself contained for long and didn't want to take it out on any more of the humans in his life.

She wanted so much to comfort him with touch but didn't know if he wanted that. They had been very strict on keeping things wholly professional since she had decided to stop sleeping with him and he started paying in money like every other client.

So, unless he actually asked for comfort, she would keep to her seat and wait patiently for the tears to stop. She didn't have to wait very long to get which way he was going.

"Nn, please..."

"I don't know what you want, Lucifer."

"Need...hold..."

For a moment she didn't understand what he meant by that, so she asked. "You want to be held?"

He let out a moan that was probably the highest pitched sound he had ever made and nodded, his head still buried in his hands.

When she had first stopped having sex with him, she had a very hard time not reaching out and touching him, now it felt odd that he had given her permission to and was outright asking for non sexual contact. But she could give it to him. Thankfully, her weaning herself off of him had really helped. Both of them, now she come to think of it. His sessions really started to matter afterwards, even when he did nothing but complain and take her words out of context.

She sat beside him on the couch and pulled him into a hug, one of her hands going to his back to rub comforting circles there. She kept her silence and just let him deal with this in his own way.

It was the first time he ever had.

No wonder he was dealing so badly with everything. How she hadn't seen this before was something huge. He was so good at hiding behind humour and smiles and his reputation she had missed it.

She had started helping him deal with the grief of Uriel's death. She hadn't really meant to rip open the lid that was the grief he felt towards his father.

At one stage he took his hands down from his face and wrapped them around her and held on tight as he could without hurting her.

By the time he had calmed down, not only was he so exhausted he was basically falling asleep on top of her, but she was thankful her appointments with him came just before her lunch break, so she didn't have a client waiting outside as it was 15 minutes over time.

"M' tired..." he murmured into her shoulder, snuggling down into the warmth of her arms and stilling himself as he got comfortable.

"Lucifer, I have other clients..."

"No...Sleeping now. Nice couch, let me try it out..."

She opened her mouth to argue, but knew it was a moot point by that time as his breath evened out against her neck and a slight watery snore escaped his mouth because his nose was clogged from crying. She had forgotten he hadn't been sleeping well lately.

Slowly she untangled herself from his clinging limbs and laid him down on the couch, careful to make sure that he had a pillow to lay his head on to not get mucous everywhere. She pulled out one of the sheets she kept in the room and left him to it. He was well and truly out for the count now. Emotionally and physically his body needed the sleep to get back up and running in some semblance of order.

She called the three appointments she had after lunch to cancel them, stating an emergency with another. It wasn't that far from the truth.

She grabbed his file which was on her desk and wrote down her notes for the day, making sure she went over everything else with a fine toothed comb.

She needed to reorder his file and remake his notes taking out the delusions and metaphors and keeping it as truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer holds a lot of anger in him, but he hates letting it out on people who haven't done anything wrong to him. Which is why sometimes when he goes all Devil on a perp, he's needed to be talked down by Chloe. Some people just really push his buttons. And then there's Malcolm who happily jumped all over every button he has on purpose.
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer starts going a little stir crazy if he has nothing to do but run Lux anymore, since he has found he enjoys the human version of punishing the wicked very much. In this fic, no detectiving plus his thoughts and memories of what went on with Uriel are not doing him much good mentally.


	12. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer meets up with Linda for dinner, instead of to his appointment which he had to cancel because of detective work. Things start off fine, before getting a bit too deep for both of them, when a very uncomfortable subject is brought up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, warning now that there is talk in this chapter of suicide and rape. Neither of the main characters are suicidal or anything, the conversation just gravitates there. Sex work is also brought up, due to Lucifer's dancers and Linda's past as a sex line operator. This is not a happy chapter.
> 
> Also, you can feel free to ignore the potatoes if you want. They are in there not as a headcanon but as a tiny piece of RL at the time sneaking in there on the day of my writing this. It's actually a happy, nostalgic moment for me now, so I kept it in there. It also lightens the mood at the beginning to something silly and weird. Then everything goes to Hell.

He had cancelled again.

This time it wasn't because he was avoiding anything though, thankfully. He was busy working a case with Detective Decker and they were on a stake out.

He outright said he'd prefer being stuck in a room with her for an hour talking about his feelings than stuck in a car for what feels like forever even if he and Chloe did end up chatting to while away the hours.

She could hear Chloe in the background telling him if he didn't want to be there he should have said something to her and she could have taken someone else instead but no. He had called her from the car. She found that hilarious and laughed about it after she hung up.

She hadn't expected to see him at all that day, instead expecting him either tomorrow or at their next week appointment, so it came as a bit of a shock when, at 6 that evening, as she was getting ready to go home after finishing up some notes on her 4 o clock client he called her asking if she was hungry.

"Lucifer, aren't you busy?"

"Not right now. That was a total waste of four hours and I'm hungry and I don't really fancy eating alone tonight..."

"Casual, Lucifer. I am not redressing to go somewhere formal."

"Fine! There's this little cafe I am quite fond of just down the street from your office. Meet you there. The Rose."

She smiled. "Yes, I know it. I'll meet you there then."

She was ready within a few minutes and the cafe was close enough to her work place she decided to enjoy the walk. It only took her ten minutes and she was happy with the exercise, the good day of work and having dinner with a friend/client afterwards.

"Doctor Linda!" came the familiar voice shouting at her from the back of the cafe as she walked in. He was waving at her from his seat in one of the seating areas and she quickly joined him.

"Hello Lucifer. How are you doing after your stakeout?"

He grimaced. "Bored out of my mind and twice as hungry. But it just doesn't feel like a Thursday done right if I don't see you, so dinner!"

She laughed at that. "Alright. What are you going to have?"

He grinned, and with a point to the menu stated quite loudly "Potatoes."

She blinked at him. "Potatoes?"

"Yep! This is the only place I know of in the L.A region that will actually sell potatoes by themselves. It's stupid, I mean, not much of a demand for just potatoes, but I love the bloody things. Mashed. Yummy."

"Mashed potato. You are ordering a plate of mashed potato."

He grinned at her and shrugged. "After sitting in a car for four hours with nothing to do and only the detective for company, I could use some comfort food, and this place doesn't sell cool ranch puffs."

She laughed at the absurdity and shook her head. "I'll have my usual too then. Toasted ham and cheese sandwich with salad side dressing."

He grinned back at her, and she could see that he seemed genuinely good. He wasn't upset right now.

"So, does it feel good to be back to the detective work after your enforced two weeks?"

He breathed out a relieved sigh. "Yes, it does. I was getting quite bored with just myself and the occasional visit from Maze or Amenadiel to keep me company during the days. My nights have all been fun though, as per usual."

A waiter came and they both just asked for their usuals and it was all written down in a jiffy. She loved this place, usually for lunch. She was happy they stayed open until 7pm though for the later crowd rushing home without dinners.

"So, what's the case about?" she asked, as they began their wait for food.

"Hmm? Oh you know, the usual. Some girl found murdered in her house. Dog sitter found her the next day decomposing on the floor. Police called in, homicide got it, Detective Decker with Dan in hot pursuit ended up at the scene, I was called in and here we are. Waiting hours long in a car for a boyfriend who ended up being innocent."

"That irritates you."

He sighed loudly. "Yes, it does! And I have been good at keeping hold of my anger so far this week and I don't want to muck that up. So, comfort food at my favourite little cafe with my doctor for company."

"No more fights, then? You didn't start yelling at Chloe in the car?"

He shook his head. "Nope. And I'm irritated, but feel oddly good regardless because I at least have something to do with my days now instead of brood, talk with mum and play the piano. I think I'm done with that for right now. I just need peace and quiet and a good night's sleep."

"Hmm, well, I for one am glad to see you emerging from the guilt. You need to do things that you enjoy, even if it is something as silly and simple as eating a plate of potatoes by themselves."

"Yup. I love food. And I love indulging myself in needlessly useless things that just make me feel better."

"At least you seem to have gotten to the point that you feel like you can feel good."

The grin slipped off his face. "Oh don't, please."

She blinked. "Don't...what?'

"Let's not talk about my issues. I have enough of them, we both know that."

She nodded. "Yes, sorry. This isn't a session. And definitely not the place to have one. Okay, anything you want to change the subject to that doesn't involve your issues."

He stared blankly at the menu in front of him and shrugged. "Why don't you come to Lux more often? Wear something pretty, stay at the bar and canoodle with the boyfriend while he works. It'd be fun!"

She grinned. "Are you trying to spy on me and my relationship while my partner works?"

He grinned. "Well, he does work for me. Come on, doctor. Let down your hair and let yourself go wild. Oooh! Why don't you invite Maze, Ella and the detective? It could be another girls' night out! Yes, it'd be perfect! I can maybe spruce the place up a bit and get some male exotic dancers in. Sure the girls would love that!"

"The girls?"

He blinked at her. "Yes, you know, the ones that go to my club frequently for the eye candy male clientele. Why did I not think of male dancers before now? I'd have to ask my dancers I have now if they'd mind. Some are iffy around males in half naked or naked states."

And that was possibly the first confirmation she truly got that while he said he did his best to keep his dancers safe from harm that he may actively be trying to help them out too. She used to work in a sex field, in a different context, sure, but she knew how dangerous it could be. And dancing was a lot more iffy than handling the phone lines like she had.

"You know, I don't know if Maze told you this or not, but I got through med school by being a sex worker."

His brow rose at that. "You were a hooker?" he asked, his voice a little too loud for her liking.

"Not in person."

He blinked and frowned. "I don't...understand."

"Sex work is more than working the streets, or being a legal escort. It's being an exotic dancer, some who get paid extra for lap dances or sex in a back room. It is people who, like me, worked the sex phone lines. It's people who put themselves on the inside of the glory hole because they like how it makes them feel to know that they're doing sexual things for complete strangers. It's not just being a hooker."

He blinked and shrugged. "Yeah, I know. I just never thought you did something like that."

"You think it wrong or bad? You think it degrading?'

He grinned. "No. I hire those that _do_ like doing what they do. Some of them have had bad experiences with other places though. Some people can't take no for an answer when it seems freely given. Even if it's not. I don't encourage my clients to even try to have sex with my dancers. I flat out ban it in my club. I don't like rape or sexual assault."

"Is that why it takes so long for you to close up shop?"

He cocked his head to the side, a confused look appearing on his face. "I don't understand what you mean."

"You make sure all the clients have well and truly gone before letting your dancers go."

She could see he understood. "Ah! Umm, yes. Why?"

"I just find it hard to believe that you think you're incapable of doing good things."

"It's not that I can't and more like it is frowned upon."

She shook her head. "Then I don't understand why you treat your dancers better than most in L.A."

He leaned forward and stared very hard at her. "Because suicide is a mortal sin, doctor. There is no going back from that. It's a one road ticket straight to Hell. You could be the purest soul there is blundering about on this planet and still end up barred from Heaven because something bad happened _to_ you and you couldn't handle the pain any longer."

And she knew in that instant exactly why he did what he does. He loved sex, he loved women and he loved looking at people's bodies. She knew he wasn't only interested in women, also liking men too, but he did have his preferences.

In her lifetime as a therapist, she'd had three suicides happen to her clients. Two were due to their inability to move on from the pain of what happened to them from rape. One, a man who had been sexually abused as a child and was raped after escaping his house by his girlfriend who wanted control. The other, a woman who had been blindsided by her best friend slipping her the date rape drug. The third was from war.

None of them had been bad people. And all three would suffer for an eternity because of wrongs done _to_ them. And they would have gone to Lucifer for _unjust_ punishment.

"Oh...wow. This is too deep. Let's just...wait for the food, eat and go."

"Let's..."

The food arrived a minute later, piping hot. She had lost her appetite but ate anyway. She was glad this place catered to both of them when it came to comfort foods.

Neither of them said anything else during their time together except a short goodbye as they left.

She suddenly felt the need to talk to a therapist herself...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Unlike in the Sandman comics (I haven't read the Lucifer comics yet, but plan to sometime in the near distant future) in which suicide is not something you necessarily go to Hell for, unless you believe it is, it's been hinted at in the show that God does not like suicides at all. Which means the show follows the religious belief that, yes, suicide is a mortal sin that gets you sent straight to Hell, no exceptions. Even if you did nothing wrong with your life. Lucifer really hates this, because it means innocent people end up in Hell.
> 
> Headcanon - Someone want to help make up a name and story for Linda's therapist? Because, yeah, I headcanon she has one herself. That would be a story in itself. With Lucifer as a patient and talks like this of Hell and what its like...she'd need it as much as he does.


	13. Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer tells Linda about a case he shared with Arson and he and Linda have a short chat with Chloe over the phone. Linda gives out another diagnosis based on his not getting better from Uriel's death, and with the addition of old memories being kicked up, he's not in a good place mentally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story won't be updated tomorrow. Instead, the second short story (the one with Dan named Take Me To Church) will be going up instead.
> 
> Yeah, you can guess how anxious Lucifer is to just get this week over with and then never have to speak of this ever again. If only things were that simple! Too bad he's discovered he has triggers.

He wished he had never mentioned anything to do with suicides going to Hell to Linda.

It wasn't that he was at anywhere near the point of wanting to do it himself, because no matter how strong the guilt he felt was, he didn't want to go back to Hell again ever and dying in any way, shape or form would just send him back there.

No, it was just plain depressing.

And, after the week in which he had broken down on her in session, he'd been having more and more days where he just didn't feel like doing any of the things he enjoyed.

He hadn't yet told Linda, but he was going to that day in his weekly session with her, because now there was an added element to the shitty things that were going on in his life. It hit a little bit too close to home.

He hated when he arrived early enough to have to wait in the room outside her office. Linda was rather meticulous when it came to her client files though.

"Lucifer? You can come in now," she says when she pokes her head out the door to check he is there.

He looked at the time and scowled. He had been lost in his thoughts again. Always lost in thoughts these days.

He got up and silently walked into the room, and he knew that his silence told her something was wrong. He apparently had tells he didn't quite understand. Half the time he didn't even know he was doing something that was unique to him in certain emotional situations.

He crawled up on the couch, wishing he could just sleep.

"You look really tired."

He snorted. "Yeah. Haven't been able to sleep the past few days..."

"Can you tell me why?"

He sighed. "The case I worked on with the detective hit a little too close to home."

"Oh? So, what were you and Chloe working on?"

"A case with Arson."

He heard her take a sharp breath and knew what she saw flash through her mind. It had been bugging the hell out of him since the hospital visit.

"I'm guessing there was a survivor?"

"Yeah. Chloe insisted we go talk to him. It was...It was pretty bad. 80% of his body. The Doctor's don't know if he'll survive or not. The pain is so bad they had to keep him really doped up and he wasn't thinking straight so they used me and my gift of getting people to open up to get it out of him what happened."

"Did you find out who did it?"

"Yeah. We got him. He'll be surprised when he dies."

She ignored that last part, not interested in it. Instead she went straight for the damned jugular as she was always doing. It was one of the things he respected in her.

"That must have been very hard for you to do, given your...personal experience."

He nodded. "I tried to get out of it, but the detective wouldn't let me walk out, because she knew I had a way of getting him to talk and she doesn't know about...well, that. I can't even think to show her."

"Did you tell her you had experience, even if you didn't say it was personal?"

"She didn't believe me, because she's seen me naked. No burns visible, obviously. The closest she sees as a flaw on me are my scars from where my wings used to be."

"And those are a different kind of trauma. You did that to yourself as a message. You wanted to be free. The burns were done to you."

He swallowed heavily and nodded. "Yes. It's...hard. I keep seeing it in my sleep. I keep feeling it under my skin. I can't stop my thoughts from thinking of what it was like and how long it took to bury the pain and get on with what I was now tasked to do."

"Lucifer...are you still in pain?"

He let out a shaky breath. "Not really. I forget it most of the time here, now. But...things like this. I...I feel it and sometimes it does. It hurts and I remember and I can't stop seeing it. I just want it all to stop."

"And instead of stopping it's getting worse."

He closed his eyes and nodded. "Yes. I can't sleep. My thoughts are always on it. Usually I could try and lose myself in fun things. Drugs, alcohol and sex. But...I don't feel like doing any of that stuff either. All I want is to sleep, I'm so tired..."

"I'd put you on a sleeping pill for a week, but with your metabolism, you'd burn through them far too fast and I doubt they'd work."

He ran his hands through his hair, messing up his hair, which he had at least taken the time to brush before getting here. "I doubt they'd work either. What do I do?"

"Well, I would like to get permission from you to speak to Chloe about this. I don't want you working with Arson anymore. It's definitely taking a toll on your mental health."

He frowned, but nodded. "Okay. Umm, what would you say to her?"

"Not anything private, don't worry about that. Just that you've had a bad experience with fire and burns and that you shouldn't be called in on any more cases like this one."

"What if she doesn't believe you?"

"I'd ask her why she would think that a therapist would lie about something as serious as this when it comes to a client she knows has issues with that subject already."

He thought about that one for a while, wondering if he should give permission fully or no now he knew what would be said.

"Do...do you think it would help if I was there?"

Linda cocked her head to one side. "I couldn't say. I suppose we could do this over speaker phone now, if you'd prefer to just get it over with."

He sighed and nodded. "Yes, please."

Linda used her work phone, the large plastic answer phone that he thought was a bit of a moot point now that the little and much easier mobile phones were in use. No, wait, they're called cells here in America.

"Decker!" came the voice of his partner in solving crimes and he smiled.

"Hello, detective."

"Lucifer! This isn't your number. Where are you calling me from?"

"Hello, Chloe. He's calling from my office. We're on speaker, so he can hear your end of the conversation and he can come in any time he wants."

"Wait...are you calling me while in a session, Lucifer? Is that even done?"

"It's morally acceptable and legal, detective, if I have his permission. And since he is right here, you know I do." Linda answered her, a small smile on her face.

"Oh. Okay, why are you calling me then? I thought these things were private and I am at the precinct."

"Lucifer has been telling me about the last case you worked on. I got his permission to call you to talk to you about it."

"What about it?"

"It's not good for his mental health to be put on cases involving burn victims. He's had a previous very traumatic experience."

"Wait...you mean he wasn't saying that just to get out of something most people would be squeamish about?"

"It's been my experience, detective, that Lucifer doesn't lie. He's very blunt when he comes to what he says. If he told you outright he has personal experience with this, take him by his word."

"Oh, God. Lucifer, I am so sorry. I thought you were just being like most citizens in a situation like that and thought you were trying to weasel out of it."

"No. It has brought up a lot of very bad memories for me, detective."

"And I made you sit there and do that thing you do because it was the only thing I could think of to get him speaking. I am so sorry. We could have gotten him to write things down if I had known it wasn't an act."

"It's alright. I don't blame you for it."

"Okay, I won't call you in for any more Arson cases. Fire is out, got it."

He sighed. "Thank you, detective."

"Thank you, Chloe. We'll let you get back to police work now. Bye."

"Bye detective."

"Bye, Lucifer, Linda. Take care of yourself, alright?"

"Always."

And with that, Chloe hung up on her end, and soon Linda had followed her, ending the call and leaning back in her desk chair.

"She's reasonable," Linda stated, looking at him.

He shrugged. "Sometimes."

"I told you she would accept it."

He shrugged and curled up. "Why didn't she believe me when I told her?"

"You don't always sync up your reactions with what you are saying. She probably saw you smiling or having the wrong emotion a traumatised person would show when coming upon a trigger and thought you were making things up to get out of the experience."

He blinked. "I didn't smile. I couldn't. I didn't want to go in there."

"I'm going to try and work through this with you, but you're going to have to talk to me about it. But we'll start that next week. We're running out of time. On the other hand, I think it fair to say that you have some form of trauma disorder."

"Are you diagnosing me with PTSD?"

"I think I am... You've been having intrusive thoughts and memories since your brother's death and I know you've been having problems with sleep. You've said so yourself. That isn't easing and it's been well over a month now, Lucifer. This has just dug up old traumatic memories and added it to the pile that's causing you your problems now. Your mind is still trying to function like normal but is finding it difficult. You need to stop burying things and deal with them as they happen."

He nodded. "That's what I have been trying to do with things now and it's not really helping with the memories or thoughts. It's just...this is so old and a deep part of who I am. I don't know what I'd be without it."

"Well, we'll work on that too. I'll see you next week. And we'll talk properly Lucifer. You need to talk of the Fall again and more importantly the leading up to it. Don't think I didn't notice your lack of detail the first time you talked of it."

He gulped but nodded. "Yeah, I think I really do need to talk about it. What if I'm not ready, though?"

"You will know when the time is right. You have a week to figure out how to tell me and get used to the idea. But, if it gets too difficult we can leave it for another time."

He nodded, stood and walked to the door. "Next week then, doctor."

He walked out and closed the door softly behind him, suddenly terrified of what will happen in the room next session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer doesn't tell Linda everything. Lucifer doesn't see much difference between intrusive thoughts or flashbacks. Linda has cottoned on that he's having intrusive thoughts and memories, but he hasn't said anything about flashbacks. He is having them, but the intrusive thoughts are more common and apparent to him.
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer doesn't do fire if there are badly burnt survivors. Chloe doesn't do homicide of children. Dan doesn't do drowning victims easily and avoids them as much as possible.


	14. Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer retells the events of his Fall, this time in greater detail, including the events that led up to that point. Linda supports him throughout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers! This is where Lucifer begins to truly doubt his mother. He's remembering things now as they really happened, and not blaming his father for everything. He's a bit shocked at how much he buried.

He had almost called several times throughout the week to cancel this appointment, because of how anxious it was making him and ended up getting breathing lessons instead.

Chloe and Dan were keeping him well out of the way when it comes to the good police work, saddling him with small, easy jobs or left him with the ever happy Ella, while she worked in her lab.

He actually didn't mind. For one, every time either his partner or Dan asked him what was wrong his throat closed up and he couldn't speak. For another, it gave him peace and quiet when Ella wasn't in the room working, meaning he had a place to keep calm in, something which he was finding harder and harder to accomplish.

Yesterday he'd had a full blown panic attack. The whole precinct seemed to know and suddenly he had a lot more friends around him, as they all had at least one bad thing happen to them that made them panicky.

He at least had the whole burn thing to lean on now.

It wasn't going to get him out of this conversation though. The dreaded session had finally arrived and now, sitting on the couch with Linda sitting next to him for support, he felt like he was about to jump right out of his skin.

"You look really anxious," Linda stated and he let out a loud, high pitched giggle that made him wince.

"I really don't want to do this."

She leaned forward and placed a hand on one of his. "I know. But the anxiety isn't going to go away on its own, and you know that. I doubt you want to stay in this state for long. It's not very fun."

"No, no it's not. And I understand that. I will, I just... Thinking about talking about it is making me feel physically ill right now."

She patted his hand. "It's alright to feel that way. You can take as much time as you need. Do you want to continue past your session? I can cancel my afternoon appointments, since none of them are in crisis right now. Or, do you want to do this over several sessions? The choice is yours. Some people prefer the weekly breaks, others just want to get it over with."

"Hah. I just want it to be over. I've been thinking about it all week. I've been having flashbacks, panic attacks, the anxiety hasn't left me alone at all. I'm stuck in the labs with Ella. Not that I mind working with Ella, I just prefer grabbing the bad guys and punishing them."

"Well, it's good you've got a job to do to keep you occupied still. Chloe has obviously learned her lesson about keeping you out of the loop completely and is keeping you involved. That's a good thing."

He nodded. "Hmm."

"Alright, just sit there and try to relax as much as possible with some deep breathing, while I cancel my afternoon appointments."

He took her advice and took some calming deep breaths while she made the three calls she needed to, citing a crisis as her reason. It was times like this he was glad he chose a good, highly qualified therapist to help him out. She was dropping other people to look after him.

Soon enough she was sitting beside him again and her hands were gently laying over one of his, while his other hand squeezed the life out of the sleeve to her blouse, so as not to hurt her physically by accident.

"I...I don't even know where to begin..." he said, his voice small and he felt really lost right then.

"Where do you think it began? And don't go by what people say happened, go by what actually happened. Ignore what other people have told you about it. Go by the truth. Strip yourself of lies and denial."

He frowned and was going to say with humanity, because it was the easiest thing to say, but then he remembered something that happened before that and cocked his head to the side.

"There...there was a fight. Mum and Dad never fought in front of us kids, you know, but we could always tell when they had fought. It was all stony silence and glares."

"Sometimes our parents think that not fighting in front of them means the kids can stay ignorant of the bad times."

He snorted. "Yeah. It didn't work, at least not with me, and it hurt to know they were fighting."

"Okay, so what happened after this fight?"

He frowned, because he hadn't actually thought of this in so long, the memories were disjointed. Still accessible though and he opened up that part of his mind for the first time and saw.

"Dad...Dad locked himself away, wasn't accessible to anyone but those he favoured. And mum had grown cold and distant. At least, she was that way with me, I don't know about how others felt."

"That's okay, we are focusing on you right now, forget the feelings of the others unless it is relevant."

He nodded. "Umm, I went and found Dad. He was placing the planets around my stars. I asked him what the fight had been about and he said to ask my mother. I took the cue and dropped the subject, and instead focused on what he was doing. I asked about the planets and when he'd be back home. He said he was making them so they'd be in perfect formation and alignment with my stars. He wanted it to look and be perfect. He'd come back when he was done. I think it was the first time since he changed my name that I felt wanted and needed by him."

And now he was blinking back tears. "Shit, this is...I haven't thought about this in so long, it's actually really upsetting me."

"It's okay to be upset by this. So, he explained what he was doing and gave you the advice to speak to your mother about the fight. What did you do?"

"I took his advice. I went back home and asked mum. She...she was angry. But not just at dad, but at me too. She...she usually was so loving and caring and nice to me. It shocked me when she started yelling and screaming that it was my fault that he was like this now. If I hadn't made the stars, he would be spending time with his family, his real family."

"I asked what she meant by that and she refused to answer me. I think he must have told her his plans for humanity and she didn't like it one bit."

"So your mother is against humanity?"

"Oh, yes. Always has been and probably always will be. She tolerates humans because she has no choice right now, being stuck as one. It fit as a better punishment for her than being in Hell, which never really worked on her. She says it's because she's innocent of whatever crime it was she committed that got her booted to me in the first place."

"You still don't know what that was?"

He shook his head. "No. I think though she actually did what I was accused of and tried to start a war with dad. Destroy him and take over Heaven."

Linda started and he looked up at her face.

"What...what makes you think that?"

He shrugged. "It was the reason Uriel was so hell bent and flying with the cuckoos. He wasn't himself at all, and I think mum had something to do with it. As it was, he went AWOL from Heaven, which meant he probably wouldn't have been welcome back anyway, but he didn't have to die because of it..."

Linda patted his hand. "Okay, let's get back on to the topic at hand. Your mum blamed you..."

He let out a sound which sounded distressing even to his ears and nodded. "I forgot this happened. How could I forget this?"

"Sometimes the mind locks away bad memories because we can't believe or have trouble accepting them. You focused on certain parts of the trauma, while others slipped your mind completely."

"Hmm," he murmured, before taking a deep breath and shaking his head. "Umm, where was I? She yelled at me that it was my fault and I flew off to cry. I didn't understand how I had done anything wrong. Umm, Boring days, boring days, boring days...I was upset, and stuck mainly with Gabriel. Not much happened for a while. Time hadn't been invented yet, so I have no idea how long it actually was, but I think it was a pretty long stretch of time. It felt long.

"Okay, so then what happened," came Linda's voice and he realised he had gone silent and stuck in his thoughts of those days where he just hung out upset and unsure how to act about it with his siblings.

"I was angry and confused. I didn't understand what she meant by it being my fault or what other family there was when there was just us. And...And then dad came back."

"He had finished with the planets then?"

He nodded. "Yes, or so he said. And he said he had chosen to bring life to a few of them, and he went wild with it. But his favourite planet was this little blue and green ball that was nothing special. He created an idyllic setting and called it Eden and made man and woman out of materials lying about. Adam and Lilith were not happy. Lilith wanted equal rights and Adam thought, as the first born, he should be the leader. Lilith was pissed off and discarded him. She was banished from Eden and locked up as a failed experiment. Then there was the second who wasn't named. Then Eve, of course and that whole mess."

"There was a second before Eve?!" she asked, surprise evident in her voice.

"Yes. She was discarded by Adam because he didn't like what she was made of. Stupid reason, she was the good one! Anyway, telling things in order, mum got really super pissed off and begun to take it out on me and dad. She begun to tell me things about him I never wanted to know, like how he was building humanity up so that he had a family outside of us and that we were going to be replaced and...Oh bloody hell!"

Her hand tightened in his for a short few seconds. "Lucifer, what is it?"

"I...I never even thought about it before. I thought she was telling the truth! What...why?"

"Lucifer, use your words."

"She...she went back to being loving or as close to it as she could manage while being so angry. She would occasionally still lash out at me with hateful words, but mostly all her ire was directed at dad. She used to say the worst things about him, and I became resentful. She...she turned me against him. I...I don't remember this! That doesn't...It can't be right."

"Alright, take a time out for a few minutes to breathe. You're hyperventilating."

He was going to get through this day if it killed him, and his chest held that tight feeling it got yesterday as he had his panic attack... "Think m' having... panic attack..."

Linda stayed at his side to keep him company, making sure only to touch him when he asked her to, because in that state of mind, touch just made it even worse. By the time he was ready to continue on again, an hour had passed and Linda's normal lunch break was over.

He hadn't realised he was getting through this story so slowly. But he couldn't go any faster.

Once he was calm and settled again, the box of tissues that usually occupied her desk when he was in session was in front of him on the coffee table and he had one in his hands, where he saw it fit to rip into tiny pieces. A trash can was in front of him so he didn't just throw bits of tissue all over the floor in a stupid fit of anger.

He would forever deny throwing up.

"Do you want to wait until next week to go on, or continue on today?" Linda asked him anyway.

He shuddered. "Keep going. Now that I've started I don't want to stop until it's over with. I was just... I wasn't expecting those memories."

"That's to be expected. Like I said, the mind sometimes buries some of the memories in favour of others."

He nodded. He did remember her saying that. "Umm, where was I?"

"Your mum had taken her anger out on you and your dad and manipulated you against him."

He took a deep breath. "Yes... I still don't...but moving on. One day I decided I wanted to see what these humans were like. Back then it was okay to go and talk to them. Seeing as how they were considered heavenly beings even if they were a different species to us angels. They didn't have wings, and they procreated by carrying the child inside the female's body. Eve was pregnant in no time it seemed and I was interested in how it all worked out. So, I went down there and I asked all I could. When she said that there was one tree that was forbidden I asked why and her answer didn't make much sense to me. Who forbids nothing but the fruit off of one tree? So I just told her if she wanted it so badly, why didn't she just take it. Surely it couldn't be that bad. Plus they had free will and could do whatever they wanted. Why not?"

"Yes, she took the fruit."

"Yep, we've already talked of that. Everyone knows that story pretty much accurately except for the whole snake thing. And it wasn't an apple, but moving on."

"Okay, what happened after that?"

"Dad was pissed off with me, is what happened. His fun little pet project just ate of the tree of knowledge and he banished them from the Garden and put them on Earth proper."

"Okay, and then what happened?"

He blinked, lost in the memories. He shook his head. "Er, mum and dad went off on their own to fight again. This time I knew it was about me. They were always fighting about me nowadays. It was like every interaction they had was her blaming him for how I turned out and him blaming her for hurting me by yelling at me constantly and turning me against him. It was... It was a complete mess and I blame myself for it. Blamed myself for it."

"No, don't change your words around. No denial here today. You still do blame yourself for what happened, don't you."

He buried his head in his hands and wished he hadn't shredded the tissue because now he was crying.

"I... I don't see how it couldn't be my fault. They both blamed me for it. It was my fault!"

"No, it wasn't. You had no idea what your father's plans were. You had no idea it was a test, you just thought it a silly rule and there were plenty of other silly rules you probably broke already, because that's what you do."

He nodded. That was true, at least. And he hadn't been told it was a test. He thought that was what humanity was going to be and always would be.

"When the fighting stopped, they both came out. Mum was subdued slightly, and didn't say a single word to me until she got here on Earth herself. Dad... Dad told me I was to be punished like the mortal humans were being punished and be banished from Heaven. I... I cried, I begged for a different punishment, one that fit the crime! He...he said if I liked punishing those who were guilty so much then that would be what my new purpose is and he sent me to Michael to be kicked out. He didn't even do it himself. He had my brother do it for him."

"Mum... Mum came and watched as it happened, and just stared at me as I was dragged off, my wings were broken so I couldn't... I couldn't fly. I couldn't escape. And I was wrapped in chains and my brother wasn't even upset with his role. By that time rumours had been started. I don't know who or why, but they said I was trying to take over. That I wanted Dad's place for my own. Stupid really. My rebellion came in the way of questioning things, that's it! There was no full on war or rebellion. That's not true. It was all a bunch of lies, yet they were talking about it as though it were truth as I was being dragged down the streets to the gate. I heard them, that I was being punished for doing bad, doing wrong. That I was bad and wrong and deserved my punishment. I don't understand why?"

"Someone really wanted you to suffer. You did nothing wrong at all. This was all a huge misunderstanding and you were stuck in the middle of it and blamed when you shouldn't have been."

He nodded at the words Linda said, knowing they were meant to bring him comfort, but right then they didn't. It just hurt. Everything hurt.

"I was told that there was a mirror of Heaven. That I would have free rein there and do whatever I wanted. I was being given Free Will, but would be trapped in a place I wanted nothing to do with for no reason! Holy fuck, I am just...so upset and pissed off right now. I need a drink..."

Linda got up and, knowing she had no alcohol available did what she always did when he said he needed a drink. Went out into her waiting room and poured him a glass of water. It was another short break, but he didn't care. He needed it.

By the time he had drained the glass of its contents, he had managed to get a grip on his fraying temper and knew he'd either be having some really rough sex tonight, or would go find Amenadiel and pick a fight to get out some of the rage he was feeling.

Or, he could pummel the keyboard pad to hell and back and not damage it and get out his anger that way. For a moment he forgot that even existed. He hadn't needed it the past two weeks.

"Was that the first time you had heard of Hell?"

He nodded. "I didn't know it had been created. I heard some of the others saying it had been created for me. Others were saying that it wasn't a punishment but a gift. Others were saying that it didn't matter, he'd suffer anyway. And I did."

"And then you were kicked out?"

He nodded. "Yep, like so much garbage. I was given the boot. Well, it was more like given the sword really. And I fell...It was...horrifying. I couldn't use my wings to get myself stabilised in the fall, I couldn't unwrap the chains that were around me, because they were holding back my arms and hands. And it was... it was terrifying. It was dark and it was lonely and there was nothing there, just falling. I didn't think there would be an end to it, just continuous spinning out of control and then I landed in Hell. I broke most of the bones in my body, and at one stage the fall was so fast I kind of caught fire, you know. Hence the...the burns."

"I...I don't think I can really describe it in other words than that. I can understand if it doesn't make much sense but... All I know was that for a long time, I was alone. The chains had burned me and rusted free of my body with the heat of the fall and I was left in an empty, desolate landscape that was a dull grey as far as the eye could see. It was raining ash. It never stops raining ash in Hell. I hate ash so much, it ruins any attempt of looking good in a suit."

"Soon enough souls began making their way to me. All wicked souls. But before that I came across Lilith who was chucked down there to be punished. She became a demon, the first. Twisted from Hell's endless darkness and birthing as many children as she could to anyone who would have her."

"Maze was the first demon I created myself. My perfect Mazie. I gave Lilith a new job which didn't involve spitting out hell babies and made demon kind myself. I killed quite a few of her spawn over the years. Corrupted and twisted souls they were. Urgh, children still make me shudder."

"For a while I did what dad wanted me to. I took on the human souls who made their way down there and punished them. I even came in some way to enjoy it, but I didn't like that it was forced on me. That's the beauty of Earth. I still get to do the punishing, except this time I know what their crimes are and get to actually punish because I do like it. It is my new purpose and should be enjoyable, not a burden. Here it is."

And he suddenly realised he had stopped talking of the trauma and had immediately switched to Earth and what he enjoyed about being here. Still, he had told her the whole tale of what had happened with the Fall and that was what they were supposed to talk about, so it was all good.

"Hmm. Thank you for telling me. Do you feel calmer?"

He frowned, searched his emotions and blinked. "A little. I don't think I'll be alright for a while yet, but...I do feel better."

Linda smiled at him, a large happy smile and held out her arms for a hug. He grinned back and decided to accept it. She squeezed him gently. "Well, today has been an exhausting day for you, and you look about ready for bed, but let me just say this. I am proud of you. You did really well today. I know how hard breakthroughs are for you. Yet you still got through it."

He blinked and grinned slightly back at her. "Yes, I did. I better go now. The club will open in a few hours and I need to check inventory."

"Okay, well, you make sure you go to bed early or you'll be exhausted tomorrow."

He saluted. "Yes ma'am."

And with that he got up and left. He didn't even say goodbye, as his mind was now on more important things. Like the bottle of top shelf whiskey he was going to drink tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - I'm using Eve's tale from the Sandman series as the go-to story of Eden plot, because I really liked that version of it. So, yes, nameless second wife who was made with skin and bone and flesh and from the inside out is in there. You know, the one who actually is made like a human. I never really understood the story of Adam and Eve...like, at all.
> 
> Headcanon - Sleep is like another addiction for him. He does need it, but not as much as humans do, and mainly because of being on Earth. But he loves to sleep when he can, and his body is so used to it he gets sleep deprived like any one of us would when he goes without.


	15. Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer is distracted by a bird that won't shut up singing to her eggs. Linda is both annoyed and amused by it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a nice little break from the angst that's been going on. Lucifer has decided to take a break for a few minutes to be silly.

Sight

Lucifer was distracted by something.

Linda didn’t know what it was, but she did know she was getting pretty fed up with his smirking for no reason and his eyes darting to a window.

She was trying to get him to talk about how his revelations from the past few weeks were making him feel and if talking about things was helping and he kept acting like he was in his club with a swarm of leggy women surrounding him. 

“Right, that’s it. You’re getting nothing out of today. What are you distracted by.”

He grinned at her, his real grin and not the one that offered sex. “There’s a bird outside.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know. I can hear it.”

He laughed. “Oh, darling, I can understand what animals are saying just as much as I can understand you humans. Can you imagine what that bird is singing about?”

She frowned. It hadn’t been quiet for the entire morning and she had enjoyed listening to it.

“I don’t think I want to know.”

He shrugged. “Alright, but just so you know, I think there’s soon going to be a lot more chirping going on. Of the high pitched annoying kind.”

She deepened her frown. “What does that mean?”

“Your bird perched on the eaves of your office is singing to her eggs about the virtues of colour.”

She blinked at that. There was nothing wrong with colours at all. “What? Why colour?”

“Birds have very sharp eyesight. Their eyes pick up more colour than humans do, so their spectrum is much wider. So, it’s easy to tell each individual bird apart.”

She nodded, wondering where he got his knowledge of birds from. “Okay, so they see more colours.”

“Yes. It’s a sparrow. She’s singing of how her mate’s chest is the most deep black she ever saw. How the brown sticks of the nest she made to house her eggs in were the creamiest brown she had ever seen. How the speckles on her eggs shone in the bright light of the sun...”

Linda smiled. “Sounds like poetry.”

He grinned at her, and this time there was a definite smirk in there. “Oh yes, that is until she began going on and on about her mate jumping her all breeding season like she was the only thing that mattered to him.”

She closed her eyes and shook her head. “You’re too busy listening to a sparrow raving about sex to do anything else?”

“Well, sex is one of the best things to do, doctor. Really, it’s the most fun you can have with another person there is. Mind you, I am not interested in any other species as a bed mate of my own. I’ll stick to ones that look like me thanks.”

“It must be awkward, considering all of your own species are your siblings. I can understand your fascination with humans that much better now. Is this normal for you?”

He blinked and for the first time that session seemed to focus more on her than the bird. “Is what normal for me? You’re going to have to be a tab bit more specific than that.”

“Your sex drive. I don’t know if you’re just addicted to sex or if your libido is off the charts.”

He nodded. “Specific enough. Both. I am definitely addicted to sex. And I also have a high libido. Why do you think it is that whenever I don’t have sex I worry something is wrong with me? It’s usually one of the first indications. It’s also why I tend to have more than one person when I do go to play.”

“Were you....made this way? Or is it just something that’s happened while here on Earth?”

He cocked his head to one side and stared blankly out the window. “I think it is more from being here than anything else, though I did start the whole sex thing in Hell.”

She was actually surprised about that. “Really? Why?”

“Because I liked what Maze looked like, I had heard all about it from human souls and... Well, personally I wanted to try it. I never actually used it as punishment. I mean I did a lot of bad things but...I draw the line at forced sex. Sex should never be forced. I left those wanting to be punished that way to the demons. Or, if not alone, other souls.”

“If not alone....”

“Most people who end up in Hell get their very own version of it. System I set up ages ago. I need to go back at one stage and fully automate it. Right now, only some souls go right in. Not all. It’s a problem. I can’t imagine the backlog I’m facing when I go back now...”

Linda shook her head. “It is surreal to be talking about human souls and how they are backlog to you right now.”

He grinned. “I really should have at least given a key to Amenadiel when he began looking after the gates in my absence. But no, I am far too not nice for that.”

“So your backlog is your own fault. May you learn a valuable lesson from all of this.”

He grimaced. “Yes, when leaving someone to house sit, make sure they actually have the keys to the house. Might help a bit.”

And Linda couldn’t help it, she laughed. “Lesson well learned then. How is he anyway? I haven’t seen Amenadiel in a while. He hasn’t been to his office. And I can’t believe he actually still uses it...”

Lucifer shrugged. “He’s not doing too well right now. I don’t think any of us are.”

“Grief does that to people.”

He shook his head. “No, he was upset beforehand. When he began losing his feathers. He looks like a plucked chicken right now. Who knows if they will grow back? Maybe they will if he grovels enough. Dad can be a real bastard when punishing sometimes, as I well know.”

“Is that how angels generally go when they fall?”

He shrugs. “I have no idea. He’s the first I’ve truly known. I didn’t care that much before. Usually they just go slowly insane and become demons...”

She looked shocked. “Do you think that will happen to Amenadiel?”

He frowned. “I don’t think so. I actually know about him and what’s going on, though he did his best to hide it from me. He told Maze and not me. He lost his wings for the most part. Well, he can’t fly anyway. And he lost his strength and his time slowing ability. I never lost my power or my wings. I just went through the literal falling part. He is losing his power but hasn’t gone the through the actual falling part, which I suppose means there’s hope still for him yet.”

“The opposite of you in every way...”

He cocked his head to the side and frowned. “Yes, yes it is. No one said dad didn’t have a really strange sense of humour...”

“I wouldn’t call this funny...”

He grinned. “Well, regardless, he’s as much stuck here on earth as I am...and I think that’s why he’s being punished. He kept on going on about hell was a gift to me, which is a load of garbage. I think he’s been grounded so he can’t get off Earth, not necessarily because he’s being punished. He’s more been grounded for bad behaviour and to keep mum calm and with more than one son.”

And she saw a light click on his brain, and he began scrabbling at the pocket which held his phone. She sighed. “Lucifer, no phones in session.”

“Then I will bid you good day, doctor. I have a really important phone call to make and, well, I dread to think of what just popped into my head. Grounded...”

He was rambling to himself, even as he got up and went to the door, punching in a number he had to think a few seconds to remember. Whoever he was calling wasn’t her, maze or Chloe, the only numbers in his direct dial.

She had no idea what he was thinking when he got like this, because his mind almost seemed to jump tracks. It was one of his less than human behaviours.

She let him go without another word. He wasn’t listening anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer understands all languages. ALL of them. Including animals.
> 
> Headcanon - There's a difference between an angel Falling and Amenadiel being grounded. God grounded Amenadiel for specific reasons.


	16. She

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer feels ready to tackle his problems more head on. Linda is proud of him for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a reference to paedophilia in this chapter, but there is no child sex abuse going on in this fic. Just a heads up.
> 
> I only just realised that the last two lines of this part ended up switching over to Linda's POV when the rest is mainly from Lucifer's. Huh, odd. Ah well. 
> 
> On the other hand, I liked the days when my word count went over 1667 mark. And especially if they go over 2000. This is one of them.

Lucifer was not in the best of moods. He had spent the past week in talks with Amenadiel, and thinking about the past and especially all the revelations that had come out about his mother during his talk with Linda about what had happened to him.

Nothing made much sense to him anymore. He wondered if this is how Linda had felt when he had shown her his nastier side by showing her his devil face. He felt like the ground could crumble under his feet at any moment and send him spinning even more out of control than he already was.

He had tried to use his usual go to coping trick of covering everything up with humour, but it wasn’t much working now, so he was left to deal with it.

He hated feelings.

He especially hated negative feelings that weren’t anger. Anger he was comfortable with because it had helped him a lot in the past to do what he was forced to do.

But now all he could think of was what he had found out during the week when the thought popped into his head.

And he knew now was the time. 

He stopped his pacing, tried once again to order his thoughts and let out his breath in a loud sigh of frustration.

“Argh, this is... I think I need to talk about it now...”

Linda calmly sat in her chair watching as he paced back and forth. “Talk about what?”

He went over to the couch and threw himself onto it, not caring if he ended up dirtying it with his shoes right then. Luckily he usually kept his shoes immaculately clean.

“Mum.”

Linda seemed to still at that, and he couldn’t really blame her. For the past few weeks, he would get angry and leave shortly after if the big A word was brought up at all, and usually if his mum was brought up, so was that word.

“Are you sure?”

He sighed. “Yes. I think that I’ve been too busy being hit in the head with memories the past few weeks to ignore it any longer. I just... It’s so hard to believe still. I mean, you must know what that feels like. You didn’t speak to me for days after I showed you I really am the devil.”

She nodded. “Yes, I remember the feeling of having the entirety of existence as I had known it be completely wrong. And I can understand why you’d feel that way about this. It’s usually very hard to see it as it is, instead of what you think it was.”

“I just... I was the favourite. The most beautiful, with the wings to fit the face. Mum just...she doted on me so much. I can’t believe that when things changed for the worst that I didn’t see it for what it was. No one saw it, except Dad. He would have. Now I keep thinking he stayed away because of her. And that just makes me sad.”

“It’s a rather cruel tactic to use, but is known. Get the child in a place where they trust you implicitly and it’s easier to manipulate them to do what you want. It’s a low thing to do. It’s the tactic most used by paedophiles to gain access to kids and swear them to secrecy afterwards. It’s...it’s not a nice thing to do to someone especially someone so young.”

He shifted on the couch, flipping himself sideways so he could curl up a bit. He thumbed off his shoes to be more considerate. “She didn’t do anything sexual to me. It was just...words, things she said, her disappointment when I didn’t do things she liked, wanted or to her specific way of thinking. It was her leaving me alone when I wanted to be comforted after something bad happened, like getting into a fight with Michael... you know, things that seemed so small and insignificant are suddenly these huge red flags.”

Linda nodded. “But for you those red flags were normal. Or they became normal. And your mother had an excuse that she used to make you feel even worse. And by doing so, turned you against your father. Whether he actually did anything wrong, I have no idea, but your mother is extremely intimidating to me.”

He blinked. “Oh yes, you met her once, didn’t you? She spoke highly of you. I dread to think of what would happen if she actually was here. I don’t want you hurt. I can trust you.”

“I’m glad you feel you can trust me. And I will try to keep these sessions as confidential as possible. I started writing my notes about you in code, so if she does try and find out what you’re talking about, she won’t know much of anything.”

He relaxed slightly. “That’s good. I noticed she’s already started again. And I think you were right, that I did know something was very wrong, I just couldn’t put it into words before. I don’t even know the right words now...”

“The words in psychological terms would be emotional manipulation, gaslighting. It also links to your thinking yourself a monster or evil or at least more so than usual now after what happened to Uriel. You have shown signs of body dysphoria. Mainly to what you see as your other side. Your devil side.”

He scowled. “It’s not like I asked for that or anything. It was done to me, just like everything else was done to me. I feel like the universes biggest joke, and it’s all at my expense.”

“Well, I’ll try and help you to get past that, though it may take a while. At least you’ve stopped blaming everything that goes wrong in your life on your dad now.”

He shrugged. “Bit hard to hold onto that when I find out it was the wrong parent I was angry with. I mean, I’m still angry at him for kicking me out but...what if it was the other way around?”

Linda cocked her head to the side. “What was the other way around? Be more specific.”

“You know when I told you she said she got me the deal in Hell with dad to save my life and he wanted to have me destroyed. What if that was her saying the opposite of what really happened? What if dad wanted me to stay but mum wanted me dead and gone. The only way to keep me safe was to chuck me out. Mum in a vindictive mood is... well, it scares me. Like I said, I thought she would want to kill me...”

Linda closed her eyes and shook her head. “Then Hell would be a gift. It was the only way to keep you alive. He spared you from what he would have considered an even bigger betrayal. Killing your own child is one of the most horrific and frowned upon things a human can do to another. I doubt that is much different for angels.”

“Exactly! And now...Now I just, I’m angry with both of them. Before I could just ignore it, just bury everything and try to do what it was I was given to do as a duty. And I hated it. I hated them both for abandoning me to it. And then I find this out and. It changes everything and at the same time it changes absolutely nothing. And I...I don’t know how to feel about that. I can’t just crack a joke and make this one disappear. It doesn’t work. I feel... broken in away. Not right. Defective.”

Linda leaned forward and he was given a reprieve from his angst at the view. At least if he could see her breasts he could think about sex, which was something nice. Even if it wasn’t for very long and they were never going to have another go between the sheets again since morals and law got in the way of that one.

“Lucifer, it’s okay to feel that way. And that’s what I’m here for. I’ll help you find a way to feel like the person you are and not what other people think you ought to be, but you’ve got to learn to not listen to other people’s views on you. They don’t know you. They only think they do. And that’s a shame really, because I like Lucifer for the man, well, the angel, he is.”

He stilled and looked at her. He could see the sincerity and it made him feel warm and good inside. It was like what he thought it should feel like to have... he sat up and shook his head. “Ugh, my brain just went somewhere really uncomfortable.”

She grinned. “Well, that’s something new. Care to share?”

He shifted and grimaced. “I just thought that I would have liked it better if you were my mum.”

She shook her head at that one and smiled. “You’re projecting because I said something nice to you. It happens. I’m not your mother and never will be and you know that. You probably do have a wish that you had someone who was nice always to you for a mother figure. Probably the perfect mother in your eyes. One who absolutely never does anything to hurt her children.”

And he suddenly remembered that time he told Chloe she was a bad mother, because she didn’t pander to Beatrice’s every desire to keep her happy and fulfilled. “Yes. You’re right. I once told off the detective for not getting her daughter a toy she wanted. Beatrice even destroyed the old toy in an effort to get the new one. Chloe refused to get it, and I never understood. I thought that if she was a good mother, she’d do anything to keep Beatrice happy and feeling loved. That she should just give her the toy. I actually bought it for the small human. The Detective absolutely refused to give it to her and sent it back. I was confused and angry and I called her a bad mother. To her face. She told me that she thought my mother must have really mucked up somewhere for me to think that, as that wasn’t the role of a mother.”

“Ouch, no mother wants to hear that, but I am glad she told you what she did. So, did she give you an answer as to what a real mother actually does?”

“Someone who is willing to not give in to their kids demands to teach them valuable life lessons, even if it means making them unhappy, even if for a little bit. She wasn’t hurting her daughter in any way. She was trying to instil the message that breaking things to get new things is bad. I... I didn’t understand. I still don’t. I just thought that things were different here on Earth but... Now I’m not sure.”

“I don’t think they’re much different. Just...you have much more powerful parents.”

He snorted at that one. “Yeah. And here’s me, one of the most powerful of them all, and I got jealous for a little kid unable to get a toy she wanted no matter how hard she tried...”

“Lucifer, were you ever denied anything?”

He scowled. “Yes. A choice in my adult career for one... But, in little things, only after she began to grow cold towards me. I thought... Well, I think I kind of blamed myself for what happened. I already said that at some stage though. I thought maybe thinking of it in past tense would help but, I still do. You were right. I just wish that I had been able to have a good childhood like the detective is giving young Beatrice. Is that wrong?”

Linda shook her head. “No, not wrong. It makes a lot of sense for someone who never got the one thing he wanted past that point of coldness as you describe it. You were denied love and good attention and company from a parent. Those things are essential in the raising of a human child to grow up stable and as normal as it is possible to get, with normal being a subjective term.”

“But I was loved...”

“Yes, you were. But do you feel loved now?”

He thought about that one. He was beginning to see through his mum’s manipulations, but at the same time, he could feel what was once there. His dad had been stuck on radio silent when it came to him since he got kicked out though and that made him feel unloved and unwanted.

“Is it bad that I still feel loved by my mum, but that my dad doesn’t feel that way anymore?”

She shook her head. “No, that’s not wrong to feel. Whether or not it’s actually true or not is another thing entirely.”

He sighed. “Yeah. And I am very confused about it all.”

A slight ding went off in the back of the office, making them both jump. And Linda got up. “Sorry, I was cooking lunch in here today. It was set to finish at the end of the session. Are you feeling okay? Do you think you want to go on or end things here?”

He got up and went to the door. “I think I want to end it today. Just...do we still get to talk about what I want and not only about mum from now on?”

She smiled. “Yes, Lucifer. You control what we talk about from now on. I’m glad and proud that you felt ready to start tackling this issue of yours. It’s one of the big ones.”

He grimaced. “Yeah... Well, enjoy your lunch, Doctor Linda. See you next week.”

“See you next week, Lucifer. Take care of yourself.”

He grinned at her. “I always try that now, doctor.”

With that, she went to her kitchenette and got out her pasta. It was just the way she liked it too.

She was glad Lucifer felt he was ready to actually start dealing with his issues in a more constructive manner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Yeah, I headcanon Mum telling the story backwards when it came to who sent Lucifer to Hell. Because why would Mum do that when she is obsessed with the idea of staying with her kids because they make her whole? I think she'd rather Lucifer had been obliterated than be sent away forever. It also adds in the squick factor of Lucifer's Fall being all about Mum's need to control her children. Her entire arc is based around getting back to Heaven and having all her children with her and taking God out of the picture, because he ruined her happily ever after. This is the biggest domestic dispute ever. And like hell dad is getting the kids.
> 
> Headcanon - While in canon Lucifer is beginning to realise what his mum is doing, I think it is clearer that he sees what she's doing to Amenadiel and Chloe rather than to himself. He's seeing her obsession and jealousy of keeping her sons to herself. He's seeing her manipulations, the same ones she used on him. He knows he has to get rid of her, but doesn't really want to because he still loves her because she's his mum. Yet he's not in a place right now where he can get out of the situation. The best he can do is take a break every now and then.


	17. Drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda talks to Lucifer about his alcohol problem and they talk a bit more about Amenadiel after a fight happens.

Drink

Lucifer looked horrible the next time she saw him. It looked like he had been on a three day bender, followed by getting into a fight. Known him, that’s exactly what happened.

“I thought you were using the piano to deal with your anger now?” she stated, as he sat on the couch across from her.

He touched his cut cheek, and patted the bruising of his eye, which was slightly swollen shut. He coughed in embarrassment. “Got into a fight, but I wasn’t the one who started it. Had nothing to do with my emotions, and I tried not to hit back.” 

This had Linda cocking her head to one side. “Oh? Why not?”

He grimaced at her and shrugged. “Amenadiel hasn’t got as much strength as he used to. One of the pitfalls of him losing his power. He’s still strong, but only in a mortal sense of the word. His body is big though and strong in the mortal sense, so he does still have strength...”

“I thought you could only be hurt when Chloe was around you?”

He shook his head. “Angels can hurt other angels. He’s still an angel. He’s just lost his power.”

Linda frowned. “I don’t really understand what is happening with him right now...”

He grinned, and it looked like it hurt. “Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, love. He’s been grounded for the foreseeable future. As far as the two of us are aware, it is all to keep him not doing my job for me.”

“Your job? As in running Hell?”

He shook his head. “No, as in taking care of mum and getting her back locked up in her cage in Hell. You know, the task dad sent me to perform in exchange for Chloe’s life. And I can’t believe how utterly stupid I was for making that deal. On the other hand, I was bleeding out and probably delirious from that at the time.”

Linda nodded, suddenly understanding a little more. “The other day, you said when you left grounded. I didn’t know what you meant. So, you have been keeping in contact with Amenadiel then?”

He nodded. “As much as possible. Until we are absolutely certain if it is a true punishment and he’s Fallen or just a grounding to keep him here on Earth, but he’s very bitter and angry about it. I’d send him to you, but I don’t think he’d talk to you. I doubt he’d actively seek you out, but if he does, try not to go too hard on him. I doubt he can take it right now without blowing his top.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks for the heads up.”

He nodded and sat back down, fingering his cut cheek and looking lost in thought.

“So, is there anything you’d like to talk about this week?”

He shrugged. “Do you know how much alcohol it takes to get me drunk? And do you know how not worth it the trouble to get in that state is? I think I have drunk half my personal stock in the past week and it feels like nothing.”

She sighed. “I really wish you’d cut back on drinking so much. I know it won’t happen, but I am just a poor human who has seen patients come close to drinking themselves to death over their problems.”

He shrugged again and looked at the glass that was waiting for him on the table. He picked it up and took a sip of water. “It’s a habit. I think I may do it just to do it now. The drugs I can live without, but can’t pass up if freely given. Too tempting. But alcohol is my vice.”

“You’re addicted to alcohol. You may not get drunk, but you feel you need it anyway. If anything goes bad you always head towards the bottle, correct.”

He shifted, before nodding. He was being very quiet this session.

“What happened, beside the fight with Amenadiel? I know something has happened, you look like you’ve been doing nothing but drink for days.”

He blinked at her and ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I couldn’t be bothered cleaning myself up before getting here, regardless of usually doing so if I am in a messed up state, I just...”

“You just...”

He took a deep breath. “I... I got into a fight with mum again. I was listening to her prattling on about how bad dad was about abandoning us kids and what that did to Uriel and I just... I couldn’t help it really, I just started yelling at her that maybe if she had been more attentive, more of a good mother, then maybe dad wouldn’t have left and maybe Uriel wouldn’t have gone insane and tried to kill her and maybe I wouldn’t have had to kill him and I blamed her for it all. Absolutely everything. To her face.”

Linda sat up straighter at that. “Did she hurt you in any way?”

He shook his head. “She just stared at me for a while, said if that’s how I truly felt she’d leave and then she turned around and went back to the family that belongs to the body. As far as I know, she’s been there ever since.”

“Did you use the word abuse at all?”

He frowned, thinking back to the day the fight happened before shaking his head. “No. I just went on and on about how everything was her fault and called her a bad mother.”

“Ouch. Like I said last week, no mother wants to be told they’re bad at being a mother.”

He shrugged. “I just...I really needed to just forget it all and try and find a way to stop thinking. Even without the getting drunk part, I can still get that tipsy feeling that comes before being utterly pissed out of your mind. I want the latter, but can’t get much further than the former. And it never lasts long. But it helps ease some of the pain and sorrow and guilt.”

“Lucifer, you don’t need the alcohol.”

He frowned. “I know I don’t need it. It’s not going to stop me drinking. And what use would AA or another program be? I run a bar.”

Linda closed her eyes, and ran a finger over the bridge of her nose. “Lucifer, I’m not saying give it up. It’s just not going to help you cope. It’s another way to bury your emotions, your feelings so you put off having to deal with them. I don’t think you’d do any good in a rehab program anyway. If anything, you’d have all the other patrons back to drinking within a fortnight.”

“But nothing helps me cope but the piano and I’ve stopped playing for the time being again because there was...a slight accident with my private one in my flat.”

She let out her breath and shook her head. “Dare I ask what happened?”

“Mum is mortal now. Well, no she’s not, but she is currently residing in the body of a mortal. I may not be able to get drunk but she can. She went for my private stash and ended up going at my poor piano with a bat. Did some damage to it. And the Lux piano is for shows. It’s a piano bar. It’s what it’s for. I don’t use that most of the time for personal use, though I do every now and then get too much into the music and get personal during a set.”

“Have you gone back to your regular performances?”

He shook his head. “I was giving it another week for personal reasons, but maybe I should start again tonight. I could use a good time. Want to come and listen to some live music, doctor?”

She grinned at him. “Depends on what time you play and if I am available then.”

“7pm on weekdays for an hour, generally a few sets during the weekends when I open early at 6 and close in the wee hours of the morning, as you well know.”

“Hm, I’ll see if I am available then. Maybe Maze will want to swing by.”

He grinned, sat back and seemed to relax for the first time all session. “That’s good! I’ll get Patrick to tell you what days he works. You can get all cosy with the boyfriend while listening to me make sweet music for you.”

She smiled and shook her head. “Don’t play for me, Lucifer, play for the crowd.”

His grin widened at that. “I always do, dear doctor Linda. Always. Any requests? I favour jazz and blues myself, but will play just about anything, including pop and rock with a bit of soul for funsies.”

She liked that he would put on a song that she chose and play it to a crowd, but her mind blanked. “I don’t know. There’s so many songs I’d like to hear you play I can’t think of just one. So, choose something you think I’ll like and play that.”

He thought for a few seconds, before nodding his head. “I can do that. Tell Patrick what day you’ll be there, and he’ll tell me.”

She smiled. “I will. I hope that getting back into the swing of things with the club makes you feel better.”

He nodded. “So do I. I don’t know if it will, but I don’t feel right not playing my sets. It’s become a part of me and my daily life.”

“It’s good that you think you’re ready to go back to your life here in L.A and not just throw everything away because of what happened. It shows you are strong. It may not ever feel the same again, and you may end up going a bit personal more often, but it will be good to get back to something you consider normal, fun and a part of yourself.”

He frowned slightly, but nodded. “I hope so. I need some strength right about now. And everything is still really hurting from Uriel’s death.”

“It’s only been a few months. Things like grief take a lot of time to go through. Don’t worry about how slow or long it is taking in your head. Your schedule for grieving is the right schedule for you.”

He sat in silence for a few long minutes, before he sighed and got up. “Well, thank you for the time, doctor Linda. See you next week?”

She nodded. “Of course. See you next week, if I don’t see you before then playing at Lux.”

He smiled at her, a small sad smile she saw as more real than any of the grins she had gotten during the session.

“Yes, doctor. See you whenever I next see you.”

He closed the door behind him and Linda smiled and shook her head. Sometimes he was really in need of a push in the right direction, and while she knew he’d never give up the alcohol even though she wished he would, he’d also never give up the piano. And if that ever came to pass, it would indeed be a very sad day for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Amenadiel's grounding is not so much him having Fallen (though it could be) but more God grounding him until Mum is safely dealt with. After all, God knows and sees all, and what better way to stop the son who has started listening to everything she says and wants to go back to Heaven to be with his family, than to make sure he couldn't get back?
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer really gets into the alcohol if he can't play because it is the first go to coping mechanism. The piano is his healthy way of coping, alcohol is his unhealthy one.
> 
> Headcanon - Mum thinks going to her fake family for a bit is punishing her son by having her not be in his life for a bit. It does make him worry a lot about what she's doing when she's not around, but at the same time it gives him a break from her he needs.


	18. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda explains to Lucifer about making family of friends and loved ones outside of blood relatives when he realises he has made himself an actual home in L.A.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what episode aired shortly after this and the last chapter went up? I had to edit the first two short stories to coincide with the story so far to fit where they went in, because I wrote them after certain episodes aired and had the time muddled up with the whole Azrael's dagger thing. 
> 
> But yes, it was around this time that Trip to Stabby Town aired and I immediately wanted the episode simply because of the title alone. I love that that is a quote, let alone the quote that made the title.

Linda had a habit now of waiting for at least five minutes before checking to see if Lucifer is in her waiting room, before she called his phone to see why he was late. Today, she had to call him.

"Lucifer? You're late to your session. Are you alright?"

He sighed loudly in her ear. "I'm fine, doctor. I got caught in traffic. I'll be there shortly. Just, hold onto your metaphorical horses for a few more minutes."

She let out her breath, thankful there was no emergency like he had been in regularly since the trouble with his mother arriving on Earth started.

She was still trying to figure out what could drive an angel of God out of his mind and go directly against His orders, like Uriel had. Or so Lucifer told her.

"Okay, I can wait. I'll see you in a few moments. I'll leave the door open for you."

With that they both hung up and she went to open her office door.

She almost called him again once the ten minute mark had passed, until she saw him jogging up the corridor. He grinned at her and shrugged. "No parking space. Sometimes traffic can be hell."

She laughed at that, because if hell was like the traffic half the time, she'd be driven insane in no time. "Okay, come on in."

He entered her office with a big smile on his face, gently closed the door behind him and then the unimaginable happened.

He leaned against it and begun crying. The loud, wet kind of crying.

He had said he was fine on the phone, she hadn't been expecting a breakdown. Yet he was still on his feet. He kept his back to her because he hated being observed crying and just wept into his arms.

Thankfully it seemed to only be a crying jag, as it was over soon enough. Unfortunately, he had a lot less time in session now to talk about what was bothering him if it was anything new.

Once the tears stopped, he sagged a bit, but it wasn't until he turned around and reached for the ever present tissues that she realised it was relief in his reddened eyes.

She frowned at that. The one emotion he never felt in her presence after crying was relief. Usually he was too tired to do more than be slightly embarrassed. "Are you sure nothing is wrong?" she asked, because she really needed to know.

He looked at her once he was done with fixing up his face from the mess he'd made of it from crying. "Yes, fine. Just... I really needed that."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Really? Usually you try your hardest to not cry."

He grimaced. "Yes, well, you should have added the words in public to that statement, and then it would be true. I told you last session I lost my piano. I lost my outlet. Starting up my set has really made me have to clamp down on my emotions. There's certain songs I can't play without crying nowadays."

She shook her head, slightly confused. "But you just cried without the need of the piano as an outlet for your grief."

He grinned at her, and it was filled with real amusement. "Like I said, been holding it in, and the only places I feel secure enough to cry are my flat, and only then when I play, and in here."

Linda felt a part of her go all mushy inside. She loved when her patients gained true trust in her. It made her feel good to know she was truly helping others. She smiled back. "I'm glad you feel like my office is a safe place for you to come to if you need it."

He nodded. "I am actually really surprised with how much I'd prefer to be here and cry in front of you than alone in the privacy of my own home. But at the same time, it's not really private. People are always coming and going. Heheh, get it."

She shook her head at the sex joke and humoured him. "Yes, I get it. Sex is fun."

"Yes, it is. And, you'll be pleased to know, another Brittany has joined the list of girls with that name. Who knew there were so many Brittany's?"

This time she rolled her eyes. "I am sure you can handle four Brittany's just as easily as you can three. But I really don't want to hear of your sexcapades."

He grinned at her, the wide grin he usually wore in place. It was usually a mask, but somehow she felt this time it was a true smile. He was genuinely amused and pleased with her answer.

"Well, what shall we talk about then, doctor? I am feeling oddly good today and it isn't all to do with shedding some of these pesky emotions."

Now she knew he was in a rare good mood, she didn't want to go into anything deep with him, because this was a rare state for him lately. "Let's talk more of you feeling safe here. Is there anywhere else you have felt that way?"

He cocked his head to the side and gave her a side glance of suspicion. "What, no heavy talk? No hard topics to discuss? Just keep it light hearted and fun?"

She nodded. "Usually I would take this opportunity you are giving me to start any topic, but your mood is not going to last and I don't want to be the one to puncture the small amount of good times you've had for the first time since your brother's death."

He shrugged. "Alright. Umm, I feel kind of safe at my home. I feel good in Lux for the most part. I feel right and good playing for the crowds at my bar. I'm happy when I am off solving crimes and spending time with the detectives. Ella has become a close friend. You know, she dragged me to church once as part of a deal I made with her. She thinks I've lost faith in dad. It made me laugh. I never knew a religious person to be so fun, except for Father Frank. He was the same. I think Ella could accept me as me. I think she's going to try dragging me to church a lot more now that I gave in to her demands once. Minx. She doesn't even care that I ran out on her the first time! But really, she is sharp of mind, and she likes hugging everyone in sight."

"You don't mind the hugging?'

He shrugs. "Two people who I need to get used to it for are Ella and Beatrice, because they both hug as a greeting. Doesn't matter the person, they go straight for the hug. It's very uncomfortable but a part of them I accept."

Linda nods. "This is a good thing. You're definitely opening yourself up to friendships a lot more now. I remember when we first started and you didn't have one friend and was confused over everything. You've come a long way since then, emotionally grown in good ways. First Chloe, then Father Frank, then Dan and now Ella. You're getting more used to it now, yes?"

He nodded. "Yes, yes I am. And Maze has always been there for me and I considered her a friend. Although that really didn't become a true friendship until last year."

"Hmm, do you know what changed to make you want to try and start these friendships?"

He shook his head. "Well, the friendships with Chloe and Father Frank happened naturally. But...I think it was sometime after my mother appeared back in my life that I began seeking out others. Dan and Ella. That and the ever present fighting between me and Dan stopped when he decided to go for broke and asked Chloe for a divorce to save their friendship. Not many people can call a marriage quits like that and stay friends, but those two are actually managing it. They're actually happier just as firends. I wonder why they married?"

She leaned forward and addressed what she found interesting. "You think it has to do with your mother escaping Hell?"

He frowned and nodded. "Yes. I needed time away from her, because of the way she made me feel and... Well, other people were there. I've felt more at home here on Earth than I ever did in Heaven or Hell. This is my home. I needed to make friends."

He blinked after saying that and stared at her with wide eyes. "Oh, wow, I just realised that!"

"That you feel at home here?"

"Yes! It's a weird choice for me, really, but it feels right."

She smiled at him and nodded. "You know, there are two families every human has. Their blood family and the family they make up on their own. You feel more at home with your made family than those of your own blood. It's not uncommon in people who grew up neglected by parents. You made this your home, because you began to make yourself the family you wanted out of friends and tried earlier with lovers."

He shivered a bit and nodded at her. "I can't believe I never thought of that before. Do you think that's why I burnt my wings? I know I left them as an out, and when I decided to go back to Hell that one time because I felt betrayed by Chloe, I began wishing I hadn't burnt them. But that was the first time that thought popped into my head, months after I had done the deed."

Linda hummed and sat back in her chair, playing with his file in her hands. "I don't know how to answer that. I think it may have been you choosing to stay here, but you didn't know the reason. You were happy with the decision?"

He grinned. "Yes. I was very happy. I never looked back until I felt betrayed again, as I said."

"It's our choices who make us the people we are. You chose to stay here instead of going back. You chose to live on Earth with us humans for as long as you can, because you like it here. It's probably the first time you ever truly found yourself fitting in somewhere, even if you are considered weird by human standards."

He slowly blinked at her again and this time she saw his eyes filling up with tears. He buried his head. "Oh damn it, why is this making me feel so over emotional?"

"It's the first time you have truly thought of it. Sometimes it can seem a betrayal to your blood family. It's not, they will always be your family. It's just now you have another one."

He took a few deep breaths, waited until he was in control of himself once again and scrubbed at his face. "Well, I am off. I didn't notice the time. It's halfway through your lunch break. Sorry for keeping you late, doctor. I have to go now."

She nodded. "Goodbye and drive safe."

He nodded as he fled out the door.

She wondered where exactly he would go right now to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Ella tries a lot more than once to drag Lucifer to church. In this story it becomes a regular occurence later on, as a way to desensitise him (Ella's church is a modern building and not like the old churches so helps a bit with the panic and paranoia that now comes with him being in a church with someone he likes.) Linda approves and Lucifer leaves if he gets too uncomfortable. He really doesn't like the fact that it seems to feed the whole "Devil can't enter holy ground" myth.
> 
> Headcanon - I wish Linda hadn't told him she thinks Chloe is his home, because I completely disagree. He shouted at his mum that he was home, that he considered not only Lux but _Earth_ as home. That was a heat of the moment, coming clean, realising something for the first time as being true moment. Earth is his home, not Chloe. I don't think it so much one person or place, but the planet itself. Chloe has been there for him a lot, but she isn't the only thing he cares about any longer. He's learnt to make friends and keep them as friends. He's learning to accept blame when he is at fault. He's becoming more emotionally aware through Linda and their sessions together. He's learnt to genuinely enjoy himself and people. And he was beginning this journey of finding himself a home _before Chloe even entered his life_. I was seriously annoyed with Linda at the end of Homewrecker. She's usually so good at not putting words into Lucifer's mouth, and that time she did. All for pointless angst. Why not let him be happy with his self discovery over finding himself a home and let him enjoy his date? Which was probably going to be a first for him?


	19. Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer tells Linda a bit about his wings and those of other angels. He misses flying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do plan on giving Lucifer his wings back in this story, but it hasn't happened where I've written up to so far. They're going to be bigger than his original ones, but not by much. For reasons.

Lucifer sat himself down on the couch and stared at Linda, sitting at her desk today. Usually she sat at her desk when trying to keep her distance from him.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked as he had no idea what it meant today.

She lifted her head. “Oh! Sorry, I got lost in files. Paperwork seems to never end.”

He nodded and leaned back, his arms spreading over the back of the couch, one leg resting comfortably over the other as he waited. He had forgotten to knock again. He had gotten better with that though. “So, you’re not hiding from me, then.”

She blinked up at him and frowned. “Hiding? What are you talking about?”

“You only ever sit behind your desk to keep your distance from me.”

She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I am sorry I made you feel that way.”

He hummed his agreement, before leaning forward. “So! Do I have to wait during my appointment time, or are you going to ignore me for someone else all session?”

She sighed. “It’s actually your file. I’m still trying to go through it all and change it to better suit the information I now have about the real you and not out of some delusion. It’s taking longer than I thought.”

He sat back again and got comfortable. “Ah! Then I can wait.”

She set his file aside for the time being and walked to her normal seat. “No, you’re right, it is rude of me. So! What do you want to discuss this week?”

He frowned. “Well, I’m not feeling anything really different or even bad right now, so why not ask one of your psychological questions.”

She sat back and crossed her legs, frowning, but he could see she was looking inside as if searching for a question she really wanted the answer to.

When it looked like she had the right one, she reluctantly lifted her head and looked at him. “Can you tell me about wings and what it’s like to fly?”

He had given her a wide open invitation yet again to ask anything and she asks about wings? “Alright, well, what do you want to know about wings?”

She leaned forward. “What did yours look like?”

And he cringed back into the comforting embrace of the couch. “Big, white, feathery. Glowed with light when I wanted them to.”

Her eyebrows raised. “Do all angels have white wings? And I take it no bat wings then.”

He rolled his eyes. “I could make them look like bat wings if I wanted to, but no, my real wings were just as feathery as any pair you’d find on a bird, except penguins, because penguins are weird. Mine were the only true white ones though. A lot of off white and bone made it in there, but most angels have wings somewhere in all shades of grey. Dark to light. Amenadiel had dark grey wings. He liked to say they were black, but he’s lying through his teeth.”

“And he was a soldier, right?”

He shrugged. “Yes, sent to do God’s dirty work for him. Any time an unnamed angel turns up in the bible, that’s Amenadiel. Well, that or totally made up. You people and that book. It’s like you take stories based off of real events seriously. It’s kind of funny really. You do the same with movies based on true events. Never believe everything you read, doctor.”

She blinked at him. “Okay, I wasn’t expecting that. I mean the grey wings thing. Well, for the most part. How white exactly were yours?”

He grinned. “Pure white. They were as white as white can be. It also hurt like hell when Maze hacked them off. She had to use her hell forged blades, as normal weapons don’t work on me. Well, not unless the detective is around, that is. And then I can die from the silliest things. I almost got strangled to death by a woman once with a fire poker. That was embarrassing...”

“Okay, so yours were the only ones like that?”

He grinned. “Yep. The human perception of angel wings and I am the only one who had wings anything like them. Well, except for those who go gold. That’s Michael all over. Show off.”

She grinned at him for that one. He did tend to be a bit of a narcissist at times, and she knows that. Especially when it came to his looks.

“What colour were Uriel’s wings?”

And the smile slipped from his face, as he looked to the floor. “An off white. Bone, really. With flecks of brown. He was made smaller than the rest of us. He kept following us around, and he was picked on something chronic because of it. Talk about dysfunctional family dynamics. Don’t think there’s a single one of us who got clear of the mess that is our life. But I got used as the scapegoat. Amenadiel as the big brother tended to try and make things better with ever varying degrees of failure. Like his trying to get me back to hell to right the balance of the universe. I hope he goes back to banging Maze.”

“Would you like that?”

He snorted and shook his head. “Why would I be against it? It’s clear some of his mopey attitude is because he wants her. She was his first, you know? A good angel until she came along and licked his face and got him confused and horny. Hah! Maze, tempting the angels themselves. I am so proud of her for that!”

Linda shook her head. “I bet you were... Okay, so you all have different wing sizes and colours. What’s it like to fly?”

He frowned. “I don’t know if I can explain it very well. It’s a natural thing for me and not for you. The closest you’d get is if I carried you somewhere while flying myself. And I can’t exactly fly without my wings. But I do miss it. It’s peaceful here on Earth to fly. Mind you, Maze is heavier than she looks for my poor wings when I got us out of Hell and landed on the beach.”

“Weren’t made for extra weight? They must have been huge to keep your body in flight.”

He smiled, but he wasn’t exactly in a good mood now. He was beginning to miss his wings now. “Yes, they were rather big. Bigger than anyone else’s which I already mentioned. I was blessed with good looks, great wings and phenomenal stamina.”

Linda nodded. “Hmm, you’ve gone back to making sexual jokes. Do you want to stop talking about this now?”

“Yes please. It’s making me miss them. Now I just want to fly. Usually I don’t feel like this.”

“Usually means you think it sometimes.”

He grimaced. “Well, whenever I have to be flown somewhere on someone else’s wing power, it’s kind of embarrassing.”

She hummed her assent to that, before she stood up. “Okay. I think that’s enough of today. I’ll let you go and get back to your file. Oh! Before you go, have you replaced your piano yet?”

He grinned. “Ordered one a few days ago. It will be moved in sometime within the next three days. It’ll be good to have a piano back in the flat.”

She looked relieved to hear that. “That’s good. You’ll go back to playing when it arrives, right?’

He nodded at her, before getting up from the couch. “Yes, you don’t have to worry about that. I’ll get back to coping in those healthy ways you keep mentioning to me.”

She laughed. “That’s good. See you next week, Lucifer.”

He smiled and walked to the door. “Of course, doctor. Until next week then. Bye!”

He left with thoughts of wind cutting through white feathers flitting though his mind, unable to shake the thought or feelings they brought with them. 

He really wanted to fly again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Angel wings come in all colours, but the majority were in varying shades of white, black and grey. We've seen three sets. Two in the white and one in the grey. I never saw Amenadiel's wings as black, but dark grey. That's just me though, a lot of people see black. Uriel's were bone white with brown flecks (he had such pretty wings!) And Lucifer's were pure white and the only pair to be so.
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer doesn't regret cutting off his wings, but he misses flying regardless, because it is a part of who he is.


	20. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linda and Lucifer discuss whether or not the abuse his mother is putting him and Amenadiel through is escalating. Both of them start to freak out over it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussed here is Lucifer's fears over his mum's over sexualised behaviour and her habit of talking so frankly with him over the subject. She's not going to go any further than what it is in the show so far. Which already majorly squicks him out.

Linda stared at the form of Lucifer on her couch and frowned at him. He was lying down with his eyes closed. He hadn’t uttered a single word within the last 5 minutes. 

Sometimes she didn’t understand why he even bothered showing up to sessions, if he wasn’t going to say or do anything in them. This was a major step back for him, since he hadn’t acted this way with her since she found out who he really was.

“Lucifer?” she called out, and was oddly impressed that he didn’t move. 

It took her longer than it should have to realise he had fallen asleep.

Shaking her head, she got up out of her seat, walked over to him and shook him by his shoulder. He startled awake within a few seconds, blinking up at her.

“I fell asleep. Ooops.”

“Losing sleep?” she asked, sitting on a part of the couch not taken up by his long legs.

He sat up, leaning heavily against the couch back. He rubbed at his eyes. “Yes. I don’t need that much sleep. How you people need 8 hours every day just to get enough sleep to function properly is beyond me. Until I get like this and want to spend the entire day sleeping. Stupid inability to sleep well...”

“Insomnia’s a pretty common problem. And a lot of things can trigger it. Has anything changed in your life since this started?’

He shrugged a shoulder half heartedly at her. “Not really. The only thing I can think of is I’ve missed flying. But I do sometimes and don’t normally get like this over it.”

She patted his knee and got up to move back to her chair. “Is there anything different between the other times and now?”

He frowned and his eyes got the look he gets when he is actually trying to figure things out. “Well, mum’s back in my life. I killed Uriel. Amenadiel has lost his ability to fly. Mum keeps on going on about taking us all home. Home, being Heaven. How she expects any of us to get back there is beyond me. There isn’t a working pair of wings between the three of us. Maybe I could have taken Uriel’s but that just didn’t feel right.”

She thought over what he had just said for a few minutes, trying to absorb what it all meant and give advice that fit. “I think part of the problem is definitely stress related.”

He grinned at her. “Things are uncomfortably tense right now between me and my family, so yes, I would definitely say stress has something to do with it.”

She shook her head. “You need time away from your mother. Is she still trying to order you around, as opposed to asking?”

He blinked at her. “I never mentioned anything like that to you before. But, yes, she is. She should know it won’t work. I tend to run in the opposite direction. She wants me to go back to Heaven, because it’s her home. I don’t think it that way. It’s my version of Hell. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who hate me for no reason. And that is what my mum wants for me. I don’t understand. I just wish I could get away.”

She nodded. “And away would mean somewhere else entirely other than Earth. Which you can’t get to because you don’t have your wings.”

He blinked. “Huh. Yes. Which is odd, because I feel at home here and I don’t want to leave. Which is probably why I didn’t notice that myself...”

“It’s hard to want to run away from the place you feel is your actual home, as opposed to just the place you happen to live.”

He closed his eyes. “So, how do I stop wanting that?”

She shook her head. “It’s probably not going to stop until your mother learns how she is treating you is wrong for you. She doesn’t seem to realise she’s pushing you away. She’s too busy trying to get as close as she can to manipulate.”

He rubbed his arms and she could see form her position on the other side of the table to the shiver going through his body. “Ugh. Do you think...” His voice trailed off and he stopped talking, looking to the ground.

Linda leaned forwards in her seat. “Do I think what?”

He looked up and his eyes held that kicked puppy look he had when he was genuinely sad or confused about something. “Do you think she knows what she’s doing?”

“Do you mean the manipulation, or the driving you away?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. Both, either. Do you?”

She leaned back in her chair and honestly gave that one some thought, because she had never met his mother longer than five minutes and didn’t know her enough to actually know. “I don’t know. I know her only through our sessions and seeing her the once. But, if I was to place bets, I’d say she is purposefully manipulating you, and knows about that. But, I don’t think she has a single clue she’s pushing you away by doing so.”

He sighed and slumped in his seat. “Well, that’s no help to me. I don’t understand why she’d do this to me. Or anyone for that matter. She’s already manipulated Amenadiel so completely he doesn’t want anything other than doing her bidding, but...”

“But you haven’t fallen for her tricks this time and she’s getting a bit more blatant in her efforts. Maybe picking fights or purposefully riling you up to get you to act out.”

His head shot up and his eyes zeroed in on hers. “Yes! That’s what she’s doing. It’s maddening. It feels horrible and I really don’t need that on top of everything else. I think she thinks if she makes me mad enough I’ll agree with her and follow her blindly back to Heaven. And that is not going to happen.”

Sighing, Linda shook her head. “She may get violent. If that happens and she can hurt you badly, I want you to call me. After you get out of the situation, just phone me. The police precinct, Chloe and Maze’s place. In your car even. Just... call me. Because you’ll need to talk about it, or you’ll clam up and act out even worse and that’s what she wants. Don’t let her win.”

He had begun glaring at her as she was giving him an order, until she had finished what she was saying and his eyes widened. “You honestly think she’d turn to physical violence against me to get me to know my place? She’s been very careful to not touch me in any way considered abusive. Though...oh, I feel sick...”

There was something there that was interesting and probably traumatic to him. “What thought did you just have?”

He swallowed heavily and looked to the floor. “My stupid libido picks up on the body she’s in sometimes. I forget she’s my mother in there. Things would be so much easier if she tended to not talk about sex every five minutes and wear such...form fitting clothes. What if she ...”

Linda’s mouth dropped open in shock. “You think she knows that and may use it against you? Have you done anything to encourage that?”

He shuddered. “No! For a while she had nothing but Maze’s clothes and she stripped naked in the middle of a street. I do everything I can to not think of her that way. And I am pretty sure she picked up on that.”

“Is it possible she chose to stay in that body because of what it looks like and she knows you favour women who look like her?”

He went pale very suddenly and she wondered if she would need to get out the trash can.

“Oh... I hope not. That’s a horrific thought. She’s still my mother and that is not going to happen. Ever, regardless of the package she comes wrapped in.”

She nodded. “Well, at least I know it’s not your mother you are attracted to. Has she ever tried before?”

He cocked his head to the side. “Tried what?”

“To get you to be sexual in any way with her?”

He frowned. “Well, she keeps wearing clothing she knows I’d like to see. And she once got up on one of the tables in Lux and started dancing and told me she felt it sexually pleasing to do so when people touched her and I dragged her off the table and carried her up the stairs to the landing. I...I couldn’t stand to see her like that. She’s giving my club girls ideas of not being as safe. You know how much I look after my employees.”

“Yes, you make sure they’re safe, and she makes things unsafe by going too far. She’s disrupting your life. Forget physical or sexual advances, worry for your property. She may go after the things you love. Lux, your apartment, your clothes and belongings. Your car.”

He blinked. “You think she wants to destroy the things that she believes anchor me here would make me leave?!”

Linda shrugged. “It’s possible.”

He rubbed at his jaw and head, making his hair curl like it would normally without the gel in it. “Do you think that would include people?”

And Linda was suddenly scared. “Oh, God. It very well could. She’d try to manipulate you into either hating us or go after us herself. Me, Chloe, Maze, Trixie, Dan and Ella. We’re all targets for her.”

He jumped to his feet. “I have to go! I need to go away. If I am not here she won’t try anything!”

Linda shook her head. “Stop, that’s not how this works. She’d likely hurt us to get you to come back. We’re actually safer with you here.”

She could see the panic she had started shining in his dark eyes. “I can’t keep any of you safe! I’m not good here, because you’re in danger and if I leave, you’re in danger. I can’t win!”

She closed her eyes. “I’m scared too, Lucifer. But you have to keep calm and think right. You have a good mind when you use it, so do so. Don’t act differently. This is just a hypothetical. You never confirmed whether she’s started or not. If you even know. But we need to know if it does begin to escalate to that level.”

He closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths and nodded. “Okay. Still, I should go. I’ll call you if anything happens.”

She nodded. “That’s fine. Be careful and be as calm as possible.”

He nodded to her, went to the door and exited the room.

Linda wondered if it was professional to have a panic attack before her next patient was to be called in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Mum has no idea how much she squicks Lucifer when she talks so frankly about sex in front of him, because she sees him as the same as her in that department. She doesn't understand how cringe worthy it is. Nor does she understand she's basically assaulting him with unwanted sexual talk. On the other hand, I think it is one of the reasons he's stopped coming on to every person he comes into contact with he finds attractive. Because he now understands it's actually a creepy thing to do.
> 
> I wrote this before I watched Homewrecker. Mum going after Lux and Chloe was something I have been thinking of for episodes beforehand. Since she began talk of getting them back home. In this story it started with his piano, which he was using to help him keep emotionally grounded. Sometimes my headcanons pretty much become canon and I love that dearly. Pretty fun fact, I don't watch the promos, so I have no idea what is coming in the next episodes. I like to be surprised.


	21. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer and Linda discuss what Gods' Plan for Lucifer being there and the events that have led up to where he is now in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, has anyone else thought this was what endgame of this season is going to be? It makes sense. It's the only thing that makes sense so far to me.

Lucifer didn’t feel right. The week had been a slow one. No cases for him and Chloe to work on meant he wasn’t called in by her, and his one stop over the apartment the two main women in his life lived in was filled with awkward silences as none of them knew what to speak of.

Without a case, he and Chloe didn’t have much to talk about, and since he and Maze couldn’t discuss the situation with his mother in front of the detective, that was off limits as a topic. He had left after only a half hour there, not being able to take the silence.

The only person he felt he could talk to any more was Doctor Linda. 

By the time he made it to his next appointment, his nerves were frayed to the point where he felt like he was going to collapse into a screaming pile of nothing on the floor, but he had somehow made it through the week without anything bad happening.

Now, he was wondering how to turn it off and just relax.

“Lucifer? Are you alright?” Linda asked him when he first walked into her room that day and took a seat on the couch.

He grimaced. “No. I am under so much stress I feel like I am about to shatter.”

“Metaphorically or literally?”

He rubbed his face with his hands. “I don’t know. I just feel like something in me is close to breaking, and if it breaks I won’t be able to function.”

“Sounds like you’re close to having a breakdown or a meltdown. It might help if you see me more regularly than once a week until it passes.”

He nodded, thinking that a good idea. He really needed to work on these issues he was having with his emotions, but he had no idea what to say or how to even explain it.

“I don’t know what’s wrong, but I know something is.”

Linda moved to sit next to him, as she did lately when he was distressed. “You’re stressed and can’t relax. Did you get any time away from your mother, like I suggested?”

He nodded. “She has taken up the body’s old job. A lawyer. I’m afraid she knows the law inside out now and will know every available loophole through it and use it against me. She’s been avoiding Charlotte’s husband, unless it’s about sex. And even then, she’s promiscuous enough to sleep with her clients and work buddies for fun. She keeps on going into detail about it when she comes to visit.”

“Maybe you should tell her you don’t want to hear about her sex life?”

He shook his head. “She won’t listen. She sees it as the one thing we have in common. I inherited her libido and charm. She knows that. She thinks it’s a way to get closer to me to talk about things we both enjoy. She doesn’t understand that I don’t want my mother in that part of my life, even though I have told her before, repeatedly, that I didn’t want her interfering in my life, especially that part!”

“Does it feel like she is trying to take sex away from you?”

He paused and thought of that one for a few minutes, before slowly shaking her head. “Not really? But she doesn’t much care what she interrupts when she comes into my home uninvited. I keep telling her to call before she comes over, but she never does.”

“So she is definitely interfering with your life then. She’s not doing things that could be seen as taking things away but they have become less attainable because her involvement might pop up suddenly without warning.”

He swallowed at that, because he had honestly never seen it that way before. Was she purposefully putting herself in his way to stop him doing things he enjoys in an effort to get him to stop and become bored in an effort to get him home?

“Do you think this is one of those things you mentioned last week? About taking things away from me? Except she’s being really sneaky about it and I never realised?”

Linda frowned and titled her hand in the universal sign of ‘I don’t know, maybe?’ “It’s hard to say. She may be that clueless, since she gets humans even less than you did when you first started coming to see me. She had to learn everything from scratch.”

He grinned. “Yes, I set that as her punishment. She gets no help; she has to do her time on her own.”

“But she isn’t alone. She still has Amenadiel on her side, unless that has changed, and she still has you.”

He blinked. “How has she got me? I disagree with her plan to all go back to Heaven and go back to pretending to play happy family.”

“You cater to her. There’s a big part of you that doesn’t want her to leave, because you miss her. You probably will always feel that way. It would be best if she went back to Hell or even Heaven if she figures out a way, without you.”

He shook his head. “There’s no way that’s happening. She absolutely refuses to leave either one of us behind. She sees it as our right to go back and start a war with dad. Or at least, that’s what it sounds like her plan is. I think she wants to go back to overthrow dad from his high and mighty throne.”

Linda’s jaw dropped open at that. “You think she wants to take over as God herself?”

He cocked his head to the side and frowned, thinking hard at that. “I don’t think she wants that job, to be honest. She hates humanity. She wants to be with her family, but she only sees angels as her children. Humans are a waste of time, space, energy and not worthy of her in any way, shape or form. If she does get what she wants, goodbye world.”

“She’ll start the end of the world?”

He nodded. “Apocalypse now.”

Linda put a hand to her mouth. “Oh, what happens if God loses?”

He shrugs. “Bye.”

She stare at him, and he had a sudden flash to the day he had shown his nastier sided face to her, and shuddered, because she was looking horrified again. “But...is there any way of stopping her?”

He stared at her. “Well, if you feel like you can get through to her, be my guest. But if not, I wouldn’t even bother trying. It all rather depends right now on if dad is going to forgive her or not. Uriel died over this. It drove him mad enough to steal Azrael’s dagger for Heaven’s sake. I mean, what else is it going to do?’

She shook her head. “She won’t see her behaviour as wrong. No parent who acts like this towards their children ever sees it as wrong. They see their actions as justified. She honestly doesn’t think she’s doing anything bad. Even if it means destroying everything her child loves, she’ll go about it, because in her head the means justifies the end result.”

And now he could feel his face getting the same worried look on it that he wore whenever he could sense Chloe was in danger, except this time it wasn’t for the detective, or not just for her. It was for everyone. “I don’t want her to do this. Believe me, doctor, I really don’t want this! Why can’t she just let me live my life?!”

“Because she sees your life as hers to do with as she pleases, because you are hers.”

“So, I’m nothing but a piece of property to her? Why can’t she just see reason?”

“Because if she does see reason, she’ll realise that she is very wrong. And if she sees herself as wrong, that mean she has to shoulder the blame. And it’s very rare that an abusive person ever truly faces up to their abuse. It’s the way they live, the way they justify themselves and keep themselves free of feeling guilt.”

He glared. “She’s doing all this to stop herself feeling guilty? Oh, if she succeeds, I will never, ever stop reminding her that this is all her fault. And I will never, ever forgive her. Oh shit!”

She stared at him. “You just thought of something.”

He hung his head, grabbed onto his hair and pulled, hoping that it would hurt, but the detective wasn’t nearby and it did no damage. “Shit!”

“What is it, talk to me, Lucifer.”

The bloody Plan.”

Linda was silent for a few seconds, and he lifted his head to look at her. The horror was replaced momentarily by confusion. “What plan?”

“God’s plan. You know, for everything.”

“Ah, that plan. What of it.”

He sprang to his feet and began pacing, furious that he hadn’t thought of this before. “He hasn’t punished me for killing Uriel. He hasn’t punished me for saying Earth is my home. I haven’t been punished, yet Amenadiel has been stripped of his wings and power for doing less.”

She stared blankly at him. “Okay. I don’t see how this is helping me understand.”

“Surely you heard God is Omnipotent.”

“He knows and sees everything, yes I have heard.”

“Yeah, well, if he knows everything...what if he purposefully sent Uriel down here after his little sanity slippage. The one who saw the pattern. The one who knew what would happen. I had to do the one unpredictable thing to stop him and did. I used our sister’s blade to kill him, a blade that can hurt and kill celestial beings.”

And her eyes sparked with that he was getting at, finally. “Oh...oh no.”

“Do you think that’s what he intends? For me to stop her as per his request so that she can’t get back and do any damage to Heaven or Hell for that matter. And definitely not Earth.”

She shook her head. “I have no idea, but it is possible. You know him better than I do. He’s your father. And...well, who am I to say what God is likely to be thinking. I haven’t even met him.”

“Yeah, well, you won’t until you die. Better hold off on that conversation, before letting him have it.”

She grinned at him. “Yes, that seems like a very good plan.”

And it lightened the mood, but not enough to stop the undercurrent of how serious this session had become, of the bombshell that had fallen on both their heads. “I think I’m going to go now. I need to lie down and panic.” He stated, moving towards the door, unable to contain the tiny shivers that seemed to want to become full on quaking.

“Yes, I think I will join you in that...as soon as I get through the day.”

He waved goodbye and left the room and his doctor behind. 

He definitely hoped he didn’t have to kill again, because it near broke him completely the first time and that was for a brother he hadn’t even liked that much.

And Linda was right, he did love his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - This entire chapter is a headcanon.


	22. Not Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a fight with his mother, Lucifer drags Amenadiel into a therapy session to have the truth told to him. They end up fighting about it instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think Amenadiel has truly thought about what things would have been like for Lucifer in the mess that was the end of the first season. So, yeah. They have at it here and Lucifer lets him know exactly what he thinks.

She had gotten the call half way through the week that Lucifer would be dragging his brother along to his next therapy session and Linda was entirely too aware that this was either going to end well or absolutely horribly.

Last time these two were in her room together, they barely did anything other than bicker, but it was in a good therapeutic way that got them to work and mesh better together in a very short amount of time. Half of that was probably due to her cursing at them both.

But that was the time Lucifer knew for a fact she saw his defences as what they were, when she told him outright how he hid behind humour. Right down to knowing the exact joke in the situation he was going to use.

But she had been so mad at Amenadiel for lying to her about being a therapist.

Still, since then she had forgiven and gone back to her friendship with him, or at least she thought she had. For the past month she hadn’t seen him once. So she made sure that she was mentally prepared for the bickering session she was sure was going to happen as she opened the door and beckoned both angels inside.

Angels. Plural. Her life had gotten very complicated, very fast.

She could instantly see why Lucifer wanted to drag Amenadiel in with him. Seriously, it looked like the older brother had some serious issues of his own to go through. It looked like he was coming out of a week long bender.

“Wow, what happened to you?” she asked, as the brothers sat on the couch.

“Yes! What did happen? It looks like you robbed a liquor store and drank everything in it.” Lucifer asked, staring unapologetically at the tall black angel of a man beside him.

Amenadiel shrugged. “I don’t have Luci’s immunity to alcohol and I drank too much. I promised I would never drink enough to get a hangover ever again...”

“I’m guessing that failed, then.” Lucifer’s voice held amusement and worry in equal amounts.

Amenadiel scowled at him. “I went to a party.”

Linda leant forwards. “Alright, you two. What is it you wanted to discuss with me that you felt the need to come as well, Amenadiel?”

Both angels shifted in their seats and looked at each other, a significant look.

“Mother has gone missing.” The older brother stated, making Lucifer scowl.

“She’s not missing, she’s in hiding.”

Linda closed her eyes. “When did this happen?”

Lucifer shifted again, clearly uncomfortable with the topic, but knowing it needed to be said, as it seemed to be the topic set for today’s session. “Last Friday. I got angry!”

Sighing, Linda took off her glasses, so she could rub at her eyes in disappointment. “You confronted her?”

He grimaced. “I didn’t mean to, and I didn’t mention you in any of it, just that I remembered how badly she treated me as a kid and how I don’t particularly care to be treated that way again. She did a runner after that.”

She turned to Amenadiel. “And you?”

“I needed confirmation that it was true. I figured the best place was to hear it from him. He invited me here to learn the truth. He says that mother did bad things to him when he was still in Heaven while Dad was away making humans.”

Linda sighed. “So, you were fairly invited in by the person who wanted you to know. Is this true, Lucifer?’

He nodded. “Yes, it’s true. I invited him along to see what we’ve been talking about after he heard the row I had with mum.”

Amenadiel shook his head. “I don’t understand how she could hide that from the rest of us or father. She was distant and we all felt both our parents’ loss, but what Luci says takes it further than that for him.”

Linda nodded. “Okay, so you have Lucifer’s permission to be told about what he talks about when it comes to his mother. There are rules I would like you to follow before I say anything. Number one being do NOT confront her and two, do not bring my name into this. It will end badly for everyone.”

Amenadiel sat up straighter at hearing that, blinking at her in surprise. He shrunk back down in his seat. “It’s true?”

“Do I have your promise? If you cannot swear to my confidentiality clause I refuse to answer any of your questions.”

He nodded. “I swear to not tell a single soul anything about what is said in this room when I am in here. I understand how much the confidentiality law means to you.”

She relaxed at hearing that, as she knew he would do anything to patch up what he felt he broke when he had played pretend with her to begin with. He was still atoning.

“Yes, it’s true. Lucifer has been working on his issues with his mother since she came to Earth. We’ve talked about the things she said and did. The things not said or done and his fears of the abuse escalating into physical or even sexual ways.”

Lucifer grimaced at that, but he had given his permission. “I really hope that last one is just my imagination...I really do. Amenadiel, I am not kidding. When have I ever lied?”

Amenadiel nodded his head shortly the once, before stretching his legs out in front of him and taking the beanie he was wearing off to rub at his head in a nervous gesture. “I am just finding it hard to believe, brother.”

Linda nodded. “And that’s normal. Usually, if it isn’t done to all children and only one is targeted, the parent or parents tend to find tricks to keep it hidden from the others. In Lucifer’s case, we suspect your mother is the one who originally began spreading lies about him, turning the others against him.”

Amenadiel shot to his feet at that one, and began pacing. “Are you telling me that the whole rumour mill was started by her? We all heard different things and began to piece them all together as one cohesive truth. Lucifer was rebelling and turning against father. He wanted to rule Heaven and dispose of the humans, whom he hated. That he was creating an army to help him take down father. That he had gone bad, mad, depraved.”

Lucifer was getting more and more agitated the longer Amenadiel went on. She held up a hand to stop the ever growing list of things that were said against her client. “Amenadiel. You’ve been here for a while now, and gotten to know your brother again. Does any of that sound like the truth?”

He folded his arms and shook his head. “I don’t know. He purposefully stopped my every attempt to get him to go home. Fuelling his need to rebel against all things father has set out.”

Linda raised an eyebrow. “Is that truth, or what you think was happening?”

Amenadiel stopped his pacing and stared at her. “What do you mean?’

“I mean it wasn’t until you started bothering him with never ending requests to go back to Hell that he started therapy because you got him so conflicted emotionally. You sent out a personal hit man to kill him to send him back. You went to absolute great lengths to learn as little about your brother’s life here on Earth as possible. And then you came to me and fed me information to personally hurt him.”

Amenadiel straightened to his full height and glared at her. “I was given a job to do! I obeyed.”

“By any means necessary?”

“Yes! It’s what we do.”

She knew he meant it’s an angel’s job to do God’s bidding. And that he had been told to get Lucifer back to Hell.

“Okay, and what, when you did succeed with getting your brother killed and sending him back to Hell, happened?”

Amenadiel slumped back into the seat as the realisation washed through him and he blinked. “Father sent him back, after he made a deal...”

“Yes, a deal to be the son he always wanted in exchange for Chloe’s life being spared. What part of that makes you think that your father wanted him in Hell to spend the rest of eternity? If he wanted that, Lucifer never would have returned back to Earth to carry on as he is.”

Lucifer barked out a sharp “Hah!”

Linda turned to him, to see the look in Lucifer’s eyes. That conflicted look of not knowing what his father wanted was shining there in blazing red for both her and his brother to see.

“I said it before and I will say it again! No one knows what the hell dear old dad wants. He never explains anything to anyone!”

Linda frowned. “He used to though, didn’t he? You admitted that he would answer your questions sometimes.”

“Until he threw me out for asking one too many, sure! And now look at me? Stuck going nowhere, because I can’t figure out what he wants with me. Why won’t he just tell me?!”

“Luci...”

Lucifer sprang to his feet. “No, brother! You don’t get a say in this. As doctor Linda just pointed out, you had me executed because your hatred of me blinded you to the truth. No wonder you Fell, brother. How far you have gone, how far you have sunk? I at least feel guilty over killing Uriel! You cannot say the same for having me killed.”

It was as if someone had cut the strings on Amenadiel. He buried his head and shook. “I didn’t want that, Lucifer.”

Lucifer towered over his brother and glared. “Yes, you did. It was exactly what you wanted. But it wasn’t what father wanted. You almost had an 8 year old child killed because of your obsession with hating me. Malcolm abused his wife and child. He stole, he murdered, he did it all in my name, and you thought the ends justified the means. Well, sucks to be you. You deserve to have lost your power. Maybe it will give you a slice of life without the ability to disrupt the nature of things. Oh wait, wasn’t that my crime?”

Linda winced. “Lucifer.”

“No! No, I won’t listen to you. He hurt me as much as she did. He manipulated me, he tried to kill me. He wanted me dead.”

“I did not want you dead, I wanted you to go back to Hell.”

“WELL IT AMOUNTS TO THE SAME THING HERE, BROTHER!”

And after that was screamed as loud as he possibly could raise his voice, and the entire building had heard, Lucifer punched Amenadiel hard enough she could hear his cheek crack from her seat.

“I killed the wrong brother! You’re the one who deserved Uriel’s fate. His only crime was going stark raving mad. You, my dear brother... You just wanted to hurt me to hurt me.”

And with that said, Lucifer turned tail and stalked out the room, slamming the door behind him as he went.

The office fell into a heavy, oppressive silence. The only sound being the traffic outside her window.

“Do you think what he just said is true?” Amenadiel asked her.

She shook her head. “I don’t know if it is absolute truth but it is what he believes. You hurt him. You hurt him in ways only his mother has hurt him. He can’t take that out on her, but he can with you, and he will now he knows it. He’s going to be very bitter and angry.”

He sighed. “I never... I didn’t know what it would do. What would happen.”

“No one does, until it is said and done. But look at it from his point of view. For the first time possibly in his life he was truly, genuinely happy with his life. And as a reward, you came and tried to have him killed. Succeeded in having him killed even. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?”

Amenadiel looked to the floor and shook his head. “I’d never forgive. Nor forget.”

“I suggest you stay out of his way for a while until he calms down a bit. He’s irrationally angry right now and he tends to do some pretty stupid things when he’s irrational.”

Amenadiel nodded and a small smile, marred by his broken cheek bone nodded. “Yes, that much I know is truth.”

Linda shook her head. “You don’t know the truth, because you don’t bother listening. I hope you have learned a lesson here. And know that this fight is nothing compared to the well of anger he is hiding.”

“It will never be enough will it? I could beg until the stars go out and he will not give up his anger of me.”

“Lucifer is very set in his way of doing things. If he can see he is wrong, he will change what he is doing, but if he can’t see or refuses to, he won’t. And you were the one that had him killed.”

“I almost died in an effort to save him in return after I tried to fix that mistake.”

“Too little, too late. You will need to do a lot more grovelling to fix this.”

Amenadiel shook his head. “I thought we were past this.”

“He holds onto things. It’s one of the reasons after all this time, he’s still angry with your father. And he now knows most of what he is angry with him for isn’t even his fault.”

Amenadiel looked at her then, surprised. “Do you think he will ever not be angry with him?”

Linda threw her hands in the air. “Honestly, I think the only thing that will stop Lucifer from being angry with his father is for him to come down here and personally speak to his son about it, and I don’t think that is going to happen any time soon. And if it does, Lucifer may refuse on principle alone.”

The room drifted off into silence then, the only sound being the traffic on the road outside. Amenadiel stood in the spot he was in front of the couch and stared at the carpet. She had no idea what to say or do right then, as he wasn’t her patient and she was now uncomfortable with speaking any more on Lucifer with him.

“Amenadiel, I think you should leave now. There’s not anything either of us can do until he is ready to face it himself. Also, my lunch break is almost over now and I have another client to see.”

He looked up at her, his face bleak. He nodded, before turning towards the door. “I am sorry things got so out of hand. I never meant for him to feel this way.”

“Yes, well, welcome to human nature.”

He winced and left without another word said. 

She hoped Lucifer called her soon to go over the fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - The only one who can stop the silence between Lucifer and God is God. And he is refusing to talk to his son for unknown reasons. Even during those times Lucifer reaches out and is ready to talk. And that sucks.


	23. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer is worried about hurting the people he cares about now that he's dealing with his anger issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow will start the third short story called Telling Them About It. This one has 4 chapters, as stated before. In order of Ella, Dan, Trixie and Chloe, in which he talks to them about the issues brought up in this chapter. That story and this one will alternate for the next 8 days. And then I am caught up to the end of the month plus a day and will need to start writing the story out as I go. Almost done with what I wrote for nano. All of Telling Them About It and three of the next four sessions were written then, the last session over this small arc was written outside nano, obviously, since December started :P

He was pacing again by the windows. He’s going for full access to the room’s size, instead of keeping to the smaller size in front of the couch. She didn’t know whether to be worried or relieved. 

On one hand, it meant that he was showing her something was wrong. On the other, he may not be completely open to her about whatever it was that was making him act like this.

“Lucifer? Are you all right?”

He stopped pacing to stare at her, before he started up again, his hands going from being bunched by his sides to shoved into his pockets.

“Oh, you know, fine! I thought last week was going to help, but it didn’t! It made things worse. I can’t shake my anger at everyone. I don’t think there’s a person I am friends with who I haven’t gone completely off at this week!”

Linda leaned more comfortably into her chair and nodded. She was expecting this, after his yelling match with Amenadiel last week.

“You found that anger inside that you usually keep blocked off from surfacing, and something in your shields broke. Cracked. It makes sense that you would be angry and lashing out. Did you try the piano?”

He pulled a hand out of his pocket and rubbed at his face. “Doesn’t help. If anything it makes it worse! It’s like I can’t control it anymore! I’m getting afraid I’m going to hurt someone if I don’t...well, patch up the hole that formed, to continue on your shield metaphor.”

Linda frowned at that one. “It’s not as simple as that. You have huge deep seated anger issues. They’re not going to want to be patched up as you put it. Some part of you is beginning to feel safe enough to let some of that anger go.”

He barked out a sharp laugh at that. “Safe? What about the people around me?”

She shrugged. “They’re going to have to be told you’re working through some anger issues right now stemming from your childhood and teen years and that you don’t mean to hurt them. It’s the best thing to do right now.”

He stopped his pacing and stared at her. “Your solution to this is to tell people about my problems?”

“Well, not in any detail. Just tell them that you and I are working on things and that you will probably be quick to anger for a while, until you gain back your full control.”

He blinked. “But...you said there isn’t anything I can do!”

“No, I said the best thing right now. Before you actually work on the problem, you’re going to have to admit to those you care about that you have a problem.”

“So, we work this like an AA thing. Is there one of those for anger issues as opposed to alcohol problems?”

“It’s called anger management. And you don’t have to go to a group, we can do it privately right here, so you don’t have to worry about showing you’re not delusional to a room full of people.”

He shook his head. “Do...do you think it will work on me?”

Linda smiled at him and nodded her head, trying to be as positive as possible. “It has a very high chance of succeeding if you put in the effort to succeed, but you need to tell your friends first.”

He sighed, and finally went to the couch to flop down in a mess of awkward limbs. “I don’t know what to tell them. Chloe thinks I’m just really eccentric, Dan thinks I’m nuts, Ella thinks I’m a method actor who never goes out of character and I have no idea what Beatrice thinks, other than she is probably the only one that would probably accept me at face value without any problems.’

Linda’s smile grew. “Children are great judges of character, and they are far easier to see the truth of things. If you at any stage told her the truth about you, she probably already knows and believes, no proof needed.”

He shifted and let out a small smile of his own. “On Halloween, Maze said she showed her true face and Beatrice thought it was cool.”

Nodding, Linda reached over and patted his knee. “And I’m sure she’d do the same for you. You help protect her. You’re her friend and that goes a long way for an 8 year old mind. She already accepts.”

He nodded, seeming a bit calmer already. Some of that tension that had been holding him up drowning away. “So, how do I tell the others then?”

“Well, you could start by not mentioning the whole devil thing and just say you and your parents had a bad relationship with each other. I mean, your parents are divorced, you were neglected on one side and abused on the other. They will believe a story that is so...common in humans.”

“Common? I feel sorry for humanity. Why did it only happen to me? I mean, really? It makes me feel...lost.”

“That’s a normal way to feel. You’re only now beginning to accept and go through these problems you have. It probably makes everything feel worse right now. As I said somewhere near the beginning of our sessions, therapy takes a lot of hard work. And only you can do it. All I can do is advise you on what to do. That’s my role, and I take it seriously.”

He nodded and got back up. “Okay. I think I can do that. Umm, do I have to tell them my mum was abusive?”

“If you think it will help, then yes. It will be good to have your friends help fight in your corner. Just...don’t point out who your mother is.”

He nodded again, a grin on his face. “No problem with that. When she’s at the station, I just call her Charlotte or Mrs Richards to rub it in her face.”

Linda giggled at that. “Well, that seems like a good start to things. Wait where are you going?”

He looked at her from where his hand was now on the door handle to her waiting room. “To try and tell people. I am thinking I may add in a few sessions this week, if you don’t mind.”

“Just call first, don’t just invite yourself over. I do have other clients you know.”

He grinned wickedly at her. “Oh yes, I remember that all too well. Alright, I see no problem with that. See you when I next see you, doctor.”

“Bye Lucifer. And remember that all you truly have to say is you’re dealing with some anger issues right now, especially to the girl. Don’t mention abuse to her. She doesn’t understand it since she still has two loving parents.”

“Okay.”

With that, he walked out of her room and, though he had left with plenty of session time left, she gave herself a small celebratory pat on the shoulder, as he seemed to be ready now to start truly tackling his problems.

She couldn’t get the small smile off her face for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer is terrified of his own anger when it comes to his friends. He doesn't want to hurt them, but he also has the added fear of worrying over whether or not he accidentally gives away who he really is, as he's sure he will be rejected by them if they truly do find out. It's not just Chloe he's worried for here, it's all of them.
> 
> Headcanon - He's begun to feel safe enough around his friends to actually show them he is angry with how his life has gone. He has no idea how to word it, and ends up giving out 4 completely different versions for four different people. Including a kid safe version.


	24. First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer talks of his chat with Ella and his fears of Chloe's reaction to what he has to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bluh, the heat is making my brain not want to edit, so I took a few days off, sorry. Tomorrow is Dan's chapter of Telling Them About It.

“So! It’s been two days. Have you managed to tell any of your friends about what happened?”

He slouched in his seat on the couch. His hands were, however, resting on his knees in his relaxed pose. He was throwing her off with his body language, and she wondered if he was doing it on purpose or if it was subconscious.

He shrugged. “I told Ella, but she’s the only one. I am up to trying to get Dan alone now, but he’s oddly hard to corner. The man is always surrounded by others. Probably because he’s now working as a grunt for the entire police department, and not specialized like Chloe is and he used to be. But, yes, I am going to tell him first and then move on to Beatrice and leave Chloe to last.”

“You do know that Chloe is probably going to be the one you’ll be leaning on most, right?”

He grimaced. “Actually, I think I’ll be leaning more on Ella than her, which is why I told her first, so I had someone know to back me up.”

Linda raised her eyebrow at him for that one. She was honestly not expecting that. “Why do you think you’ll need that?”

“Because I have found when it comes to me, Chloe tends to think I over exaggerate everything. Out of all the people I know, she’s the one more inclined to believe that I am throwing everything way out of line. I mean, she knows mum abandoned me, because I told her that, but that’s as far as she knows. Abandonment doesn’t necessarily mean she abused me as a kid, you know?”

Linda hummed. “One would normally think of abandonment as one of the biggest betrayals and therefore abusive manoeuvres a person can do to another.”

He shrugged. “Yes, but she still thinks my mum was just weird and acted that way because my dad made her or something stupid like that. I have serious doubts she’d take it as well as the others. And then I think she’s going to start pitying me or feeling sorry for me. I knew I wouldn’t get any of that from Ella.”

The other eyebrow joined the one that was already raised. “How did you know that?”

“Intuition. I know the type of person Ella is. She accepts, she doesn’t judge. Chloe judges. Everything.”

She held up a hand. “Wait...I don’t understand. I did not expect this reaction from you at all. I mean, I knew you’d leave Chloe to last because you’re closest to her, but I didn’t know it was because you felt you needed other allies in case things go south with her. Why do you think she’d judge you?”

He stared at her, eyes giving her the look that was basically ‘duh’. “Well, let’s see. There’s the whole she thinks I’m crazy thing. There’s the thing where she believes everything I say is an exaggeration or other twist on the truth to fit my own perfect little delusion. There’s the times she had to come to me after she said or did something to me that was judging to apologise for judging. There’s the thing where she feels I should tell her every tiny detail of my life for her to feel like we truly are partners. There’s the mistrust even though she says she trusts me implicitly. Everything out of my mouth is stored in a big database of what she so nicely calls Luciferness in her head to bring out and see as reasons why I can’t do things and instead she should do them. She...”

“Okay, stop. Seriously, stop! I get the picture. She does judge you. And by the sound of it, it’s completely unintentional.”

“Others are very intentional and I don’t like it. And then of course she blames any fight we consequently have over it on me. Because naturally everything is my fault.”

“Alright, I can definitely see why you wanted someone else on your side before bringing this to Chloe. So! How did Ella take the news?’

He smiled slightly. That was good. He was getting quite worked up over the whole Chloe judging thing. “Oh, good! As expected, she understood what I was saying, was sympathetic, admitted to not understanding but hoping I do okay and work on my issues in therapy and that she’s with me 100% of the way in whatever way I need her while I deal with this. She accepted and was supportive.”

“How do you think Dan will react?”

“Seriously? I think he understands more about it than the others. I don’t know if it was because of the whole Malcolm deal or from before that, but someone betrayed and hurt him.”

“So you and Dan have found some common ground and he’d be just as accepting and sympathetic as Ella.”

“I doubt he’ll be nice about it though, unlike Ella. But I won’t be able to stand Dan if he isn’t the douche I’ve come to know.”

Linda grinned. “That makes sense. His attitude changing would seriously hurt your friendship.”

“Yeah...”

“And that’s what you’re afraid of with Chloe. That it will get her to see you differently and pity or treat you like glass.”

“Yep. She’s done that before too.”

“Oh, I’m sorry...”

“Yeah. Point being, one down, three to go. And it’s been a good start, I think. May that be the first of very few goes of this nightmare.”

“Soon all your friends will be told, and then all you need to do is focus on yourself and bring them in when needed. They’ll all have their own different style of doing things, and sometimes you’ll want or need one certain flavour of it the others don’t have. It’ll help tremendously.”

He nodded. “I hope so.”

She checked her watch and saw that they only had three minutes time left. “Well, I think that will do for today. I just wanted to check to see if you had told anyone. I’m happy you have and that you’re working on telling the others even if it means you’re scared of attitudes changing. It’s a major step forward and I’m proud of you and the progress you’re taking lately.”

He grinned widely at her. “Oh, doctor, thank you. I don’t feel very good about it myself, but hey, one baby step at a time, as they say.”

“Yes. It’s good to see you planning things out and not diving in head first. I’ll see you Monday then. Have a good weekend.”

“You too, Doctor Linda. Come by Lux and have a free drink on Patrick.”

She laughed. “Only if you sing and play tonight.”

He grinned widely. “Done!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer sees all of Chloe's reactions as bad ones, and if she doesn't reassure him, he starts thinking that it is all his fault and that she doesn't trust him or take him seriously as her partner. 
> 
> Headcanon - Dan is just as screwed as Lucifer is. Mainly I think it was the betrayal of Malcolm and the blackmailing that was done to him to get to Lucifer. Plus the loss of Chloe and the divorce he asked for so they coudl go back to friendship. Dan is trying to deal with things in his own healthy ways. Maybe he should start therapy too.


	25. He

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer tells Linda how it went with Dan. She's happy he's getting allies on his side and is having a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the shortest chapter of this story written. Less than 1000 words. Wow, it's so tiny!

“I cornered Dan yesterday. Had to go to the station to do it. And also thankfully, managed to corner him and corral him into Ella’s lab for privacy.”

Linda smiled at hearing that. “Oh, that’s good! So, how did it go?”

“Well, he accepted the apology, and then I also told him of Uriel’s death, minus the me killing him part. I also told Ella about that ages ago. In some pretty serious detail actually. Seemed only fair that I told him about it. Don’t know if I should tell Beatrice though. Do you think that would be a good idea?”

Linda titled her head to the side to think, mainly because she knew Lucifer liked when she did that and he was in such a good mood today, she was just trying to keep it up. “I think you might have to word it slightly different, but I don’t see why you shouldn’t tell her that you’ve been sad because your brother died.”

“Do you think Dan will be angry with me for telling her?”

“I don’t think Dan truly has a say in this particular thing. Just, no telling her you killed him, definitely. No telling her that he was insane, as she probably wouldn’t understand that. Just tell her you’re sad because your mum is not very nice to you and that your brother died. Children do understand death a little. She might want you to explain it if no one around her has died.”

“Well, she saw me die, and Malcolm, so she does know what death is. Also she knows because of her grandpa not being around, unlike her grandma.”

Linda nodded. “It’s a good enough way to introduce a child to death without anyone actually dying on them. Usually it’s through the death of a grandparent or a beloved pet.”

He grimaced at her. “Yeah. Well, Uriel was the first death in my family. Hit everyone I have met so far pretty hard. Still waiting for Azrael to come collect her dagger, but so far she’s a no show. She surely knows its missing by now, though she does have other weapons.’

Linda closed her eyes and sighed. “Let’s just go back to Dan shall we?”

He nodded and grinned. “Yes, Dan. As I said, he accepted the apology, which is good. He seems to be sympathetic, but isn’t going to let that change his attitude towards me. I told him that my mum might try to spread bad rumours about me, getting people to turn against me, so anything he hears should be seen as lies unless otherwise stated to be truths. He knows I don’t lie so he’d ask me. I told him unless he sees me saying or doing what I am accused of, to try and find the truth, because it probably isn’t.”

Linda smiled and nodded. “Good! Did you tell that to Ella?”

He shook his head. “No need, I know she won’t turn on me. She has faith.”

Nodding, Linda leaned back in her chair. “So, you’re pretty sure you have gained two allies in this fight you feel you will inevitably have against your mother in the near future. That’s very good. You have people to go to who will fight in your corner and prove the truth to others. You’re no longer alone. And soon you will have another two to add. And nothing raises spirits better than having the complete and total trust of a child on your side. Trixie will help you see that, hopefully. And Chloe. I doubt you’ll have as much trouble as you fear you will, though she may be angry with you for going to her last. You’ll probably have to explain that one to her.”

He grimaced at her again, though she could tell that his hopes were beginning to go up with the success of getting Dan on his side. She knew he’d been worrying about him.

Lucifer reclined in the seat and sighed. “Well, that’s mainly all I came here for today. Got a set tonight, if you’re interested. Sure Patrick will enjoy your company again. You can always borrow another spare room if you like.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her, and with a grin she reached across the table and slapped his shoulder.

“Shut up, you. Not for singing though, you have a lovely voice.”

He laughed at that as he got up. “Of course I do, love. I’m an angel.”

Shaking her head, and unable to remove the grin from off her face, she held up her hand to stop him walking out. “Call me when you’re ready to talk about how it goes with Trixie. And see you on Thursday for your normal appointment. I’m still really happy with you doing this. It will help in the long run.”

He nodded. “I actually do feel a little better having told people. Less...heavy.”

“That’s good. Have a good set tonight.”

He nods and leaves her room, closing the door behind him. 

Since the mess with Uriel, good days for him are very far and in between. She’s glad he’s having one today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer totally lends out the other floors of Lux for patrons who don't leave that he knows he can trust to not mess the place up. That doesn't mean only for sex either, its for sleeping or a place to crash if needed for a few nights. He's the only permanent resident in the building.


	26. Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer gets some good news and tells Linda all about it. Linda is confused and upset, but is also happy he's happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ths is the last chapter of this fic I had written up at the end of the month. November 30 came the next day and I wrote Chloe's part to Telling Them About it that day.
> 
> The next chapter is written out, but that's it. 2 more days and I am all caught up to having to write more.

“So! How did your talk with Trixie go?” Linda asked, as soon as Lucifer sat himself down on the couch and got comfortable. Straight into it today, she wanted. Mainly because she knew this was going to be a relatively easy discussion, like the last two. The hard one would be next though. His feelings were very conflicted when it came to Chloe.

He nodded and looked at her with a big smile on his face. She wondered what exactly it meant in the context of things. “Lucifer? Something on your mind?”

“Looks like someone definitely got lucky!”

She frowned and didn’t know how to get past the confusion she was feeling from that sudden change in conversation.

“Lucifer, please let’s be on point here. No changing the subject.”

He grinned widely at her. “I’m not! I just noticed, that’s all.”

She sighed. “Fine, I’ll bite. Noticed what?”

He titled his head in the other direction and his brow furrowed in confusion. “She didn’t know.”

She sighed, getting rather fed up with this turn of conversation. “Lucifer, I have no idea what you are talking about.”

He shook his head but the grin didn’t leave his face. “Yes, alright, speaking of children, Beatrice Decker is one of the most conniving, devious little hellions I have had the pleasure to meet. I actually enjoyed hanging out for two days with an 8 year old. And until her, I didn’t like children!”

“Is she an exception to the rule, or do you feel like you understand children better?”

He frowned and shrugged after a few minutes of thinking through that one. “I have no idea. She’s the only child I really know. But I guess I’ll make an exception for the second one.”

Linda blinked. “Chloe is pregnant?!’

He blinked and grinned at her. “No, of course not. One of my dancers is! How do you not know when you are pregnant? I mean, I get nothing about children at all, but even I can tell a pregnant person from one not pregnant.”

“How?!”

“Well, I’d say it was when her husband inserted his penis into her vagina and moved it in and out until he ejaculated inside her. But that’s just a wild guess.”

“Not how do you become pregnant, how can you tell right off the bat?”

He chuckled and Linda suddenly wanted to smack the look he was giving her right off his face.

“Trixie, Lucifer. We’re here about your talk with Trixie!”

His smile slipped off into a slight pout and he sighed softly when he realised she wasn’t going to waver from her solid position as psychiatrist. “You’re no fun, but okay. It went good. It was oddly easy, if a bit dumbed down for younger ears. She now believes my mum is the biggest bully to have ever bullied and she hugged me until she fell asleep after watching The Little Mermaid.”

Okay, that one made her anger slip away and put a grin on her face. “How did you like the movie?”

He shrugged. “Ariel makes some extremely bad decisions and that deal was seriously a bad one to have made. Really, who would do something like that? Not to mention her utter obsession with Prince Eric who is probably the blandest man to have ever been animated. I did like the songs though.”

Linda smiled as she remembered seeing that movie with friends, since she always saw Disney movies. Of course, most of her old friends were out of her life now and replaced by the weird assortment of demons, angels and other humans she was getting used to now.

She shook her head and frowned, her mind going back to the whole pregnancy thing.

“You said she was pregnant and you can tell. How?’

He shrugged. “Your soul is different when pregnant, like...there’s extra. It’s not quite part of yours. Ergo, there’s a bun in the oven that little bit extra belongs to. I am an angel, remember? It’s also very...bright, pure.”

“Lucifer, humans can’t see souls.”

He blinked. Before shrugging. He held up his hands. “Regardless, I’ll make sure nothing bad happens, and if it does I will get very angry and yell at dad. She’s been trying for a baby for over a year, but their fertility rate was low.”

Linda buried her head in her hands. “I’m trying to imagine you holding a baby and it is not working...”

He grinned widely again. “Maybe you could be a mum! You snapped up a good one in Patrick.”

“Lucifer, I’m too married to my work for a baby. And a later life pregnancy is not recommended.”

He frowned. “I just don’t think with two angels around, you’d have to worry, that’s all. I still have my divinity, even if I haven’t exactly got a healing touch without my wings, but it can’t hurt to try. And there are always hospitals.” 

She closed her eyes took a deep breath. He did have a point with that last one. “Yes, that is true at least. I hope everything goes good for your dancer and that she has a healthy baby. But I am not going to be a mom, Lucifer.”

“I think you’d make a great mum. You know what to do to not completely muck a kid up. You’d already be off to a great start!”

Taking a few more deep breaths and feeling herself relax a bit more, she nodded. “Thank you for saying so, but it isn’t going to happen. Can you tell if it’s a boy or girl?’

He stared at her. “Does it matter? It’s a soul. It’s pure. And there’s no guarantee the soul will match the body gender wise anyway.”

Linda cocked her head to one side and closed her eyes. “That’s true too. Lucifer, you are making me uncomfortable with the baby talk. I can’t...” She didn’t finish her sentence, because she wasn’t too sure Lucifer would understand the difference between them.

He blinked and got up and Linda thought he was going to leave, but instead he walked over to her chair, bent down slightly and put his arms around her. “Hugging is the appropriate thing to do right now, yes? Because otherwise, this is even more awkward than it already is.”

Linda replied by holding him close and burying her head in his shoulder. “It’s right for me. Thanks.”

“Uh, do all humans feel this incessant need to hug others, or is it a female thing?”

“It’s a human thing. We need touch to be healthy. We, or the majority of us anyway, feel comfort in touch. Some don’t like it for a variety of reasons, and even they crave it sometimes.”

He hummed in her ear. “I’m getting used to hugging now. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but it still weird’s me out.”

She smiled against his skin. “Well, chalk this up to another growth in your many healthy growing parts. Welcome to the weird world of humans. You’ve come a long way since you first started therapy. I mean, you actually take it seriously now.”

“Yes. I think I realised I actually do really need it. And...thanks for not abandoning me when you found out about me really being the devil. That was a big help.”

“We will have to address your abandonment issues some other session. Right now, we are out of time. Sorry.”

He grinned as he pulled away. “Nah, don’t be. I’ll leave you to get on with doing your job. And I am going to read stuff on pregnancy and babies.”

She nodded. At least he seemed genuinely interested in this process of human life now. He was always so against children beforehand. “Until Thursday then.”

He waved goodbye as he left, closing the door behind him gently. 

She looked up to the ceiling and did something she had never done before. Spoke to God. “I really hope you don’t let anything bad happen to that baby, or there will probably be hell to pay for it. Lucifer’s quite protective of those he cares about, and he clearly already cares here...”

She felt like an idiot talking to thin air, but at least she knew God might possibly actually be listening.

Sometimes, she hoped he did, so that he could see the damage his silence had done to Lucifer.

Mostly she thought of the violation of privacy and if God cared about that when it came to his son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Lucifer supports his dancers in all things. In this case, the pregnancy was very much planned and wanted and he encouraged her and her partner to keep on trying with a 5 year cut off period. If she hadn't gotten pregnant, he woudl have encouraged them to adopt.
> 
> Headcanon - Linda is too married to her job and helping others, she never had children. It's not a physical can't, it's an emotional can't for her. She just doesn't think she could be both a single parent and psychiatrist at the same time.


	27. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer comes back to therapy after a two week stop to have a breakdown. Linda wants him to be more social.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bleh. This took a bit of time to write and it is so small. I am not happy with this chapter. But it is better than the one that came before I rewrote it. Imagine what that one was like!

It had been two weeks since she had last seen Lucifer, but she had kept tabs on him with phone calls and making sure his friends set up a rotation to keep him company.

So, she was happy that he felt well enough this week to come back into her office. His eyes had shadows under them and he was a bit flatter than normal in affect, but he was at least up and about. This was definitely an improvement.

“So, I see you are feeling better. That’s good. You had quite a few people worried. Especially Trixie. She had no idea what had happened.”

He hummed at her for an answer, lying down on the couch and she worried he might fall asleep. “I think she was told that I was ill in a way that made me really tired. Which was true, it just wasn’t really physical. Still shaking off the constant lethargy. But, yes, I am up and about now. Started going to the precinct again yesterday. Stayed in Ella’s lab and watched her mainly. I couldn’t really concentrate on much for paperwork which I try to avoid when I am at my best, let alone right now. People have to read me things, because I haven’t got the concentration to read myself. It’s horrible.”

“Is that passing?”

He stared at her. “I don’t know. Not the reading thing. My concentration is still broken, but I am less tired and have a little more energy to spare. I had Chloe drive me here. She’s waiting.”

Linda cocked her head to the side. “Do you want her in here instead? I could go get her if you want?”

He shook his head. “No. I don’t want her in here. I just wish I was recovering from this faster. Do humans take this long?”

Linda took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Generally, it lasts as long as it lasts. You don’t have to be ashamed of it or anything. Everyone has their breaking point and you reached yours.”

He shifted back into a seating position and rubbed at his eyes with a hand. “Did you know this would happen?”

She frowned at that, not understanding why he would think that. “I thought dealing with your anger issues would help you unwind naturally. I had no idea you’d end up in a major crisis.”

“Chloe and Dan called it a mental breakdown.”

Linda sighed. “We call it a mental health crisis, which is what it is. You reached the point where you just couldn’t deal with anything else and shut down for a while. After the meltdown you went through.”

He scowled. “Yeah, I told you I was worried about telling Chloe. I had no idea it would have that effect on me, though. I just thought...I thought she’d be angry or pity me or things like that. I didn’t mean to break.”

“You’re not broken. You are in a crisis which leaves you more emotionally vulnerable than you are used to. And that’s scary and can feel like you have broken, but you’ll recover. You already know that. You stated yourself you’re beginning to feel better.”

“Two weeks just seems a long time to show any improvement at all.”

“For a being millennia old, I think that’s fairly fast myself,” she replied and he blinked at her. He must have thought that he’d never get better with how badly he’s taking this. Sometimes no amount of comfort works until the person can accept it.

He frowned slightly. “Is this another one of those things that just happens at its own pace? Wait...have we already talked about this?”

“Yes it is something that happens at its own pace. And I talked about it over the phone with you once or twice. But it’s alright you don’t remember. You said yourself your concentration is shot.”

“Hmm. I think...I think I want to go now. I’m not really up to this. I need to be able to think properly and I can’t...”

She frowned. “Lucifer, you need to stop doing that.”

He blinked at her, slowly trying to figure out what she meant and she sighed loudly. “You keep running out of the room when you think you can’t do something or if you feel like you have gone as far as you think you can. Just stay and wait, even if it is in silence. You need to get out and socialise a bit. Staying in your apartment isn’t doing you any good.”

He frowned at her. “So...you want me to stay here in silence and just bask in your company?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “It beats sitting at home on your own, unless one of your friends gets off work to go keep you company. You’re a very active, social person. Keeping away from people will just hurt you so yes, stay and bask in my company.”

He looked at her with a puzzled expression, but didn’t get up off the couch. He was silent a grand total of 20 minutes. “This is stupid! I don’t like this at all!”

She smiled at him. “You don’t have to like it. You can talk all you want.”

He glared at her. “You told me to be silent.”

“No, I said you can sit in silence if that’s what you wanted to do. You chose to do it. I’m impressed you lasted as long as you did.”

“Haha, doctor, very funny. And there’s twenty minutes of my very long life that I will never get back again.”

“Well, talk.”

“About what? Times practically up now!”

“Yes, but you stayed. It may have been mostly in silence, but you didn’t bolt out the door when things got too hard. That’s an improvement in itself. I’ll see you next week, then?”

He sighed, got slowly to his feet and nodded. “Yes. See you next week. Hopefully by then, I will be feeling more like myself and less like a doormat.”

“Wait...a doormat?”

He grinned at her and a bit of that spark that was uniquely his was there. “Yeah. You know, flat and trampled on.”

She smiled back and nodded. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. Keep going out, getting back into the swing of things.”

He nodded and left. She could hear Chloe asking how he was before the door between her office and waiting room closed behind him.

She hoped he answered well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon - Linda really doesn't like Lucifer bailing in the middle of, or at the beginning of, sessions because things get difficult. Therapy isn't supposed to be easy...
> 
> Headcanon - Lucifer doesn't like silence. Silence makes him think something is wrong.


	28. Disease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer worries that he may be an abuser over something Chloe says to him while drunk. Linda helps him try and see he is not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big, huge, looong break with this one. I want to get back to this story, but want to finish Lucifer's Flock first which is my main writing project right now. 
> 
> Chloe doesn't remember what she said here and didn't mean it. Alcohol and annoyance don't always go together. And in this instance, they didn't. If anyone is interested in reading the conversation they have as another side fic, tell me in comments. i am not sure if I will write it or not yet, so will go by what my readers want :)

Lucifer was pacing the room by the window again and even though it should worry her because it means something is distressing him, it fills her instead with relief.

He’s up and about and moving and showing what he is feeling. This is a much better place he was in since Thursday.

Another thing that made her feel like she should be worrying was it was a Monday, and he usually just stuck to appointments made in his usual slot. Something, either over the weekend or on Friday, happened that was distressing enough to send him to her for a session early.

“Lucifer? I know something’s wrong.”

He froze in his pacing, turned to her and folded his arms against his chest. He stayed standing. Bad signs from him.

“It’s...do I...am I...Urgh!” He said, not getting out a single full sentence, before throwing his hands up in the air and flopping himself down onto the couch. “I don’t even know what to think anymore!”

This peaked her interest. “Think about what?”

“Myself! It’s stupid, it is, but I can’t help it.”

She had thought he had stopped seeing himself as the bad guy, the monster that needed to be punished for the wrongs he had done in self defence. “What is it you are thinking about yourself?”

He began wringing his hands together. “It...I don’t know if anything was meant by it, I don’t, but...you know I take things out of context sometimes.”

She stopped the grin that wanted to form on her face. She really did not think now was the time for that reaction. He was definitely telling the truth there. He still did it, though it was a much rarer thing for him to do so. He was becoming much more self aware now. “I need a bit more information than that, Lucifer. What happened?”

He sighed and slumped himself further down in the couch. “I was working in the club and Ella and Chloe came over to watch my set on Saturday night since I felt well enough to get back to it.”

“Okay, that sounds like it was good for them as well as you. What happened?”

He shifted and folding his hands against his chest again. “I joined them for drinks once I was done at the piano. And it was fun! It was. You know, just friends hanging out.”

She nodded, glad to see that he was becoming more active with the friends he did have. “What happened?”

“Chloe drank a little too much. She doesn’t generally drink to excess. And...And she said something to me that I didn’t like much...”

Linda closed her eyes and sighed internally. He took anything Chloe said to him very seriously. She had more power than anyone else around him right now to hurt him with words.

“What did she say?”

“I was complaining about something. It was a cheap brand of whiskey that Chloe wanted to try. I was trying to get her to try the good stuff. I have impeccably good taste in everything, as you know!”

This time she did indulge herself in an eye roll, because she knew Lucifer was expecting a reaction. He grinned at her. “What about the alcohol?”

“Well, I don’t serve cheap drinks. She knows this, which means she wanted to leave to go somewhere else. I didn’t want her to leave so early, not when I had better drinks right there! All I did was tell her that. Well, that and she’d probably be barred from entering anywhere else because she was smashed.”

Linda didn’t see the harm in anything Lucifer had just told her at all, but she wasn’t drunk. “What did she say in return? That is what’s got you distressed.”

“She...she said I had no right to order her around, that I had no right to keep her there against her will and that I had no right to stop her going other places. All of which I was not doing and completely agreed with!”

Linda took a deep breath and let it out slowly, because she knew that none of that was the problem and if he focused on that, then they were going to get nowhere. “Lucifer...that isn’t the problem. You agreed with her, correct? What did she do in return to the agreement?”

And he set up shields around himself. She could basically visibly see them form in his eyes. Whatever she said hurt him deeply.

“I grabbed her arm when she was going to leave to try and talk to her about it but, she...she said that just because I was abused, didn’t mean I had to hurt others in return...”

Linda closed her eyes and raised a hand under her glasses to rub there. “Is it possible you hurt her when you grabbed her?”

“No. I am always very careful with how I touch humans. You’re so...fragile.”

She nodded. “Then I am going to go with your original assessment of the situation. She was drunk and said something she didn’t mean. Being drunk lowers a human’s inhibitions. We are more prone to our emotions. We say or do things we normally wouldn’t. Does she even remember saying it?”

He shrugged at her and looked to the ground. She sat back in her chair and folded her arms. “You’ve been avoiding her today then?”

He winced. “Umm, maybe? She didn’t call me in for a case and she knows I want to get back to it now I am feeling better.”

“Okay. Once you get out of here, I want you to call her and go talk to her about how this made you feel. And yes, it will hurt you and it will more than likely hurt her too, but you need to communicate, not shut down.”

“But...is she right?”

She blinked, confused. “Right about what?”

“Do I hurt others because I was hurt before...?”

“Not that I am aware of. You punish those that do bad things because it’s been wired into you to do so and even then, with one exception, you never go further than what is needed. And the exception was personal to you.”

He looked at her blankly. “What was the exception?”

“Identity theft? Ring any bells?”

His eyes cleared. “Oh! Yes, and no, I didn’t go too far in that either. Just scared him a bit until he promised to never do it again. Didn’t even have to show him my other face for it. He just caved at being kidnapped. You were right when you said I was blowing things way out of proportion.”

Linda nodded, but knew there was more to the story than just that. “What happened to make you stop taking it too far? I know something did, because you were set to really harm him for his slight which did nothing personally to you, but mar a reputation you have gained through practice. People soon would know he was a liar, Lucifer.”

He looked to his feet and shrugged. Sighing, she prompted him with words. “Lucifer? What happened to make you stop?”

He groaned and buried his head in his hands. “I really wanted to hurt that bloody miscreant badly. I had a whole set of tortures I wanted to try out on him, you know? I had Maze set some up in the room so he knew we meant business and...”

She leaned forwards. “And?”

“Maze...”

Linda tilted her head to the side and frowned. “Maze said or did something to make you stop? That seems unlike her.”

Lucifer sighed loudly and dropped his hands. There was a slight blush on his face. “She didn’t mean it! I was telling him of all the things I’d like to do, you know, and Maze was getting all hot and bothered. She said it was sexy, and like I was punishing myself.”

Yep, that would have done it. She managed to keep the grin off her face. “Okay, I can see why that made you stop. At that time, you still had nothing to be punished for happen to you.”

Lucifer grimaced at the reminder of his brother. “Yeah... It may have turned Maze on, but turned me off.”

“The point to this, Lucifer, is that even when you wanted to hurt someone, you couldn’t do it. You can’t punish someone who hasn’t done anything to deserve it. It’s not part of you to do that. To take a phrase out of your own book, you’re not evil, you punish evil. I have seen no sign at all of you purposefully wanting to or going out of your way to hurt someone. You might sometimes hurt someone when you say something true they don’t like, but that’s not the same thing. You were hurt, actively, by someone who you love. You are nothing like your parents, Lucifer.”

And that must have been exactly what he needed to hear, because for the first time since he entered her room that day, he fully relaxed. “Okay. That’s...that’s good to know. I’m glad you don’t think I am like that. It means a lot. I’ve been worrying over it all Sunday and today.”

Linda nodded and sighed. “We’re almost out of time for today, Lucifer. And I want you to talk to Chloe. No putting it off, no burying your head and trying to forget it was said. Talk to her and face that it might hurt you or her to do so.”

He got up off the couch and nodded, making his way to the door. “Thanks for the advice, Doctor. I don’t think I say that enough to you. See you Thursday?”

Linda did smile at that one. “Of course. See you on Thursday.”

He left quietly, which was nice to see. She could always tell what sort of session it had been now by how he leaves her office. At least she knows that she had gotten through to him with this point. 

She had no doubt that they’d probably revisit it again quite soon. Possibly even before Thursday for his scheduled session. And probably more times after that.

It was clearly something that truly worried him.


End file.
